17-11-2019 10:13 PM
Hi @CheerBear What a great thread. It's hard enough raising kids when you have mental health issues and even worse I imagine to do it on your own. You're a champion.I think I'd go mad or madder
I am struggling at the moment and wondered if you might face the same issues.
I always wanted a family and I love them. I didn't know I was mentally ill until just before my last child was born and I was having halluncinations. I ended up in hospital and I can't remember what happened. I took medication but I also drank and didn't perform at my best. as a mother. Now the guilt is killing me and I've given up drinking. I've been thinking about my middle son who is a twin. His brother is autistic. He is very gifted and i knew about it when he was a toddler. He got bullied at school. I let him down and now he dropped out of uni and is a dishwasher. He rarely hangs out with friends although he did this week and he plays computer games. I have tried to stop him but he gets angry and punches walls. He plays guitar and talks to us though and we have good times and a laugh though.He boxes at the local PCYC. He has a psychologist who is trying to help him. Maybe he'll get better. Anyway got any advice about helping him reach his potential. It seems a little late. Do you have any experience in this with your kids?
18-11-2019 08:12 AM
Feel guilty - no - I think you need not. You cared for your son alone for a long time and during the time I have known you - there was a lot of time for you in hospital and your son lived with your mother - that was okay then I think and now - he is 17 - nearly of legal age - and he can make that choice
My son was only 12 when he went into foster care - I couldn't manage him anymore and it was not just my decision - a lot of people were involved - I remember the first morning - standing in my kitchen feeling this incredible relief - and although those years were hard I didn't feel guilty - I stuck by him as much as I could which was a lot considering the circumstances
So now your house is tidy, quiet - no dishes left around - no wet towels - the floor is clear.
Feel guilty - no - I don't think that's necessary - I think I've been there and I'm with you
18-11-2019 08:27 AM
18-11-2019 08:28 AM
18-11-2019 08:39 AM
@CheerBear Thanks, Unicorn glitter that gave me a laugh.
18-11-2019 08:50 AM
Some of my five kids are gamers .... primarily the boys, but the girls are too. It worried me for a while how much time they spend on gaming, but it’s only one who is really struggling who is sort-of overdoing it, and I can clearly see that they are using it as a coping mechanism. The others have moderated their use, pretty much, and are achieving, some at “high potential” careers (they are all adult now).
I hope this helps.
The wall punching I would take to be frustration. My kids would have registered as oppositional-defiant, probably. If you look that up, as I did, it might help you, as it did for me, to see what these kids need to be able to manage their frustrations.
Generally it’s about control. They need to feel in control of their choices and their environment, so as much as you can enable their choices , I found anyway that it helped to reduce the baby-dragonfire behaviour and produce some calm communications.
Rather than trying to control their technology use, I would call “family meetings”, asking for us all to sit around a table for 20mins (with chips or ice cream) and have a chat about things. I would provide pamphlets and things that talked about boundaries on internet use, screen time, etc, and ask them what they thought about it, and did “we” need to put some structure into our household tech use.
Of course they didn’t want any restraints, but we ended up making deals about things, reaching general agreements, and having made those general agreements, they retained a sense of responsibility and control over their own choices.
Occasionally when things turned a bit problematic, I would ask casually whether we needed to revisit boundaries, but that was enough for them to revisit how they were conducting themselves for themselves.
Incidentally we have also talked about perfectionism and other things at a more adult level, and they are pretty good at recognising and managing their own pitfalls.
18-11-2019 08:51 AM
👋💕🌈 ..... @CheerBear
18-11-2019 08:59 AM
@Faith-and-Hope Thanks for that advice. I think having a family meeting is a good idea. It sounds like the Brady Bunch.
. My husband plays board games with them which is more social. My son doesn't really want to but ends up enjoying himself. Anyway I'll look up anger oppositional defiant and see what I can do to help him. He's a great kid.
18-11-2019 09:07 AM
We have family games nights too @Sweet_cheeks and the kids love them.
All the best with it.
18-11-2019 09:11 AM
Challenges - yes - although I didn't get fazed with the hard work that came with the babies their individual early life issues were totally unexpected. And I was unable to breast-feed - my son being adopted meant it was impossible but my daughter just refused the breast - and the bottle - and I was frantic - but she's okay now - she always has been the rose of my life
And guilt - totally useless and a huge problem - we feel that anyway but it's amazing how people can gather around and heap that on us
Let's dispose of guilt - easier said than done - but it is useless - we only need helpful emotions
All the best CheerBear
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