Lived Experience Forum

[TwoWays]

This is hard to explain. Sometimes I feel the pressure of mania elevating and I get a mass rush of energy mixed with equal amounts of anxiety. Then comes the racing thoughts emotional mixes. Mix the confusion and then frustration with energy and then the anger and rage strikes and emtional spikes. (pay no attention to my rhyming hehe) I'm recently diagnosed BP1 and BPD. (Same as my partner of 4 years). I'm having a hard time holding back and taking control and want to know if anyone has any advice, like techniques taught by CBT or the like? When this happens its lile I have restless legs all throughout my body and then I twitch lol Atm I'm feeling higher energy flowing through me. I'm taking an anti D 30mg and 200mg of mood stabiliser at bed time. I started the medication 1 month ago. My psych suggested tapering off the anti D (I was manic first 3 weeks due to the anti D side effect) but he was vague and I don't know if he meant for me to listen or if he was thinking out aloud. So frustrating.

[Mazarita]

Hi @TwoWays, another welcome to the forum.

I too have the bipolar diagnosis and recognise the kind of energy build up you describe, though mine has stopped short of twitching. That must be very difficult to live with. It sounds like it's still early days with the medication and that may take a little longer to improve your symptoms. But is it possible for you to make contact with the psych to clarify the recommendation with your anti-depressant? I have been able to do this in the past with my psychiatrist by phoning the office. I realise this is a difficult time of year for this but I would suggest making contact as soon as the psych's office is open again. 

One way I deal with the kind of excessive energy buildup you describe is breathing exercises to try to slow down the breath and calm the nervous system. You may already be familiar with this kind of thing. I just sit comfortably in an armchair, close my eyes and first of all just focus my mind on the breath. I then start taking deeper slower in-breaths on the count of four, and slow out-breaths on a count of six. There are many variations on the kinds of exercises we can do with breathing. The main thing is to focus the mind on the breathing and keep gently bringing back your attention to that when it wanders away. 

Aside from this, I tend to try to quiet my nervous system by not actively 'pursuing' the agitating thoughts and feelings. I used to let myself go a lot more with the excitement of those things. Also, I find that my inner agitation can sometimes have me feeling exhausted and I sometimes let myself just go to sleep for a while at those times to 'reboot'. Sometimes I feel calmer after sleep.

This may or may not be of any use to you with the intense inner experience you are having just now. Either way I really wish you well. If you are around tomorrow evening and online, a group of us are getting together for a virtual feast. You are most welcome to join us. 

[CherryBomb]

It's frustrating when doctors are vague - it can make things even more confusing about how to manage your MI. 

I Just wanted to add to @Mazarita's wonderfully pratical and insightful post.

You may want to check out this thread here on mania started by @redhead and this one here on Bipolar mania onset started by @eth. Both these threads have some strategies and ways to cope with mania. Feel free to contibute to these thread, and/or erhaps these @eth or @redhead can offer some advice here?

CB

[Appleblossom]

I have felt all the things you describe ... a bit twitchy and energy rises.

They are good suggestions for caling down.  I still sometimes to choose to go with the energy ...but its not so much an excitement thing  ..I see it as an energy reservoir within ... eg get the garding or housework done ...I its hard when I have to drag myself through those tasks ... so handy when I have energy to burn.

Welcome to the forum.

[MoonGal]

Hi @TwoWays - glad you are here. I live with Bi polar II (and some other things - anxiety, PTSD, OCD) and i know that mixed feeling. I have regular mixed states and rapid cycle. Over the past year since my diagnoses, (lived with it all my life but only just diagnosed) I have been more observant of my cycles, my main focus is trying to catch myself before I 'fall or fly'.

I have a couple of mental excercises I use to 'turn myself down" One of these is described here in a great thread called "The Coping Box" started by @Crazy_Bug_Lady

And before I knew about that thread I started a discussion called "The Toolkit"

I am intolerant of mood stabilisers n, they deaden me beyoond bearing, depending on their type I also have all sorts of really awful side effects. One side effect of a med, an anti-seizure med also used for mood stabilisation, I was prescribed was a terrible internal buzzing, rampng up towards mania, always on the cusp of exploding, moving restlessley unless I 'held myself still' it was exhausting, I was beside myself for 6 weeks (which is a very long time to endure such turmoil) because it took me to a place where I couldn't make the decision to cease the medication I was stuck on the fact that my Psych had prescribed it so "it must be taken'. So I wonder if maybe you might like to check in with your p-doc and check whether the new med may be causing this state? Or do some onlne research as to uncommn side effects. We are all so different and what one med does for a whole swag of people, might effect someone else very differently.

(*Hope this is okay Moderators - is my lived experience and maybe shared might be helpful?)

