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missyj32
Casual Contributor

Complex PTSD & the implications of becoming a parent

My early childhood from birth to eight was chaotic.. was physically, emotionally, psychologically & sexual abused. I was exploited and neglected, I lived with my 3 younger siblings in my mother's cesspool string of housing trust homes that she only ever spent time in to sleep through endless days. I have some vivid memories, but largely those memories have long been unavailable to me. 

My brother and I went to live with our grandparents permanently when I turned eight, grounded community minded people steeped in the church and their family. It was modest, simple living & that's what weneeded - I think the memories I still have of my earlier life stand out from the dramatic contrast alone.

I had a lot of therapy in my teenage years, I acquired many life skills that were highly developed in comparison to my peers against the odds. Did well academically, was well liked and admired by those around me. Being hypervigilant in my formative years was a necessity for survival, but in turn became the source of one of my strongest characteristics - an uncanny ability to read others on amultifaceted and deep level, partnered with a sound understanding and compassionate approach towards any person at all. It never occurred to me I could be triggered into a place that compromised my abilities to fulfill my sense of purpose and fail in caring for others... until I became a mother myself.

My children are 4 & 6. I was doing well inbeing a strong and stable mother for them while their dad was FIFO & I had no family to support me in their care or to offer guidance. But I was very conscientious and read A LOT. Ironically, the only thing that really inhibited my ability to make a complete secureattachment with them was my terror at making a grave parenting mistake unwittingly as a result of my own early experiences with the mother role, so I could never let myself off guard and constantly monitored myself and my children with this poignant anxiety.

Their dad and my then best friend began an intimate relationship right under my nose inour home when the kids were 2&3. I had to discover it by hearing them myself. She then systematically exploited my triggers and a slander campaign alienating me from all thepeople around me within her influence, pushed me out of our home. She fed him lies and fuelled his anger and hurt to pit against me, to make sure I could not be a threat to her goals. That flared all PTSD and crippled my ability to feel safe or connect with anyone. Isolated myself and the children, who I tried to shield from my anguish byputting on a brave face that would slip with a contrasting surge of energy when I was stretched thin which confused and unsettled them. Detached and calm on the one part, then triggered trauma response on the other. My son has learned maladaptive behaviour based on what I modelled in those heavy times where I was terrified and very alone. I am now doing parallel parent child trauma therapy with him. And there never seems to be an end to the layers.

Realising the affect I had on my children at the peak of my PTSD rampaging, once it began to subside in intensity, cut right to the core of me - I punished and tormented myself with guilt and shame, which just made me worse for another big chunk. I don't know if I will ever stop the pain of acknowledging the damage it caused my children but I'm finally able to conscientiously diminish my reactions in the behaviour that escalates this horrible cycle of damage and detrimental guilt bombarding myself.

My children have taught me more than I could have hoped to learn without them, healed childhood wounds and made me address attachment disorder In The Only Way I Could Facilitate Healing Them. . Through being their mother. I love them with all that I am, and I will never stop trying my utmost to be the parent they need and deserve. I have to constantly remind myself that this is enough, no more can I possibly do.

Long story short ahem.. (sorry bout the heavy outpour ) is that you can believe yourself ready, get a handle on your PTSD symptoms and resolve some of the core issues of your childhood trauma enough to be assured in progressing to parenthood with someone you love and trust. But it is these hardwired internal processes that will come to the fore when parenting confronts you from the opposite side of your traumatised experience with it, and all you can do is prepare best you can . Build a strong social support network, have a good therapist relationship established. We CAN become great parents and raise healthy and balanced children.. though, like the other many aspects of life with PTSD, is tremendously challenging andextensive life long work. Xxx

9 REPLIES 9

Re: Complex PTSD & the implications of becoming a parent

wow, you are a strong and hugely selfaware woman. My children are 4 and 6 as well. I have had a very similar history with my family. Also a sole parent now after years of dv. I also struggle with PTSD and dont have the same strength as you. I love my kids more than anything in the world, but yes, i think as well my syptoms have affected them as well as the effects of the dv environment (they didnt witness what happened to me but they heard things and 'knew' i think). We are rebuilding, I'm working on getting better but it is so great to hear from people with similar histories, and I have so much compassion for you and your situation, reminds me i need to have some for myself and  because the burden of guilt and selfblame is exhausting and has no purpose in recovery.

thankyou for sharing

LJ

Re: Complex PTSD & the implications of becoming a parent

Ok I hear you @missyj32 

I can SO relate to all this. I think you have a huge amount of insight. Please be gentle with yourself. So sorry to hear about your ex-BF's betrayal. Been there in various ways myself. 

I'm pretty wrecked emothionally due to some stuff going on for me, so I won't write another long response.

You sound like me - walk over hot coals to give your kids what they need, beat yourself up when you get it wrong, so committed to helping them you will go through stuff you could never do for your own sake. You're a good mum.

Hope for healing does endure, things do improve over time...Heart

Kindest regards, 

Kristin

Re: Complex PTSD & the implications of becoming a parent

Thankyou @missyj32  for posting, So much of your story echoes mine. And you sound like an amazing strong and self aware person, i'm in awe. My kids are 4 and 6 as well. They are my whole life and keeping them safe has been my purpose i guess. I also feel so incredibly ashamed and guilty over everything that i do wrong, dont do perfectly. My psychologist talks about 'good enough' parenting most of the time being what kids need in a loving home. I try to remind myself that they are ok and I'm doing the best I can for them now. My lil guy has some behavioural issues which are probably due to early experiences which i also find the hardest to forgive myself for allowing him to be in that situation to experience that. but now is the only time i can control and do anything about.

