I'm struggling big-time, and I feel guilty for doing so. So many have much more cause to be struggling than I do. I haven't lost my job, like so many others during this coronavirus crisis. I had no job to lose. Nor have I been significantly affected financially by the crisis. In fact being a part pensioner, with reduced deeming rates to come in soon, and the bonus of $750 to be received next month ... one could argue that I will be better off than I was, at least in the immediate sense. Although, like everyone else, my paltry superannuation is becoming more depleted by the day. When I am eventually eligible to access it (in another 6 years or so) I fear there will be nothing left to access. But I am not overly concerned about that right now. In the bigger scheme of things, I am hugely concerned about how this country can possibly pay for all this money we are handing out?
The social isolation is not a problem for me, it's something I would happily do under normal circumstances. Now I have the perfect excuse to do so and nobody will ask questions. My husband is finding it really difficult though. With him being over 70yo with chronic health conditions and immunity compromised, he is facing many restrictions. He is meant to be confined to the home from now on, for his own good.
So why am I finding all this so hard? I fear for the world, as we know it. I am greatly saddened by the deaths around the world and for the businesses going under. I fear for the families losing jobs. I fear for the DV that will surely happen now. I fear also for myself. I feel very vulnerable right now. Firstly the DV tragedy in QLD only last month, and now the Coronavirus problems. It just shows how terribly vulnerable we all are. And how fragile society itself can be.
So now I am cooped up with an unwell and irate husband ... tensions are high and arguments are becoming more frequent. He is drinking more and that's a danger. I'm trying hard not to resort to alcohol myself, because my psych lectured me about that last time I saw her. And that's another problem ... I have an appt with my psych in a couple of weeks, but it will be via telehealth. I am worried about that, because I will not have any privacy at home to speak openly to her about all that is happening.
I would love to go and visit my Dad, spend a few days away ... but I know I cannot ... both because I am not meant to be travelling unnecessarily, and also because visiting my Dad could expose him to an added risk of catching the virus. He is currently not well and is having numerous medical tests and scans last week and this.
My anxiety and OCD is getting the better of me ... depression has settled in, finding a permanent home. I'm becoming self destructive. And today I've stuffed up massively, and likely lost the only real support I've had over the past 3.5 years .. these forums. In the process I've inadvertently hurt someone here that I care a great deal for. So now they are likely suffering as much as I am. I cannot forgive myself for that, and now I have burned my bridges, so to speak. So now with that said ... I need to walk away. 💔😢
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