Lived Experience Forum

[Former-Member]

 Trying to find and create a place to feel nurtured and safe from storms, where I might belong, even if only for a time, where I can feel at home, able to welcome others and share knowledge, feelings, stories and experiences. 

I'd so like to share the many stories of what happened to shape me into the person I am today, some I can share, but the most recent stuff, the really scary stuff is caught up in past work related experiences that have to remain secret. This makes understanding the way I percieve the world around me a bit difficult to explain to those who have not had that background. 

The last few years have been a turmoil of anxiety issues piled on top of one another, time and time again. It's hard to trust when the ones who should have protected you are the ones who were the most consistent in their abuse of  you.

From childhood, mother decided I was out to harm her in some way and took up against me even before I started school, belittling and shaming me as often and as openly as she could. Eventually the siblings took part in that as well, and do so to this day. Except that I no longer hear about it having severed all connections with them to save myself. 

Along the way, a kidnapping and sexual assault occurred for which I was blamed by priest and parent alike. Luckily the doctor the school principal eventually forced my mother to take me to gave me what I now understand to have been the morning after pill, and despite it being too long after the event, it worked. Something I didn't realise the truth about until some years later, having been a sheltered and naive child at the time. Clever doctor tricked ma into leaving the room and talking to me on my own. 

Fast forward to marriage, children, births and deaths, and domestic violence, and move after move after move for work prospects. An eventual diagnosis of PTSD after being wrongly treated for epilepsy for a year. Then other diagnoses of depression and anxiety and other health factors throughout the years. 

The repeated betrayal of a once loved church system, priests, and loved ones has left me emotionally scarred, some of those wounds will never heal, this I know to be true for many of us who have been treated without respect or honour. 

 Anniversay reactions are problem times, especially when those times occur around the times when others want to celebrate. Religion and divinity references, platitudes and throw away phrases that dismiss the reality of experience have no place in my world. 

I just want a place of respite, of recovery, of kindness and consideration, where all who interact are respected and honoured while being respectful and honourable; even if it's only for a time. 

After all, to everything there is a season ... 

[outlander]

@Former-Memberthank you for sharing your story here with us im sorry all those things happened to you. how dreadful. this is your safe haven so dont be afraid to post whats on your mind. sitting with you

[Former-Member]

You are so very kind @outlander thank you.  It's still new to me, so will be slow, and we can talk of other things too. 

Look after you, rest well when you do.  I'm logging off for the night now, need to rest up a bit more. 

[outlander]

of course @Former-Member just take your time and talk about whatever your comfortable with. hope you sleep well loveley

[Former-Member]

Today is starting out quietly, the only noises are from the wind in the trees surrounding the house here. There's a little road noise, but the sussuration of the wind through the leaves is drowning out all but the closest and loudest bird calls. 

I'm really trying to find ways to reach inside and pull out some happiness, a way to break out of the all consuming sadness and cynicism that my life has come to, a bit like the old pulling a rabbit out of a hat trick.

Those old 'fake it till you make it' platitudes don't work anymore, if they ever really did. I do remember being happy though, I wasn't always like this. This crept up on me, but once it took hold, it hasn't really let go no matter how I've tried to loosen it's grip. 

What I did was cover it up. Being the light in the darkness for everyone else seems to have only made things worse for me in the end. Now, I'm living on the edge, day after day after day, but no one else really gets it, perhaps that's my own fault for trying not to be a burden to anyone else with my own truths. 

Fragility is an everpresent companion these days.

There must be a way out of this, it seems wrong to let the actions of others, from the past, from the present and even the actions of those on the other side of the world, so deeply impact on my own feelings. 

I will do the only things I can do, the only things I know how to do. I will do what I can to help myself and do my best to accept that there are those who see me as worthy of their kindness and support. 

While there's nothing that truly requires my attention today, I'm going to try to lift myself out of the current ennui and despair by doing some practical things that will then provide me with a sense of accomplishment and just the tiniest bit of pleasure at having done them. 

Simple things like having clean sheets, the fragrance of the sunlight on them lingers, the feel against the skin as I fall into bed are a pleasure.

Seeing a floor that needs sweeping only makes me feel less capable and perhaps lazy, so I'll carefully, because I need to take care not to over do things, sweep up the debris left idling due to the extremity of illness over the last few days. 

