Lived Experience Forum

[Appleblossom]

This might just be the flip side of my thread on MadPride, but I felt motivated to start new thread on reading @Neb's post. I have felt many conflicting feelings about myself and my family. As one would in a complicated situation. It has taken a while to tease issues out and sort things in my mind. I feel I am getting there.

A few years ago someone said to me in an amazed voice you "sound proud that your parents were schizophrenic" and told me her sad story.  I am not completely mad and realise it is a serious condition, but I did love and try to understand them as whole people, as much as any human can understand another. I went through my share of "negative" feelings of hurt, anger, numbness, fear etc. Dad died at 45, but the other of my schizophrenic parents had a comparatvely good outcome and lived a creative life in her stubborn way and had a busy active autumn period (60-80 years) with enough plane trips to make her fit into the current "norm".

Mum only died last December and her sense of shame about her MI had a motivating effect on her to get herself well.She had only primary school education from being in occupied WWII country  She totally rejected all MH ideas and supports and turned to God. Not my way (I tried to walk a path between religion and the mental health system and all the other systems out there I met in my life), but it helped her and was a huge part of the worldview and culture she grew up with. She went out in a blaze of glory and felt she had conquered her demons etc, but left a very divided family, still haunted with MH demons, despite her denials, as 2 of my nephews are currently in treatment, as well as my son.  She blew my mind in the last year saying she was glad she had shock treatment and did not mind if my son had it,  but it took 50 years for her to get to that point, and she would not have wanted her favourite grandson to suffer in that way.  Basically for decades, she hated doctors and treated me as treacherous  to "the family" if I sought help, even though she could never give me any herself.

So, I have to still say that she was "sick" in some way as she could not relate to the harm she had caused me as a child and as a young woman and a mother.  So mum was not perfect but she had a go and I am proud of that. 

In the many gaps in my life, I've had a heap of undeserved shame poured on me.  Being bullied about my lack of fancy clothes, or given the flick cos I did not have high enough standards about suburb of origin, father's job description, etc.,etc.I bought or sewed my own clothes since I was 11.  I should be able to be proud of that. I first raised money for the family, drawing cards and selling them  with mum in Sydney subways. sadly mum and I might have bonded if she could have celebrated some of those thin gs that we did together, but she was too ashamed.

Thats enough of a rant from me.  Any comments?

[Former-Member]

@Appleblossom, Firstly I would like to thank you for your contribution to this space.

Your desciption of your journey, and that of your mother's fills me with hope and renewed energy for our collective work within the mental health arena. 

What you have shared is a true testiment to the fact that members of our community with a lived experience of ill meental health, can, and do live good quality lives and the lives of their choosing- In the presence and absence of symptoms.

I look forward to reading more of your posts.

Jumpinjojo

[Appleblossom]

Thank you

Yes I have seen lots of collective WORK on this site, that is why I dove in.. Emotional work that requires effort is still work. I have faith that there not too many dole bludgers here.

[NikNik]

Hi @Appleblossom

Woah you have been such a power house in these forums lately - I've 'seen' you everywhere! The advice and support you have offered others has been phenomenal!

I think your story is amazing. You sound like a very determined person - not many people would have the initiative and talent to do what you did - sewing your own clothes, creating and selling cards. To get through what you have got through is inspiring.

The title of your discussion 'Shame' reminded me of a couple of great TED Talks by Brene Brown. The first one you have to watch is 'The power of vulnerability' and then 'Listening to shame'

As I said, your contribution so far has been phenomenal. I know you're off at the moment getting some work done, but I look forward to"seeing" you around the Forums again soon.

Nik

[Learnin2recover]

@Appleblossom thanks for sharing your story. The complicated relationships we have with our family, our feelings and our understandings can make doing the 'work' to recover just seem so daunting that many cant face it. I've been lucky to have found a committed psychotherapist who has seen me through suicide attempts, homelessness, psychotic breaks and all of the pain and isolation that mental health struggles can bring. I am doing much better now, I've completed a diploma and I'm trying to find a job.
I couldn't have done it without professional health, as my family trigger me more than they could ever help me.
The gov is planning to cut Medicare funding for psychiatric treatment. This petition is to send our voices to the minister to say No. We need help if we are going to recover-
https://www.communityrun.org/petitions/don-t-leave-the-most-vulnerable-behind
Please sign/ forward if it is something that matters to you too.
Good luck to you x t

[Former-Member]

Hi @Appleblossom

thank you for sharing that. You have so much compassion and understanding for your mum even while acknowledging that there were serious issues and consequences as  result of the mi. You've given me something to think about, because my situation was simiiar with my parents both being... ill i suppose. 

Thank you,

LJ

[Appleblossom]

Dear @Former-Member thanks

In order to parent we seem to need to find a place in our heart that is kind to ourselves and our parents...  acknowledge the good bits and understand and if possible forgive the bad bits ...or at least put them in perspective without demonising or idealising....

I had no shame today ... my GP appoinment finally came up today .. I try to tell inspirational stories but I such a mess I couldnt control the tears even in public. It hasnt been like that for about 7-8 years so I must be bad, but I lived like that for decades.  She was nice and is doping me up with agreement with pharmacist not to give me too much at once ... so here we go.

I am so angry and feel for ced to take drugs rather than people acknowledge their power games .. but owe it to son to find the most peaceful path. 

I have one student for an hour today . .. dr said take some after lesson in case I get woozy.

[Former-Member]

@Appleblossom

I'm glad to hear that you went to the dr. But maybe not so much that you feel forced into taking medication. But still hopeful that it will help you. I know that I wouldnt be doing ... as well as I am... wihtout medication. But everyone is different. 

The tears might be a sign of growth and change to come... rather than just how bad you are.. or at least thats what my psychologist tells me... that I need to learn to be able to cry and let go of things... with other people there to support me 😄 letting it out is probably healthy though! 

Really hope the side effects over the next few weeks arent too bad,

here with you,
LJ

[Appleblossom]

Thanks @Former-Member

I tie myself up in knots about asking for help and whether I am sick enough or worthy enough. However I have not let pride stop me cos with children, as you know, we have to keep functioning every day. Over the years, I certainly have asked for and received help. But I try to stick it out ... strong face style ...

I did primal therapy in the 80s and they were big into crying and my abilty to cry is pretty will tuned from that.  I believe it was the physicality and emotional connectedness of that therapy that stopped me developing full blown schizophrenia.  Though I can dissociate I became too grounded in the body and developed various body care values .. like good nutritious food and exercise and eventually gave up smoking etc. Definitely no SH or SI at that stage.

Crying can be good and cleansing ... I cried daily for about 12 years after the deaths, but I was crying on the walk to the surgery and in the waiting room etc.  I couldnt prevent it, so I guess I needed to. I havent really had others support me when in tears that sounds nice .. son is concerned and I am trying not to lean on him etc.

I am much better today, I go back to GP in 6 weeks and we will make plans then but she wanted me stabilised ... fair enough.  It feels good to get the dialogue on this forum.  I appreciate it but it matters that I know you a bit ... I know you toughed it out with little sister and study etc ... its not just fluff .. you are a real person with strengths and sensitivities just like me. Thanks again

[Appleblossom]

Some people have asked about my story.  I am looking at old posts and reflecting on them including noting what has changed and what is the same, and also how my internal narrative about that aspect of my life has changed.  That Gp did not last long as she was busy empire building, but I am still at the same clinic.

It maybe egocentric, but it seems logical to do this self work.  Maybe tying up knots about my life.

Thanks for being there for me back then @Former-Member