Lived Experience Forum

[Dimity]

The shredder arrived today. I've assembled it and shredded a batch of statements. It works well but I'm supposed to keep it well oiled. 

The mood/activity tracking app is prompting me to get things done rather than sitting doomscrolling. I've edited the lists of activities and timed the prompts to better reflect my needs and goals. It's quick to use, I just need to click on some icons and it's done. 

Tomorrow will be a day for reflection and taking stock of the past week and the week ahead, being Sunday. It's comforting to have that pause in the weekly routine. Hopefully I'll feel refreshed and able to move forward again. 

[HenryX]

Hi @Dimity 

Pleased to know that the shredder works well. What I find, for oiling, is to use a small paint brush, wiped against the side of the oil container (a lidded jar), so not dripping. Then wipe over the cutters before starting. That way it's not a case of random drops hitting random cutters, giving too much and too little oil at the same time. Nice even oil coverage. If you have the oil container reasonably close, it makes it easy to remember.

Hope the Sunday is restful, refreshing and relaxed Dimity.

I really was not aware of how far I had slipped until development of improved mood and just feeling brighter, more recently. The change, I believe, is a consequence of successful counselling with the person I've mentioned. She and I have established and continued to enjoy a good rapport and working relationship. I know that I have used that combination of words before but it seems to fit the situation so aptly. I feel as though the tension of pushing issues down has been lifted. And I am adjusting to a new perspective on the future before me. The counselling process has not been gruelling as some people have reported of their experiences. Consequently, I am feeling a significant sense of revitalisation. While I have a lot of work still to do, I am really feeling more and more able to face it.

With Best Wishes

@HenryX 

[Dimity]

Hello @HenryX 

Thanks for the tip re oiling the shredder blades,  I'll do that.

I'm glad you're finding counselling so helpful, and that it's having so many spin-offs for your well-being. My psychologist tends to deal in the here and now. I try to practice mindfulness and suppress hurtful intrusive memories and bad experiences. so she's probably just following my lead. It would be nice to deal with some long-standing issues and grief but it's unlikely to happen. I know it impacts my mood and energy, and my ability to form and sustain relationships. 

How are your repairs and rebuilding? Do you have a cyclone season to prepare for? The last cyclone may have seemed an anomaly but unfortunately there's no doubt the weather patterns are changing.  I'll need to clear my roof and guttering when the frangipani tree finishes flowering. 

Best wishes to you @HenryX. 

Dimity

[HenryX]

Hello @Dimity 

{~740 words}

Thank you for your greeting and acknowledgement re oiling of blades.

"

I believe that I have attended about 15 counselling appointments on a weekly, now two weekly basis. It hasn't necessarily been a quick and easy process. However, the counsellor did suggest at the beginning that I might need to be prepared to deal with some significant feelings, in both their strength as well as number. I am pleased that she gave me that warning because I was, in this way, prepared for that to occur, as it has.

"

We have discussed issues, or more specifically, my responses and reactions to issues, from as far back as when I was 5 yrs of age. That's 65 years ago, so my responses and reactions to those issues have been evident for that period of time. While my conciousness of those past issues hasn't disappeared, and likely never will, my own responses and reactions have, I believe, changed.

"

One of the things that I have endeavoured to do, in the past, is suppress and, or sublimate{a} my feelings and concerns about issues. Unfortunately, as has been recognised more recently, in psychological and psychoanalytic theory, that suppression and sublimation are subject to the same, or similar principles, in a manner analogous to engineering applications. There is an equal and opposite response or reaction. Consequently, what we often do is exert mental pressure in a way that produces an equal and opposite force. No wonder we reach stages in our lives where we "simply can't take anymore".

"

The way that I seem to have dealt with my present, real time situation, as distinct from what I have allowed my mind to think was going on, is to "vent the pressure from the cooker". This then tends to remove pressure from the system, the system being us. Once we release the pressure, the system comes to a "point of equilibrium", or balance, with regard to pressure, temperature, tension.....etc.

"

In order for this process to take effect, we have to, as my counsellor suggested, be prepared to "turn around" and face what we fear. The issues are really not what we need to confront and deal with, because many are 65 yrs old (as in my situation) and so far back that they no longer exist. It is our reactions and responses that we have held onto, and come to accept, as if they were a real and necessary part of our lives. They only exist because we think that they do.

It may be worth an internet search and consideration be given to "stuck points". I am in the process of writing a synopsis, on that subject, at the moment.

"

One of the situations that brought these considerations to a "crescendo", was/is with regard to my relationship with my oldest daughter. I have been so afraid of never having a significant relationship with her, that my fear was what got in the way of my acceptance of the existence and reality of that relationship. Once I let the fear go, the tension was released and I now enjoy the reality of the existence of that very positive and affirming relationship. And, if that relationship was not what I might have wished for, then I would also have had to accept that position.