LJ

Re: Complex PTSD & the implications of becoming a parent

We were so oblivious to the imminent disaster coming that would forever change our lives... the grenade exploded on Saturday night, when my four year old girl drops it as her she was exhausted from carrying it secretly for so long.
She has been unsettled for a couple months. I thought thus was due to her dad beginning fifo again and not seeing them for 3 months which caused my little boy to struggle emotionally and react with challenging behaviours which was demanding of much of my energy.
my little girl stayed with her godparents just down the road every Thursday night so I could have some mum and son time to work on our attachment. She loves them to pieces, especially her godfather Rob who has been like a father to me for 17 years, meeting just after my own father sexually abused me and being a rock of support ever since.
She had been complaining of ear pains. Two trips to the doctor last week with no medical explanation. Our doctor suggested her pains were somatic and the cause was emotional pain she might be struggling with. Told me to gently engage in conversation regularly to encourage her to share what was bothering her.
Saturday night she was crying in pain, and became hysterical. It wasn't her ear. She bravely admitted that her godfather had been abusing her for some time - and what was truthfully causing her physical pain was injury as a result of his abuse.
We are going through the medical and legal process now.
I don't know if I can live with this but I have to, my family needs me 😞

Re: Complex PTSD & the implications of becoming a parent

being school holidays, their dad and I had already arranged that they stay with him the first week & me the second. with what is happening, it was the perfect opportunity for me to pack up our house and move to the next town over closer to the school and kindy which we were intending on doing in a couple weeks anyway. Police had told us we weren't to stay at home for the time being as the godparents live in the same street. which was fine with us. I took them to their dad's yesterday. He seemed rational and said I needed to move close to their home so we could "get through this together as a family." I didn't want to personally but knew that if he really intended to uphold a functional Co parent relationship that the kids would benefit hugely. Inspected a couple houses near his place today, wanted to stop in and see kids on my way home to pack. He was reluctant but agreed. Then called back saying our little girl got upset when he told her I was coming, and I wasn't welcome anymore. Then I get a huge message telling me I am to blame, I failed as their parent and had now lost all my rights. He's not going to give them back :, (

Re: Complex PTSD & the implications of becoming a parent

I think you may need to speak with a lawyer for some advice. It's also possible that your ex is just blowing off steam and overreacting. He sounds like he needs some time to cool off. Don't take notice of his words the situation is not your fault. Have the police given you numbers for support lines you can ring because you need to be supported too. You have a lot going on, take one thing at a time and seek out as much info as you can and feel up to to get through all of this.
LJ

Re: Complex PTSD & the implications of becoming a parent

Hey @missyj32 

You must be feeling absolutely devastated. This behaviour on his part is totally not on. You have been behaving protectively - he has no right to deny you access. You have responded appropriately when you found out. It is any wonder your daughter is distraught, and both of you too. Blaming you and preventing your children from seeing you will only traumatise both of them, just what your daughter doesn't need. 

Start by applying for family (access) mediation immediately. You may well need legal advice and go to family court. Hopefully that will not be necessary and he will come to his senses in time.

One thing I would suggest at the moment though is to not change the routine or plans at all unless it is essential to do so (like the house move) - as this is something that the kids, and especially your daughter, will be likely to struggle with. A helpful maxim I learned when mine were little and we were going through lots of trauma was: there's no such thing as a "nice" surprise. I still have to remind myself with my 6yo as she cannot handle them at all. I have to explain everything to her in advance or we get massive melt downs when anything unexpected happens.

Just to be really clear: this is not your fault. If this man didn't abuse you (or he did and you don't remember) then how could you know? What you have said about your response says that you have done all you can to get the right help and to listen to your daughter. It was you who made the emotional space available by listening so she could make her disclosure in safety and trust. What her dad has done will possibly prevent her from speaking about it in future because at the moment it has cost her access to you. In this the police might even potentially be your allies, in that they will want her to be willing to give evidence (with a view to prosecution). If she is further traumatised by being separated from you she may not co-operate.

Please taske care of you through this. I will hold you in my thoughts and prayers.

Hope for positive relationships with our children endures...

Kindest regards, 

Kristin

Re: Complex PTSD & the implications of becoming a parent

@missyj32 I hear you i have had a crazy journey too but all the twists and turns have made the family unit closer. I still have one who has needed ogoing help but i always feel the future will be brighter, one day. Much love.

Re: Complex PTSD & the implications of becoming a parent

Oh @missyj32  yep my sweet have experienced that kind of betrayal too.  It happenned to my youngest with my childs father, my uncle and to lesser degree another family friend from 4yrs to 9 yrs at different times. I felt like a fool and guilty for many years but my child said to me, they did it and you couldnt have known cause i didnt tell you.

This broke my heart and although i havent completely dumped the guilt, i try to put my energy into my childs ongoing support. The past is the past and following the court stuff we focused on my child and uniting as a family. Love cant cure it all but hate and guilt just destroy in the end.  We still have a way to go but our family unit has survived and gets stronger.  The kids both asked me if they could take on my last name recently and that made me realise how united we had become. My eldest told his dad to just get it done and we did. In their teen years they are 2 of the best people i know and constantly teach me about perserverance rather than resilience.

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