So, washing, sweeping, cooking an omellette for breakfast, later some crochet edging, these things I will begin with. 

Here's hoping we can all get through today gracefully.

@outlander @CheerBear @greenpea @those who would like to join, I am wary of tagging and causing upset to those who are having their own difficult times. 

[CheerBear]

Hi @Former-Member. As it seems I do often when we're both online at the same time, I feel like I am following you around the forum! (Meant in the most non-creepy way)

Thank you for sharing the things you have. You have been through a lot. I hope it helps to have a safe haven here.

I really like the idea of trying to pull out some happiness from somewhere. It can be very hard to do, but finding something positive in the little things can make a difference I think. Focusing on the sense of accomplishment that may be there after completing a practical task, is another that can make a difference. Those little things can and do add up. 

Leaving you with these with the hope it adds some brightness, even just a teeny bit, for you

Thinking of you ❤

[Former-Member]

Hehe @CheerBear, I know, I sometimes (often) feel the same, in that same non-creepy way, of course. It can often be somewhat amusing too. 

What a lovely garden of crochet flowers, thank you for sharing that, it is such a lovely bright and warming image! 

I appreciate your kind words, what I've shared above is only the tip of the iceberg, as it is with so many people, there are so many experiences that go together to make up the whole. 

The medicos are now (additionally/ extra) interested in my potential apnoea because of the near-miss-cot-death baby (yes that is the medical term) in my earlier years, I guess they're doing research in that area and want to see if there's any connection they can find in the genetics. I used to be right up there with the research, but have learned to let it be. The years of distress - at least the monitor gave us a heads up to start rescusitation. 

Still, they lived and now have their own little to learn from and worry about.

Washing is done, floors are swept, about to put clothes out to dry and then maybe make the omellette. There's so much day left that I will have to find something else to do.

Sharing some daisy uplift.

[Snowie]

Hi @Former-Member,

I have read your first post a number of times and wanted to let you know that you are extremely brave and strong to write it. I know all our stories are much more complex than what we write here, yet it gives us an insight, so thankyou.

It was however your post today that I connected with alot. Some of your writings felt like you were looking into my brain and pulling out my thoughts. 

Well done for doing little things today. All we can do is try our best each day. Sometimes that is accomplishing jobs, sometimes that is staying in bed all day. Both are totally fine and totally acceptable on our journey.

Strength grows in the moments when you think you can't go on but keep going anyway. I see alot of strength through your writings @Former-Member

I hope you have a nice day with some moments of pleasure today.

Thanks again for your courage in telling us your story 

[Former-Member]

Thank you for your kindness and thoughtfulness in coming by @Snowie and thank you for your kind words. 

You are so correct when you say our stories here are only fragments of what we could relate, I definitely also understand this about everyone really, as do you, and many others. Some days the best thing I can do for myself is to stay resting so I don't overdo and hurt myself trying to meet someone else's irrelevant to me, expectation. I still hear ma's words when I walk out of the bedroom deliberately leaving my bed unmade "Only a s-l-u-t leaves the house without making her bed first."

Oh, and father's reaction when I visited wearing  the green sandals I'd so painstakingly saved my loose change from paypackets for? "Only prostitutes wear green shoes, don't come here wearing them again." The same for red shoes; dear, dear, the fragmented and dangerous path I navigated as a child of those ingrained prejudices. I take the greatest of pleasure in wearing my lovely red sandals that I will continue to wear. 

Yeah, a loving parent is one of those legendary myths I keep hearing about but never experienced for myself. 

Life is like that, so as I've said, today is a day for doing little things for me, be they productive or otherwise (sometimes otherwise is productive). 

Trying to accept that this is what my life was, and has become, share some of the experiences and maybe work through the emotional upheaval that is my constant companion by doing so. 

Omelette made and eaten, more scrambled because I forgot what i was doing and stirred it. Gosh some days! 

Now I need to think about organising food for dinner, nothing too challenging either to eat or to prepare. 

[Snowie]

@Former-MemberI am glad you have not let what was said to you define who you are. I'd say wear those red shoes as much as you like.

I hope you got through what you wanted and got tea organised.