"

In recognising and accepting our present life positions, we are allowing ourselves to consider the freedom of other positions in our lives. I still have other children with whom I would like to establish relationships. Now I feel much more free to consider the possibilities, but also to accept the outcomes. I am also more free now to consider other possibilities, in terms of relationships {not necessarily romantic, but neither excluding any possibilities} hobbies, projects etc. I have learned to consider options and possibilities, rather than simply begrudging the losses.

..........    "    ..........

"

{a} sublimate /ˈsʌblɪmeɪt/ verb: sublimate (in psychoanalytic theory) divert or modify (an instinctual impulse) into a culturally higher or socially more acceptable activity.

Points considered:

• "suppress hurtful intrusive memories and bad experiences"

• "It would be nice to deal with some long-standing issues and grief but it's unlikely to happen. I know it impacts my mood and energy, and my ability to form and sustain relationships.

A note that I sent to another member recently regarding mindfulness and tension:

• "I reckon that you can handle it. Just relax with whatever you like to drink and try not to shut all the activity out. The more resistance that you exert to opposing what is going on, the more tense you are likely to become.

• Mindfulness involves letting what you would normally fight and get anxious about, simply wash over and past you. You can retain your peace and let everything else flow over you."

"

With My Very Best Wishes

@HenryX 

Edit: Minor word edits for clarity 7.45 am Mon 25 Oct 21

[Dimity]

Hello @HenryX @Last-Lament and anyone else passing through

It's been a while since I posted here. I've been stuck in anxiety and depression and the last weeks of lockdown seemed endless. Today I broke through my anxiety and finished backing up the data on my Windows7 laptop. I also did another batch of shredding and organised a gift for a family event that I'm also experiencing a lot of anxiety about. So two fears faced.

Some of the local opshops are starting to reopen which will give me an outlet for some surplus. 

On the IT front I need to back up data from an even older laptop that I used before dropping out of a higher degree. It also happens to be the only PC with printer drivers for my multifunction printer. I don't know whether I can still print with it or not but have a set of print cartridges to try. I'll be exorcising more demons in tackling these next steps as so many painful memories are associated - illness, accidents,  family deaths, academic failure. 

The mood/activity tracker has been helpful in indicating just how low I've really been, and letting me set new habits for baseline daily activity. I can also set up goals and prompts. I wouldn't have achieved any of this without help and advice from the Forums.  I'm just so grateful for the support.

Tomorrow more rain is forecast so I won't be able to get into the garden. I hope to deal with more paperwork instead, and empty some boxes ready for books.

[HenryX]

Hello @Dimity , and @Last-Lament

@Dimity, I can relate to a lot of what you have described. In the last day or so I seem to have fallen into a heap. Attended the singing group this evening (Tuesday). That generally lifts my spirits, which it did. However, I spent too long preparing a meal and took medication late. So here I am at 2.40 am, on the forum.

I'm not a whiz on computers and printers, but have dealt with a few issues, so happy to offer assistance if desired.

For now, I'm doing a quick response to threads that I normally frequent. Having just yawned, I think that it is time for me to "hit the hay". Actually, while the hay was probably comfortable at some times, for some people, the prospect of subsequent itching is not so appealing, so I shall hit my regular bed.

Best Wishes

@HenryX 

[Dimity]

Hello @HenryX and anyone else following 

I'm re-emerging from a slowdown. I've weeded across the double frontage, managing half an hour to an hour at a time. Now I need to start on the back.

I've taken a bag of batteries for recycling and sent a bag of unwearable clothes to landfill. 

I've finished backing up one old laptop but still have another to deal with. 

I've replaced my microwave.

My gp reviewed my mental health plan so I'll continue seeing my psychologist,  who thinks I may have PTSD. I'm finding using Daylio for mood and activity tracking very helpful  I'm going to start journaling re daily goals and gratitude - I bought a 2022 diary with this in mind. I need to reclaim the mornings by having something to look forward to. I wish I could visualise my decluttered space.

I've updated my will, so at least that's done.

I guess I'll just keep muddling along. Books and papers aren't really difficult to deal with, just tedious. I'll pace myself,  like with the garden.

[HenryX]

Hello @Dimity 

Nice update. I like the way that you have described setting targets for your work.

Getting the will updated is something that I also need to do. Pleased to know that you have done that and backed up one of the laptops.

Thank you for the tag and refresh for my mental activity.

I have  purchased a season ticket to the pool and managed to get in 3 times in the last week. The exercise has felt beneficial.

Best Wishes for Now

@HenryX 

[Dimity]

Well done re the swimming @HenryX . I'm getting into a routine of daily walking or gardening. 

I updated my Will during lockdown ànd am glad it's done. It's in line with my late parents' spoken (as distinct from written) wishes . I'll support my own choice of charities during my lifetime. It's a compromise but resolves the pain of being told I was unworthy.  

[Former-Member]

@Dimity I'm definitely with you! I love a tidy house. What I do is focus on a couple of tasks each day, for example one day will be laundry and dishes, next day vacuum and mop, next day tidy up clutter and make sure dishes, clothes etc, are all packed away. That way by the end of each week I have a clean place with very little clutter. I hope this helps you!