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Looking after ourselves

Re: The Challenges of Mental Health Wellbeing

Hi, @Sans911
I’m sorry I don’t mean to be rude but I was wondering how you are managing.
I have tried to read a lot of this thread but there is lots.

At the start it talks about your sucidality and being honest. Did that strategy help with reducing the risky behaviours?

Re: The Challenges of Mental Health Wellbeing

Hi @mudsum

You're not being rude at all. I have no issues with yours or any one else's question.

When it comes to my mental health I had trouble being honest about my suicidal behaviour. I wanted help, but I also wanted to die. So I would say I'm OK or not feeling suicidal to either make them discharge me or leave me alone. A lot of my suicidal behaviour is tied into my diagnosis of borderline personality disorder. I had a lot of issues as well with needing to feel heard and validated, and if I didn't get that (which happened a lot!), it would spiral me down to deeper feelings of suicide. I was pretty hopeless at taking my life and I hated waking up feeling like 💩 or worse waking up in hospital with tubes coming out of everywhere and being restrained at the wrists. So I wanted to be more honest to say when I was suicidal but I needed my professional support system to work with me to keep me safe at home (and out of hospital). It took quite some time to trust people to be honest with them as well and I still relapsed into self harm & suicidal behaviours. But the intervals were increasing. And earlier this year a lot of the big stressors (financial mostly) were removed when I moved into state housing & my DSP appeal was approved).

I use a lot of DBT strategies like surfing the urge and I also put other protective strategies in place so I can't self harm or attempt suicide because I'm obliged to meet someone or I have an appointment where if I didn't turn up I would be missed. It's been really, really hard work on my behalf as I still have suicidal ideation frequently day and night. Having a recent diagnosis of cancer then major surgery hasn't helped either. But I'm trying to keep going.

Sorry this post is a bit rambling and long, but I hope it answers your questions.
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Re: The Challenges of Mental Health Wellbeing

@Sans911you have come so far in a short amount of time. You should be proud of yourself.

Your courage to write such a raw post is encouraging Heart

Re: The Challenges of Mental Health Wellbeing

I so very much agree with @Snowie here @Sans911 You have come so far and accomplished so much. You have taken massive steps to keep yourself safe, fill your days with worthwhile things, helped other people along the way and done your study even through your ongoing MH issues as well as the physical ones. You are an inspiration in all that you do and all that you fight your way through Hon. It is not just the way you fight but the real and raw sharing you have done here along the way (as @Snowie has said) - your journey has not been at all an easy one but with everything you have fought your way through you have become stronger and that strength has helped others here as well. It is an absolute pleasure to have been along part of this journey with you and an even bigger pleasure to know you. Heart

Re: The Challenges of Mental Health Wellbeing

Had to edit & repost.

 

Thanks hun @Snowie. That's really nice of you to say. And I am proud of how far I've come. I got a notification on my memories feed on fb this morning that it's four years since I came home. Four years since my breakdown. Leaves me with a mix of emotions. So it's actually been a long journey since then. And I don't talk so much here anymore about my suicidal ideation, which although decreased in intensity, is still very regular. I had a very, very bad low in hospital where I really wanted to do some significant harm or worse to myself. And there are days and nights when I wrestle with doing harm, fighting urges that threaten to derail me. But I rarely talk about that because I'm trying to focus on living each day with something good about it, no matter how small that is. Even if it's just a shower. My future looks very different now to how I wanted & imagined it would be and I'm trying to come to terms with that and be OK about it. I can't change my past either, but I can try to come to some level of acceptance about it. I will never stop longing for a different story without so much loss and sadness, but I'm also the unique person I am today because of that story.  I know that one day your days will be a little better Snowie. I can guarantee it. It's super hard to believe that where you are at. But you have more strength than you realise, you have compassion, empathy and love for others in boundless quantities. Don't forget to give some of that to yourself because you damn deserve it for the hell you've been and are going through. One day you will tell a similar, yet unique story of how you fought your way out of the darkness. Much love and hugs ❤️ 💜 💙 💜 💙

Re: The Challenges of Mental Health Wellbeing

Thanks @Zoe7 - your story is also remarkable, encouraging and inspiring. I came to these forums when you were possibly at your lowest. You have moved forward from from that in many ways. It was your qualities and strengths that sparked a connection with you. I'm so glad to have you as a true friend in my life. 💕💕💕💕

Re: The Challenges of Mental Health Wellbeing

Mutual respect and admiration here @Sans911 We have both come so far and part of that has been your support - so never underestimate how much you have given to my life either or how much I value your friendship too. Love having you in my life - makes it just that little bit easier to get through each day Heart

Re: The Challenges of Mental Health Wellbeing

@Sans911
Thankyou for sharing!!! It is so. valuable to hear others talk of the same struggle I face. When I was on here the other night I was just searching for some hope- trying to ride the self harm wave. (Which hadn’t gone so well- but even when I had done some damage I still was aching for more) Everything you wrote felt so close to home. I relate to it being an everyday wave at the moment. Though just likes waves it does come and go. Feelings- urges they are like the weather ever changing.

Wow you have come so far! Thankyou for your bravery, courage and curiosity!!!!!
Thankyou for sharing.

When you say if you weren’t validated and understood. What do you mean by that?
And which professionals are you working with?

I have a great gp who is my backbone at the moment but he was swamped yesterday and doesn’t work Thursdays which means my wound will go unattended for quite some time now! That makes me anxious because part of my being honest is that I will show and tell everytime! But I hate the thoughts that run through my head telling me I’m a waste of space and time

Re: The Challenges of Mental Health Wellbeing

Thankyou for all you have shared

Re: The Challenges of Mental Health Wellbeing

Thanks for replying to my post @mudsum. And I'm glad you felt some resonance to it. When I talk about validation and understanding, it's mostly drs and nurses that let me down when I need them most. Or help lines. When I've reached out for help before to these professionals I often been stigmatised, discrimated against or been seen as attention seeking, especially if I have self harmed or attempted suicide. All I needed at these times were to be told 'I hear you', 'I believe you' or that I must be going through a really tough time. Instead I got statements such as 'you're wasting our time and resources', 'if you want to take your life, I'm not going to stop you walking out of hospital', 'what did you take to cause this pain' (in relation to a physical presentation). Or I have been told that there's nothing more that anyone can do for me. It's degrading, belittling and dehumanising. There is a severe lack of understanding from those in the profession of mental health of how to deal with people in crisis or self harm. I believe many of them cause more harm than good. It's certainly been my experience.Yes, I have a great GP too who is non judgemental and understanding. Sometimes she has been the only person I have been able to trust to keep me alive. And my relationship with my mental health nurse has also developed enough to be more honest with him. It's always a work in progress though because even when I want to reach out to those who can help me I fight with my feelings of worthiness and others being more important and needy than myself. Even now. I tend to tell after the fact, which isn't really helpful. I too feel I'm a waste of space and time.

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