Lived Experience Forum

[Whiteknight]

Tough topics deserve airing. Bring it out, display it's rawness, find solutions and gain knowledge.

My brother parted this world willingly in 1979. Some members of my family have dissected every ounce of reasons he decided his fate, for me however it was logical and clear what happened as a note was left. That was 25 years before my sister and I realised we had bipolar and needed help ourselves. Our brother likely had the same illness and around 20% of bipolar's go that way. 

But my attempt in 1996 taught me a lot- that I'd a/ never go down that path again potentially hurting my family in a similar vain and b/ that I'd find ways to combat the thoughts of that road. Determination sometimes pays dividends and I can say that every time since then, 20 years now, I've succeeded every time in turning the tide away from that stupid illogical journey of 100% self destruction....how?

By order of effectiveness when times are tough (which is about every 3-4 months when in a depresive state) suicidal thoughts enter my mind. Then I begin to put in place other thoughts-

• That my thoughts of suicide and the mental difficulty in existing in life will become a distant event within a few hours
• That my family is more important than evil thoughts that have the potential to destroy their happiness forever
• That other people will forever wonder what they could have done to stop me from that action regardless of a letter left
• That within that period of being distraught, I'm not thinking correctly. In fact I'm very ill. I dont feel "ill" as such, that's the trouble with MI, we dont feel "ill" in terms that we feel when physically ill. We should identify our level of illness as being severe when we have suicidal thoughts.
• That help can be a mere phone call away to divert your attention and ring lifeline or talk....just talk, even to yourself and hopefully a close person

These processes over time when repeated a few times a year eventually become routine. you know you will recover and the good times will return (good times meaning existing ok) and if you also eventually find ways to feel elated, fun times, able to show empathy to others and care with love, you will balance that see-saw from that weight at the other end than threatens to put your mentality under threat.

That balance has been difficult to find. but, I can declare I've found ways to brighten up my life so when those destructive thoughts come around I know there is a reason to live. All I have to do is introduce a positive trigger to willingly remind myself of why I am a survivor. So elimination of suicidal thoughts never occurs, such is the mental anguish of carrying a mental illness. That's the way it is...no point trying to aspire to something that cannot be changed is there?

Having support processes in place is crutial to our long term health. Having personal boundaries and introducing (proactively), thoughts around your priorities, like loved ones can form a routine of allowing suicidal thoughts to come and go, with less emphasis on them.

But above all, the top of the list above, is time. Time to allow you to let those terrible self destructive thoughts to wane and drift. A short time, to get your mind back together. Give yourself that time and ring lifeline on 13 11 14 for a simple chat if you feel like it.

WK 

[BlueBay]

Hi @Whiteknight

hard topic to talk about but good on for starting it.  ive read what you wrote and agree that the thought of suicide does fluctuate but it is very difficult when youre in 'that state of mind'.  For me the thought comes on suddenly and it can stay with me for days.  I never act on the thought.

One question I wanted to ask you is - how do you let your loved ones know that you are having these thoughts?

I am styruggling to even say how i am feeling let alone having suicidal thoughts.

[Whiteknight]

Hi @BlueBay

I used to hint many many years ago. Now I'm direct but reassuring. EG "I'm not very well at the moment, in fact those suicidal thoughts have arrived. But I'm ok, just letting you know I'm not in a good place".

I only mention it to my wife (my carer) and my daughter (has PTSD and just recently diagnosed with bipolar also, if she is present.  The benefit is that my wife will keep an eye on me and chat more often until I'm ok.

I think its safe to say @BlueBay that women and men can be different in this way. Braun brings out a more direct approach where females ar eoften more reserved. Maybe that isnt the case with everyone but I find I can state the actual effect of something quite easily but am likely just as adversly effected as someone that cant. It would also depend on the approachablity of your partner. My wife has depression, quite different than mine but depression nevertheless. So she is accutely aware when I state I'm unwell, she knows what its like and visa versa.

WK

[BlueBay]

Thanks for sharing that @Whiteknight

And that's where the problem lies - my husband doesn't have a mental illness AND he doesn't understand it.  He thinks if I just take 'another tablet' i will be fine.  So for me to even bring up the topic of 'I'm feeling suicidial' or "i'm not feeling very well" he would just brush it off like it's just me having a headache.  He wouldn't take it seriously.  How many times I have had chest pains and asked that he call an ambulance and he would get so angry with me because in his mind he thinks i am 'okay' and 'just get over it', like i am pretending.  I had a go at him last time i called an ambulance becasue i had chest pains and said to hubby - so do you prefer to see me die that call an ambulance and get checked out and if it's nothing then thats good but it's worth calling them. He then shuts down and doesn't say a word.

This is where i get so angry because sometimes i do wnat to say to him 'hey i am feeling really unwell, or teary, or suicidal' but i just can't  for fear of been invalidated and that hurts.

[Appleblossom]

I like your post generally @Whiteknight and agree its important topic. I spent a lot of time dealing with others' suicidal experiences. I still have not been in a position where I can tell my suicidal thoughts to anybody in my real life, without it being also used against me, so mostly I just dont.  I do finally have a MH team who I can talk about those things with. So that is a big improvement for me, rather than doing it all alone.

[Whiteknight]

Hi @Appleblossom

How alone you must feel. Family and friends can be revengeful and as you innocently mention your inner thoughts it is used against you.

To that I say, have faith in yourself and your own judgement in that if you feel it is a risk telling others then it likely is!  Gut instincts and I'm guessing, past experiences, are what they are - hurtful and insecure feelings that we have every right to listen to.

You are wise @Appleblossom

WK

[Appleblossom]

There were simply not enough social resources around me. Too many people were suffering for me to take it personally, but I am a person and eventually all those pressures start leaking through me.  

Even today I had quiet suicidal thoughts, but as you say, @Whiteknight it is possible to learn to deflect them, reduce the intensity, and protect ourselves and others from that particular devastation. 

[utopia]

@Whiteknight. A very important topic.

So far in my journey, when my suicidal thoughts or my plans get too intense, I go to hospital for a few weeks.

But for me, I think a lot of it has to do with trying to control my negative self talk. So I've recently been telling these thoughts, out loud, to F off. Excuse the language. But the swearing seems to help. I'm hoping that by continuing to do this with the self talk, that I can hopefully prevent the suicidal plans from happening. I guess, I'll have to wait and see.

Also, I've been telling myself that I can't die until I my son finishes high school. (another 2 & 1/2 years). But sometimes the thoughts are stronger than me.

[Whiteknight]

Sorry to hear that @utopia

For a time I had a paper bag. I'd wriye peoples name and their action that hurt me on a sticky and pit it in a bag

 At the end of each week id tead all of it then throw the bag in the bin.

[utopia]

That's a good idea @Whiteknight