[TwoWays]

Hi and thank you so much for your thoughts. I am finding that my mood goes from completely manic low then it spikes around 2-3pm. I have cut out the anti d cold turkey and havent experienced any effects. I feel better even. But my trying to sleep is ridiculous. I have upped my xr antipsychotic to 450mg each night and when I eventually sleep ot is great! No waking up or twitchy legs and I feel okay, dulled in the morning but then my mood flinches away from the low to euphoric. I mean I can sit and then it just rushes the tbrough me? Is this what others feel? I am takjng 300mg morning and night medication for seizures as I have terrible spinal issues. I sometimes take a *drug holiday* with those ie 3 days in a row I begin to feel Im no longer responding and the back pain sets in so I stop taking the seizure meds for a few days then hop onto them. It's really tough when self medicating. I relied on a sleeping tablet since last year.. my work was shift 12 hours at night for 5 nights in a row. Doc prescribed it cos after my shifts ended I couldnt sleep properly. So I've been off thoset cold turkey for 2 months now and I hate the anxiety is back and there's sweet F all I can do about it. My insides.feel buzzing and the crawling out of my skin sensation hits.. then the wondeful euphoria hits. I cant say I don't love when I can look forward to 2-3pm each day.. the creativity is fantastic... I do try and not let it take a hold of me but it does. Last night i crashed.. the worst feeling when suicide thinks of you and it is so hard to push that away. I was so scared of myself. Unforunately I have no reliable friends and no family (yep I fucked up all my relationships with them) -and I have no help for ny children. I really wanted to go to hospital but what about my children?? So I am in a fucked situation. I sent my partner to gaol last year for filomg a poloce report while I was manic aNd in a rage (I thought he was cheating on me so the madness created a fictitious story to hurt him. I am GREAT at feeling hurt rage. I hate myself for all the damage I have caused and it's unforgivable. I don't know if i previously mentioned a different psych assessed me earlier last year iaround May (for work cover) and he dx me paranoid delusional disorder and the cluster B type personality disorders - I thought my co workers were conspiring and poisoning the water amongst a lot of other things. Im a whole mix of crazy and this mixed shit hash not stopped if anything the swings are getting a lot worse. I will now take a look at the links provided. Again thank you. Its so good to relate to others who understand crazy.. the rest of the world has no idea and to them I'm nothing anymore. Please forgive me I am all over the place atm its hard to sit at I'll and write because I want to allow the euphoria take over but I don't cos I loathe the crashes.

[Mazarita]

Hi @TwoWays,

I have experienced a lot of ups and downs with bipolar but I would be very concerned to be feeling what you are describing, especially since you got to the point of feeling like you should go to hospital. Sounds like it might be wise to see your psychiatrist as soon as possible, even making an earlier appointment if you can. 

It may be that your medications being up and down, on and off, could be worsening your symptoms. Or it may be that your medications need review in general. Is your psychiatrist aware you self-medicate? I've done it too but I guess you know it is not recommended and can make our symptoms worse. 

You mentioned CBT in your first post. Have you ever seen a psychologist for some talk therapy? This may also be helpful to you, even if just to lessen the extremity of what you are feeling and make it a bit more managable. All you need to do to access this therapy is to visit your GP and ask for a referral under the 'Mental Health Care Plan'. There is a Medicare subsidy that covers most if not all of the cost. You can get 6-10 sessions with a psychologist on this plan.

I'm hearing your distress and hoping you find some relief very soon. Hope to hear more about how you are going.

[TwoWays]

Hi @Mazarita, it was difficult to fall asleep last night. I upped the antipsychotic beecause they pulled me off sleepimg tabs which I would say was my life saver for all situations. Sleep. Outtings. Medical apots. So I'm pretty much a prisoner in my own home. Without it I feel incredible anxiety.and paranoia. I will book an appt to see my GP for this week I cant see my psych until early February. My pschologist I am finding hard to understand her english and is so far away. No they arent really i far away. 30 minute drive but everything is far away atm. I feel disassociated. I slept soundly once I fell asleep. 8 solid hours. Sleep has always been rough for me. I am paranoid that people are lostening to my phone calls. Spying on me in the posts. It's a feelin of dread that something bad is going to happen all the time. I have to attend court in 2 werks but I dont think I can get the any paper to support my illness in time. I'm still feeling the buzzy rush of euphoria - so atm the 450mg is appropriate but I need some type of other stabilizer. Psych told me to take as a prn more anyipsychitic if tequired buy I only have the xr and cant afford medication until my centrelink paymentd go through and they refuse to accept my medical cert for 3 months and the pressure to look for work is worsening my moods due to ptsd from work.

[Mazarita]

Hi @TwoWays,

That's a tough situation you are in and I feel for you.

I relate to being a prisoner in your own home from spending long periods of time in my life barely leaving the flat. I get some paranoia too in relation to what I write on the internet but, having been on this forum regularly for many months now, I have come to relax into it and mostly feel fine with it now, very grateful for the support I have had here. 

Glad to hear you will be seeing your GP this week. I would make sure I conveyed the extremes of what I was feeling so that I got as much immediate help as possible. It's awful when you can't afford your medication. Do you know why Centrelink is refusing your medical certificate? Was that written by your GP? Maybe the doctor who wrote it (or your GP) need to word it differently so it will go through next time. I'd certainly be talking to my GP about that too.

Sleep has always been weird for me too. Good to hear you got a solid eight hours last night.

[MoonGal]

@TwoWays - you are doing it really tough, I like what @Mazarita has suggested. What's happeneng for you isn;t 'right' and meds might be the cause, coming off sleepers, upping and downing the number of anti-psychotics etc - all play a part in neurotransmitters. I wonder if it might be helpful to print off the first post here to give to your GP - or copy, paste and edit it (taking out stuff you don;t want them to see)  on a document so they get a full picture of the issues you are experiencing. I know when I go to see my Doc when I am travelling freally rough sometimes I can;t get the words out to describe the whole situation properly, and appointments are so short, and getting to "the point' is important. All the best, stay with us here, hope you find some equilibrium very quickly.