Lived Experience Forum

[Georgie]

I've been diagnosed with BPD and bipolar for the last 10 years and have difficulty coping with personal crisis. My younger sister (26) passed away unexpectedly in late October last year (found after several days by my other sister and brother).
Cause of death is yet to be determined (though it strongly appears to have been suicide) with no timeframe given by the coroner, police or her place of work as to when we can expect some answers or closure.
It's only been the last week or so that I've been able to function/get myself together enough to return to work. The last few months have been horrendous... Drinking heavily numbed me but I fell back into deep depression and have been isolating myself completely. Pushing people away and pretending that I'm coping. Financially I'm struggling.
Terrible thoughts go through my head constantly, my perception of reality gets skewed throughout the day (life feels like a movie. I see myself doing stupid things but I can't seem to control them). I hit a low point and ended up on the phone to lifeline to talk. With my BPD I have trouble maintaining interpersonal relationships so my family are the only ones I usually talk to about things/help me. I can't talk to them about what I'm going through as their all still grieving and burdening them is the last thing they need. I have deep guilt (and anger) as unanimously, if anyone were to go first it was predicted to have been me (prior attempts as a young adult). I know there are support services etc but I haven't found talking to a grief counsellor to be helpful. The moment I mention BPD I feel as though they don't engage with me constructively. Not sure what to do from this point onwards... Any suggestions are welcome.

[CherryBomb]

Hello @Georgie

The grief of losing someone can be overwhelming in itself, yet alone not having closure and thinking that it is possibly suicide. 

This can have profound impacts on your well-being. It can make it hard to know 'how' to grieve. And when we loose someone who has taken their life, it's hard to comprehand the pain they experienced, and the harm that they inflicted on themselves. Having guilt and anger and common responses when someone has taken their life. 

@Georgie, you have a lot of stuff going on right now - grief, no closure, financial pressure, and managing your BPD and bipolar. It's totally understandable that you feel like you've not been able to function for a few months. Give yourself the time you need to grieve. I have been told that grief doesn't have a specified time limit. 

Getting support can be challenging as your family may be experiencing their own grief and therefore unable to provide you with support. It can also be hard to chat to friends because suicide can be taboo, and then it can be hard to hang out friends and not be able to talk about things because of how you're feeling.  It can make the experience of grief very isolating. 

It's great that you contacted Lifeline. How did you find them? I understand that you haven't found grief counselling helpful. I wonder if it may be because you didn't gel well with the counsellor? Sometimes it can help trying elswhere. Here's a few options if you want to check out other services: The Suicide Callback Service provides 24/7 specialist support to people who have lost someone to suicide. There's also Jesuit who provide support after suicide, and there's also Compassionate Friends who provide bereavment support. 

You may find this thread helpful. In it @His_Sister talks about loosing her brother. @Simon011 provided some advice there. I wonder if he can offer some insights here? 

**hugs** if you accept them,

CherryBomb

[Reader]

maybe you could talk with your family, it may help them too, and you assume that they don't want to but it's OK to ask

[Terry]

Hi @Georgie, keep on calling Lifeline and praying on it is my advice, and explain to Llifeline that you don't need stigma from them, if necessary.  I have found Lifeline VERY helpful and I call them as needed, and sometimes a lot.  Best wishes and god bless.  nb. I don't tell Lifeline anything that could put me in the mental health system again.  If I am having the darkest of days I tell them that I don't want to answer any morbid questions and I don't want an ambulance, that I just want to talk, and thank you, and 'get it all out'.  And i keep ringing them, if necessary.  I treat them like 'maintenance' these days, and they are wonderful, overall.  God luck and god bless.