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Looking after ourselves

Jade
Casual Contributor

Suggestions and information on how to look after yourself

Hi all

 

When I first became a carer I was guilty as others maybe of putting the person you are looking after first.

 

My mother was diagnosed with a terminal illness in June 2013. She became very depressed as her diagnosis was Stage 4 cancer. Doctors could only give her quality of life with no chance of remission. My only thoughts were to help her accept her diagnosis and make her life as perfect as I could for her remaining life. I also found myself supporting my daughter, my brother and his wife. My father passed away from cancer 15 years previously so we all knew what to expect.  

 

I was in the final year of a Bachelor of Clinical Science (Psychology), with plans of progressing to Honors in Psychology. These plans were put on hold indefinately. After discussion with one of my psychology tutors they suggested that talking to a psychologist could be helpful.

 

I now have a psychologist that I see on a regular basis to talk about what is going on for me, and different options for helping myself eg. meditation, mindfulness practice. I discovered that my feelings were part of  a grieving process for the loss of my previous life before I became a carer.

 

I think that sometimes we forget that when we become a carer our whole life changes and we don't take the time to grieve the life we had before caring.

 

 

15 REPLIES 15

Re: Suggestions and information on how to look after yourself

Good luck

Re: Suggestions and information on how to look after yourself

Hi Jade,

It is definitely a big change to come to terms with, and seeing a psychologist is a valuable step to take.  In terms of self-care strategies, besides talking with friends or seeing a psych, I think it's good to take time to enjoy little moments.  Some of my favourites are savouring a nice hot cuppa, or cooking delicious food.  If I have extra time, bubble baths are a pretty nice way to take care of yourself as well!  Little things can make a big difference sometimes.

I'm sure one day you will have the chance to complete your studies, and I have every confidence that your experiences will make you a much more compassionate and empathetic practitioner.

All the best to you and your family

Re: Suggestions and information on how to look after yourself

Hey Jade,

Really glad to read you're doing what you can to look after yourself! It's absolutely necessary because if you aren't looking after yourself, you won't be able to look after anyone else!

Re: Suggestions and information on how to look after yourself

So true Jade, its almost a mantra for carers to look after ourselves, but its easier said than done!

When my daughter became unwell I had counselling from a psychologist also. At first it helped me find better ways to care for my daughter. I was really angry, not at her, but because she was the one who became ill! I had younger children who were still at school and it was good to get help to explain the illness to them.

Later on, it helped me to deal with my grief as the psychosis changed my daughter into a different person.

I'm glad I went to counselling, even though it was hard work at the time. The funny thing is, by taking the time to look after some of my own needs, I've become a much better carer for my daughter. And she agrees with me!

 

Re: Suggestions and information on how to look after yourself

Interstingly, my experience with a psychologist was the opposite. Maybe she didn't really undertsand much about being a carer. I was at an all time low. My sister and nephew who had been living with schizophrenia died prematurely within 8 weeks of each other and I was really battling with the grief as well as being full time carer for my son. I recognised that I was 'coping' by disassociating myself in order to keep going so thought I should take myself along to a psychologist.She told me that the only way I could help myself was to detach from the cause of my stress. I told her I couldn't do that as the 'cause of my stress' was my son for whom I was caring 24/7. She insisted that it would be the only way out for me. Naturally, I didn't take her advice and as a result, started devising my own ways of dealing with things. I began journalling every day, pouring my feelings out on to the pages, re-established my meditation practice (at night after he'd gone to sleep) and forced myself to go out and walk early every morning before he woke up.

 

Re: Suggestions and information on how to look after yourself

Like what Harriet writes.
And, of course, Jade.
Jade can write that she gives time thinking of being a.carer and also thinking about her past studies.

I like that Jade is writing the word grieving. She is aware of taking time to grieve. Is she writing or does she suggest that she is giving time to her special parts.
I can wholeheartedly empathise.

I was a full time carer for my youngest son for 15 years through cancer. He recovered but i went through about two years of grieving.

Re: Suggestions and information on how to look after yourself

Hi Jo

we are the experts in our own lives, you trusted what was needed for you, and what worked!

Re: Suggestions and information on how to look after yourself

Yes. There was no way I could turn away from my son. I just had to hope and trust that all would work out somehow. It took a long while with a lot of setbacks but eventually it did. In hindsight, I feel I have grown in a way that would never have been possible had i gone down any other path.

Re: Suggestions and information on how to look after yourself

dear Jo,

I am commenting as a 'layperson,' as someone who has done the study but not a professional or in the work itself. All studies I have done is for self interest....

I always feel that when someone is going through a wretched time, choosing what 'type' of therapist is not always an option.

Your ways of dealing with difficult times sound strong and surprisingly insightful. that you chose to journal and meditate. And go on walks...

I think it goes.....Psychiatrist.. For medication
Psychologist For day to day issues. Dealing with day to day well being.
Psychotherapist. deep unconscious stuff.

I don't know where 'Social Worker,' slots in? I see and have deepest respect for a wonderful Social Worker whenever I need a chat.
I need to find myself in 'the right place...' To go on walks or to exercise. ....

, I don't meditate. I don't like it. but on the other hand, I can read for hours, tapestry, draw, paint for hours. That's like meditating isn't it ?

As I am writing on a forum, please don't take this as I am a professional or anything but the Psychologist you saw sounds like someone working hard at caring for you the best way she could.

I was seeing a well known GP for some years but she also wasn't coping well with my story/ my life. We both made mistakes, not breaking any boundries or anything but my story was too much. It took me a couple of years to realise that what she said or acted toward me...was from a place of deep care and respect.
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