Friends, Family & Carers Forum

[Lucky2015]

Hi @Tatsinda

I agree with you. Its easy to get emotionally overinvolved, and can be a bit of a highwire act between enough support and too much overinvolvement.

I personally found one of the biggest liberations for me was when I told my wife that she was responsible for the management of her own mental health (as she had been avoiding seeking ongoing help even though she had already been diagnosed). That didn't mean that I abdicated everything, but for me it was a turning point that allowed me to determine where I should stand on things, rather than be caught up in whatever her current emotional state was.

It has worked out for the best. She is now getting the help and support that she needs. And I feel relieved from the burden of worrying about it.

I also have a bit of a history in trying to be the "Knight in Shining Armour". Good to be out of the armour for a change

[Reader]

Hi Lucky,

I'm really glad it's working out for you and thanks for the input. It makes sense to me.

Unfortunately, if I even mention the word help, therapy etc, she goes nuts - instantly. Then gives me the whole thing about you have to accept me as I am. Sadly I don't think our relationship can come back even though the rest of it was so good. If she would just even consider that she has an illness that negatively affects those around her, I would be by her side through anything. I just can't see how to get to that point though.

[Lucky2015]

Yeah, I get everyones situation is different too.
Just to give it some perspective for you, "I told my wife" = sitting in a Marriage counsellors room (because at the time she thought all we were going through was marriage difficulties, not a BPD episode). And me screaming that I had, had enough. And I am not a screaming sort of guy 🙂

Sometimes you can get the outcome you want through other means. When my wife wanted us to go to marriage counselling, I insisted that the therapist also be a psychologist (because she had bee treat for depression before).
When we were there the therapist worked out that I was stressed off the richter scale, and that something else was going on with my wife. The focus soon shifted to ensuring that my wife got one on one help, and that lead to her diagnosis from a psychiatrist later on that she had BPD.

Sometimes "telling" in the standard sense doesn't work.
Don't know if this helps at all but just didn't want to give you the impression that all change is easy, smooth or even non-confrontational.

Even if you need to get help and support for yourself for a while (to vent out some of this) and it might give you time to persist with getting the problem confronted.

[Reader]

Thanks Lucky,

I have no contact with her now so I am trying to come to terms with that. I really struggle with the common advice of get out and don't go back because I care about her and her daughter and feel like I am desserting her, leaving her to suffer. 

She told me she is depressed, sad, has terriblke anxiety and knows that she has little sense of self, gets lost in others, can't sustain a relationship, has emotional swings etc, but just thinks that's how she is and that's that. It feel like she is close to realising that she needs help but still so far away. The best I could do now is send an email but don't think that's right either.

I'm finding it extremely hard to move on 4 months later. I know all of the logic says move on but I just don't fee like it and want to either move on or be able to go back. Neither seems possible right now and i't gettin me down.

[Appleblossom]

@Reader

To me it sounds like you do honestly care.  That is good for me to hear as I had been upset about men who quickly reattach without working through the issues.

I am not sure where the "accept me as I am" .. thing comes from ... it seems childish and not at all adult. I know a few women who pull that kind of stunt .. it makes me sad for our gender. Maybe just my biases.

[Lucky2015]

OK. Get it. And it might just take some time for you rather than just dropping everything and walking on.
You are doing the right stuff though, keep reaching out and talking to people about what is happening to you. Being on this forum is a good example of that.

The stuff that you mention above tells me you are a good guy. And whatever way this stuff works out, remember that.

[Reader]

I read this on another forum and it makes sense to me;

By the way you will never get closure from him, NEVER. it'll either end on (false) hatred or ambiguity, he (like my ex) is incapable of giving closure because deep down that's not what they want and deep down they don't really want to push you away, you just become too triggering and too dangerous to them and they can't handle it. Closeness and love = terrifying danger to these people and it brings out the worst in them.