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Looking after ourselves

Kiaroxillante
New Contributor

Husband has Dissociative Identity Disorder and we're pregnant

So my husband and I have known each other 10 years (high school sweethearts). He's had DID since I've known him, but I did not find out until recently (this past June). He only has three total personalities, but has always done such a good job covering them up until recently. We found out I was pregnant with our first child in January. He's always been great with kids and I thought he'd be excited, so when he reacted negatively, I knew something wasn't right. He'd always been an attentive husband, always putting my needs first, pampering me and being supportive and patient. Well he changed drastically through the course of my pregnancy. He ended up apologizing for his initial reaction to the news and started getting more excited about the baby and getting involved, buying her bibs, mittens, booties, etc. I know he's excited (he talks and sings to my belly every night) but I know he was also stressed because he lost his job not even a month after we found out, and I had also been laid off just two months prior to getting pregnant.

 

Well he started neglecting me, leaving me home alone and staying out late partying and ignoring me. I felt very abandoned and scared, being pregnant and wondering if I was gonna end up raising this baby alone. 

 

I soon found out he was using drugs. He lost a scary amount of weight, looked like a zombie and was acting very out of character. I soon discovered he has DID, and one of his Alters had been in control for the months he started acting so bizarrely. We worked on healing and re-integrating (we refer to it as "getting whole"); I studied up on the condition (surprised to see he had literally every symptom) and I actually managed to help him get whole. However (it may have been pregnancy hormones) I was no longer happy with him and didn't want to mislead him, so I told him I wanted a trial separation - a break if you will, as the stress was too much. This caused him to split again, now another negative entity is beginning to form.

 

He ended up relapsing with the drugs and I found out he's had sex with multiple other women in the mere two-month time span that we've been separated. When he relapsed, I felt guilty for it and have been by his side ever since and have been putting aside my own mental health to cater to him and get him whole again before the birth of our daughter.

 

I am due this Thursday, so I can go into labor any day now. I love him and want him to re-integrate so desperately (we're even seeing a therapist who specializes in DID), but I have so much unresolved anger and resentment for everything I've been put through (WHILE pregnant nonetheless). He used to be the perfect man, and he did everything opposite of what he should do during this whole pregnancy.

 

I feel guilty because I know it's not all his fault - the Alter that's been in control is young (age 12), and I'm trying so hard to be patient and understanding...But at what cost? Even if he manages to reintegrate again, I fear I'm going to have resentment and not be able to trust him anymore. I'll always wonder if he's out using, or if he's with another woman...But I'm afraid if I leave he might split again, and I feel like such a horrible person for having resentment at all when it's not his fault and he probably hates himself for what his Alters do. 

 

Sorry for the long post - I just need advice and support from other carers that have dealt with this - how did you cope and how did you balance your own mental health while still supporting your loved one? Did it get better with time? 

 

And for those with DID - please provide me your point of view relevant to my husband's. Do your Alters sabotage your relationships? How does it make you feel and what would you say to your loved ones if you had no control over your Alters and you could see how badly they are hurting your loved one?

 

Thanks in advance. 

3 REPLIES 3

Re: Husband has Dissociative Identity Disorder and we're pregnant

Hi Kiaroxillante, welcome to the SANE forums. I am sure your post will get some replies from the members of the forum here. 

Re: Husband has Dissociative Identity Disorder and we're pregnant

Re: Husband has Dissociative Identity Disorder and we're pregnant

Oh dear.......I really hope I can connect to you, your post was back in 2018.

 

I have lived with a man for 20 years and sounds exactly like what you went through. He was misdiagnosed as bipolar but a more psychologist believed him to have a personality disorder and sounds the same as DID. Would like to chat to you about it.


@Kiaroxillante wrote:

So my husband and I have known each other 10 years (high school sweethearts). He's had DID since I've known him, but I did not find out until recently (this past June). He only has three total personalities, but has always done such a good job covering them up until recently. We found out I was pregnant with our first child in January. He's always been great with kids and I thought he'd be excited, so when he reacted negatively, I knew something wasn't right. He'd always been an attentive husband, always putting my needs first, pampering me and being supportive and patient. Well he changed drastically through the course of my pregnancy. He ended up apologizing for his initial reaction to the news and started getting more excited about the baby and getting involved, buying her bibs, mittens, booties, etc. I know he's excited (he talks and sings to my belly every night) but I know he was also stressed because he lost his job not even a month after we found out, and I had also been laid off just two months prior to getting pregnant.

 

Well he started neglecting me, leaving me home alone and staying out late partying and ignoring me. I felt very abandoned and scared, being pregnant and wondering if I was gonna end up raising this baby alone. 

 

I soon found out he was using drugs. He lost a scary amount of weight, looked like a zombie and was acting very out of character. I soon discovered he has DID, and one of his Alters had been in control for the months he started acting so bizarrely. We worked on healing and re-integrating (we refer to it as "getting whole"); I studied up on the condition (surprised to see he had literally every symptom) and I actually managed to help him get whole. However (it may have been pregnancy hormones) I was no longer happy with him and didn't want to mislead him, so I told him I wanted a trial separation - a break if you will, as the stress was too much. This caused him to split again, now another negative entity is beginning to form.

 

He ended up relapsing with the drugs and I found out he's had sex with multiple other women in the mere two-month time span that we've been separated. When he relapsed, I felt guilty for it and have been by his side ever since and have been putting aside my own mental health to cater to him and get him whole again before the birth of our daughter.

 

I am due this Thursday, so I can go into labor any day now. I love him and want him to re-integrate so desperately (we're even seeing a therapist who specializes in DID), but I have so much unresolved anger and resentment for everything I've been put through (WHILE pregnant nonetheless). He used to be the perfect man, and he did everything opposite of what he should do during this whole pregnancy.

 

I feel guilty because I know it's not all his fault - the Alter that's been in control is young (age 12), and I'm trying so hard to be patient and understanding...But at what cost? Even if he manages to reintegrate again, I fear I'm going to have resentment and not be able to trust him anymore. I'll always wonder if he's out using, or if he's with another woman...But I'm afraid if I leave he might split again, and I feel like such a horrible person for having resentment at all when it's not his fault and he probably hates himself for what his Alters do. 

 

Sorry for the long post - I just need advice and support from other carers that have dealt with this - how did you cope and how did you balance your own mental health while still supporting your loved one? Did it get better with time? 

 

And for those with DID - please provide me your point of view relevant to my husband's. Do your Alters sabotage your relationships? How does it make you feel and what would you say to your loved ones if you had no control over your Alters and you could see how badly they are hurting your loved one?

 

Thanks in advance. 


 

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