Friends, Family & Carers Forum

[johnnyspack]

Hi this is my first post and the beginning of my care journey.

A quick outline of our situation: Both my parents are in their late 80’s and 6 weeks ago my mother had a nasty fall which resulted in a broken hip and femur and a subsequent operation. While I felt she had mild dementia before hand after the operation and anesthetic her dementia has significantly increased.

6 weeks after the operation she seems to have plateaued to a place where she cannot complete more than a couple of sentences and has delusions usually related to her thinking she lives in other countries. She doesn’t seem to be too distressed and seems happy within her skin. While mobile with a walker now she still needs a nurse / assistance to shower / toilet and get out of bed. She can feed herself, brush hair etc.

Her time in hospital is coming to an end and the family has decided that she should return home to full time care over going into an aged care facility. The gist is that being in familiar surroundings she will rehab better and while not return to her “old” self might live out her days happier. Also a big factor is my father who himself has early on-set dementia and needs care as well. He’s strongly opposed to aged care, either her going into it or both of them going.

It looks like I’ll be the one managing the situation as all the other siblings live overseas. Problem for me is that I live in Sydney while my parents are in Melbourne. I wont be able to relocate for other reasons, but can come down every other week. I’m pretty capable and very good at organizing things and feel I should be OK, but am a little scared as I don’t know what lies ahead. Financially we are lucky as my father saved vigorously all his life and for the foreseeable future can fund home care. I have all POA, which will help.

I would love to hear from anyone who’s travelled a similar road and benefit from their experiences.

Also does anyone know of a resource where I can find freelance carers that are not with agencies? My dealings so far with them seem to be centered around signing contracts and giving banking details over care and I suspect a lot of their high costs are to keep the companies in profit and don’t really go to the carers. I would love to hear from anyone who has experience with this as well.

Thanks in advance for taking the time to read this and for any help/advice you can offer.

Johnny.

[Former-Member]

Hi @johnnyspack

A very warm welcome to Sane. Unfortunately I haven't had the same experiences as you are facing with your aging parents. I do know of some home care help offered by charities and churches such as Anglicare, local community centre, Catholic Care etc which people say provide excellent care and are either non for profit or very reasonable rates. Others may jump on here soon that have had more practical experience and can help you more. One avenue you could try whom may have some answers and guide you to the resources you are after would be Carers Australia. You can google them in your State. Wishing you my very best

[Former-Member]

Hello @johnnyspack

I love the picture of your avatar...

I bought a vintage bear whilst I was overseas in UK earlier this year...he looks very much like that...he has coarse fur....I collect some bears...not too many

my mother has just gone into a nursing home after being assessed as needing high care earlier this year....anglicare actually....her expectations were that they would have lovely gatherings....afternoon teas....lovely chats....a warm...friendly...caring attitude....

after the first week....mum realised that nursing homes are run along the same lines as hospitals....routine...rush...routine...staff shortage...

the few staff that they have and many are agency staff are lovely....they just have  too much work to be done during their shifts..same in all nursing homes and hospitals..

so mum is adjusting....is mostly room bound apart from dinner and evening tea...my mum is stubborn..

my sister...her carer...by her own choice....has had her own illnesses and has run herself ragged controlling mum.....controlling...not accepting any help....not using resources for carers....now is very bitter and even more controlling...mum now anxious and frightened of upsetting my sister..

When I read your post....the overall  message that I heard was that you have written about what everyone else thinks will be best and wants it done their way...

Overseas family should not have any part in decisions if they are not involved in the care...

how is mum acting in hospital?  if there is not someone at home fulltime to care for her when she returns she probably needs to go into a rehabilitation hospital..for a couple of weeks.

also her doctor can arrange for her to be assessed by ACAT for a decision on whether she is deemed as requiring high care which means 24/7 care...therefore nursing home is safest option...

even with home care....different people coming and going...not turning up adds confusion to those already suffering any signs of dementia or just ageing...

You  also live interstate and managing this home care will become a nightmare for you...

I feel that you are putting far too much pressure on  yourself...that your overseas family can easily state that it would be preferable for mum to be at home with dad...

sometimes what is preferable in the eyes of some is not safe..practical ...ideal for the patient themselves....

most of us do not what to even think of our parents ending up in nursing homes....if and when it does happen we have to look at firstly what is the safest..best option for the parent and also self-care for ourselves. we can still visit...take our parent out...if they will allow it..

I hope that I have not come across in a negative way...

I am just in the middle of the mess with my sister and mum....

whatever your decision ....have your mum assessed as your starting point...if not high care it might work...still a lot of work for you though...

all the best....

keep in touch if you would like to vent.....

[johnnyspack]

Thanks for your thoughts. I'll be sure to look up Carers Australia.

[johnnyspack]

I'm going to give it a go for 3 months and see how it pans out. I'll certainly be venting, I'm sure!

[Faith-and-Hope]

Hi @johnnyspack and welcome to the forums .....

We “watch over”my MIL, but to date have not had to manage the level of care for aging parents that you have going on.  Your experiences will help to inform the rest of us, as much as others here can help inform you.

Pleased to meet you.