Friends, Family & Carers Forum

[Kiera80]

There is something that has been bothering me for a while now.  I am worried that I have lost my compassion towards my sibling.

This is hard to bring up and talk about.

As a sister I know I should love my sibling unconditionally but I just don't seem to be able to care anymore and I don't like myself because of the way I feel.

There have been days when I have thought how much better my life would be if my sibling was no longer around.  How horrible is it to think that?

What do these thoughts and feelings say about me?  Has anyone else ever gotten to the point of no longer caring about someone?

I don't know if I can ever care about my sibling the way I used to and that makes me a bit sad.

[Alessandra1992]

Hey @Kiera80,
Who said we should put this high standard of unconditional love and support on ourselves?
It is an ideal, what we can aim for and try and be unconditional with our love and have endless reserves of patience and empathy but it isn't easy to do unless you are Mother Teresa, The Pope, Dalai Lama or other essentially wise and holy people.
I would love to be filled to the brim with unconditional love and especially forgiveness, but currently, it is in deficit!
So we just keep trying and also balance between Reasonableness..my first exercise of love is reasonableness, my second is to aid and require others to be reasonable also..
When living with your sibling you might find yourself on the end of some unreasonable behaviour..I suspect it is the behaviour and not your sibling that is causing great stress...and being kind to yourself!
Be kind to you Kiera! Here is a big warm hug, you are doing the best you can!

[Kiera80]

Thank you for giving me some perspective.  I certainly don't have the attibutes of the amazing people you mentioned.  I guess I just feel a little guilty.

I think sometimes my sibling picks up on the way I feel when I've had enough and that usually goes one of two ways.  Either I get a comment like "what's wrong with you" or I get a nice gift or some similar nice gesture.  It becomes very confusing.

I will take your advice and be kind to myself.  I'm booking in a massage this weekend and I'm going to enjoy every minute!

[Alessandra1992]

Ooh book some time for me too @Kiera 🙂 I love a massage..that's what I am going to book in for next week. I was thinking osteopath coz back is playing up but a session of remedial massage might be even better 🙂
I struggle with being reasonable at times, there are days I want to be selfish, and just ignore everyone's needs but my own..sleep and/or time with friends usually grounds me again and I can continue to try and be reasonable..it isn't easy when you are way too quick to speak...I can never decide whether I am over controlled and trying to dominate everyone around me, or undercontrolled and not choosing widely which thoughts or feelings might be good to express or act upon...
Your brother might be like me too..fluctuating between moods, and lashing out when frustrated.check out what @Kristin, @PeppiPatty and @kenny66 have posted. They gave really good tips on using "I" statements. And acting reasonably by asking the person they care for what is working and what isn't..
I don't know if you've visited the lived experience forum but it is mostly where I identify myself..maybe your brother could check us out?
I don't know hibk we ever lose our compassion or empathy, but we can get worn out and wrung out trying to be compassionate with others..I reckon compassion like charity begins at home, start with ourselves first..:)

[PeppiPatty]

hi Kiera80@ and Sandy girl,

I've been reading these posts with interest......Kiera80, you should be giving yourself a pat on the head in that you are recognising your own feelings toward your own brother. That's a huge step in the right direction.

Your not...say ...going out late at night and drinking coffee madly and chatting to strangers which is how your getting your frustrations out or........madly going to women's groups and telling them all what's wrong with them but........... you are recognising your Own feelings.

so...let me agree with Allessandra1992. You can start thinking.....'this is what I need to do with myself to make myself feel good today..........
Today.....all online......me, Kiera80 .........went........
today...all online....me, Kiera80............stayed in in bed until noon and read WHO magazine for 30 minutes.

Back to you...what will make you happy? A massage.....do it. Have one per week.

I do 24-7 making necklaces and hand sewing. that's what makes me happy. My next door neighbours bought me a stretchy thing........ I do 3x10 stretching a few times per day

(thanks to Hobbit@ for writing about excersise when I first joined the forums) and go out for coffee most mornings to keep in the community.

I just want to add one more thing.......i I was extremely overwhelmed. I was studying this amazing course and full time caring for my sons. My two brothers were on interferon treatment for hep c from
Haemophilia and when I got the warning signals, instead of stopping and focusing, I went out and upped my volunteer work and my work.
collapsed and went to hospital.

You can do this. You are the mistress of your own destiny......You manage your own life.

[JT]

All of the above, look after yourself.  Also try separating in your mind your sister and the illness.  I'm sure you have heaps of love and compassion for her, but the illness on the other hand gets in the way of that.  I was resenting my own child until I sat down and wrote what I love about him as a person and kept reminding myself of those things.  Time out though is essential and no one should feel guilty about putting themselves first!!!

[NikNik]

Hi @Kiera80 

It's so common that @CherryBomb also started a discussion about Compassion Fatigue here !

I hope you're having a wonderful weekend and taking care of yourself 🙂

Nik

[Kiera80]

Thank you so much everyone for your input on this.

Lately I have been trying to look after myself a bit more.  I went ahead and booked my holiday to Bali next month which I'm really looking forward to.  I went and had my massage (although that was more of a torture session than relaxation). 

What upsets me a lot these days is when both my sibling and I are travelling nicely along and then wham, I am perceived to have done something to upset my sibling and get abused again.  It could be over the smallest thing and you don't see it coming.

It's like one step forward, two steps back.  I would just love to get off this merry go round.

I will check out the discussion about compassion fatigue, sounds like I should be reading that.

Have an awesome day everyone.

[Baboo]

Im so glad you can make time for your self- like a holiday- and voicing/ or typing that you try to work on self care i think would be helpful too. Family disputes can be so emotionally exhausting and hurtful. When i find myself in these times i try to remember to tell myself " i might not like you right now- but i still love you. And both is ok" This helps me. What do you tell yourself thats helpful ?

[PeppiPatty]

Baboo,
how are you? I'm mindful of Kiera80@ situation but another tangent...........

I'm losing compassion on my neighbours. I live in public housing in a really lovely area......it took a lot of time to get here but hoping to stay for the rest of my life.......
But the gossip.......it can get very upsetting and I'm losing compassion for the people who are 'in' it. they are older than me and people who
I have treated with respect before.......