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31-08-2016 12:38 PM
31-08-2016 12:38 PM
Complex Trauma, Injury, Pain and Depression
Hi there,
So this is my first post here, and I'm not really sure where to begin, but thought this may be the spot.
From 2012-2016 4 years I was an employee of an organisation, with a huge reputation for mateship, comradery and all of that jazz....
Unfortunately for me, that was not my experience at all.
To be honest what I experienced was the complete opposite, after about 6 months in, my peers and superiors had regressed into a maturity level of that of high schoolers. I had been injured while in the work place and this meant I was unable to participate in a lot of work activities. This opened me up to bullying, psychological abuse and harassment like I had never experienced before. At first I blew it off as just some friendly banter, but then it became a constant thing, no matter what I did to prove to them I was doing my utmost to get better.
I became reclusive, non socialable (although I had been shunned by peers anyway, so this is just a result of that). I began to feel the effects of the constant bombardment of psychological bullying. I felt like I had no friends (I didnt) I had no one I could talk to, I was alone. I began to cry myself to sleep, first a day a week, and by September just before my 18th birthday, it had become every night.
This continued for a long time, if anything I felt as if it got worse. I felt more alone each week that went on. I overheard people talking about me behind my back, people would intentionally invite others around me to social events in front of my face. It felt horrible.
After 12 months of intensive rehab, being called a liar, everyone saying I was faking my injuries, treated like an outcast, i thought having two surgeries, on my so called fake injuries would prove to people that something was wrong. But it didn't.
In the end a series of unfortunate events lead to more injuries and more surgeries, yet I still gave my 100% to getting better. Yet the bullying, the psychological abuse continued.
During my 4 years I remember distinctly 6 different occasions where I had prepared to take myself, but could never bring myself to it.
4 years of this, I am now out of this organisation, with extreme chronic pain, depression, extreme anxiety and what every Dr I have seen has classified as PTSD or Complex-PTSD.
I cannot go out anymore in public places or crowded places without my partner, I hide myself away with more than 2 unknown people in the room and even more 5 people who I know. I breakdown almost everyday now, with nothing to have caused it. I avoid my old place of work, I avoid reminders of it.
I have nightmares nearly every night, some nights I'm afraid to sleep, or simply can't.
I'm on a cocktail of antidepressants and pain meds, but the still don't help me. I feel Miserable every single day. I get shaky simply talking about this. Even now typing this on my phone is hard, my fingers are shaking so much it is taking three times as long to type this as it should.
I don't know what else to say really.
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31-08-2016 08:19 PM
31-08-2016 08:19 PM
Re: Complex Trauma, Injury, Pain and Depression
Hello @Hulk, it takes a lot of courage to share a story like this so I just wanted to acknowledge that first off. You've been through a great deal and from people who should have known better. I've also worked for organisations where the culture serves to worsen already difficult situations. If you had been supported in your recovery from the physical injury you'd be in a very different situation today. I'm glad to hear that you're out of the organisation.
Can I also say, that as a Psychologist who treated people with trauma, anxiety and depression - it can get better than this. What's happening is a very understandable reaction to what you experienced. Your mind has yet to fully accept and properly process these awful events (hence the PTSD), the anxiety is actually your mind and body trying to keep you safe and the depression reflects this stage of transition.
Where you are now is simply that - where you are NOW. It's not where you'll be in a month or a year. Not if you keep putting one foot in front of the other in pursuit of recovery. They don't deserve to have impacted on you this way. But you get to determine your final outcome. The challenge of recovery is huge but always worthwhile.
I hope you find a place in this online community Hulk. There are lots of people here who really do understand. Have a wander around and don't be afraid to jump into a thread and say hi. Everyone is friendly and wants to help. I'm glad you found us.
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31-08-2016 09:16 PM
31-08-2016 09:16 PM
Re: Complex Trauma, Injury, Pain and Depression
It is extra difficult to deal with physical injury when nobody else believes or cares. At least it has given you some maturity. It was sad to read your post, because I believe you.
Despite the pretence of a good workplace culture grown ups can be incredibly selfish and immature especially in packs and groups.
I hope you get some ideas and support here. you certainly deserve a good start in life.
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31-08-2016 10:49 PM
31-08-2016 10:49 PM
Re: Complex Trauma, Injury, Pain and Depression
@Appleblossom
It's nice to know that you believe me, it's another tick I can add to a small group of those that do.
Dealing with my physical injuries was hard, and you know it still is, its an on-going battle, I'm nearing 11 months soon since my last surgery, and 11 months since I haven't had a day without pain. The other day speaking to my Dr, she said pretty upfront that, the pain may never go away, and it might be something I will live with for a long time; which is hard, because the pain is a constant reminder of what happened, it brings back painful memories and flashbacks, that even writing about them make me teary. It's sad to know that others will go through this organsiation too, and may end up in a situation like I was, and statistically speaking it will not turn out so well for them, and for that I feel extremely bad, to know that it still goes on. I tried to speak up about it to those who would listen to me; a couple of my superiors took what I had to say seriously, and something was attempted to fix the issue, but it immediately became a joke afterwards, which hurt me quite badly. For most of the years I was there I managed to put on a facade that fooled everyone else, except myself, I hurt badly. I felt like I was on a nifes edge, the slightest push toppled me into a very dark place, one side full sadness and crying, the other side feeling completely worthless, and suicidal, occasionally those two sides became one dark place which I don't really remember too well. Before I left I was given the opportunity to speak to 2 of my more higher up superiors; and I chose not to lie like I had for the past four years, I was frank, I was to the point, I cried and I got angry. One of them took the time to listen and follow up with me later on, and seemed as if she was quite prepared to tackle the issue. The other seemed to dump the blame back in mine, and the others in my situation's lap. I remember him asking me "well don't you think that some of them are faking it." To which I was mortified. But that place is behind me I tried my best before leaving to save the future "me's", and it’s all I could do.
@suzanne Thank you for your kind words. I feel like as if I am still in that upwards spike, where things are still getting worse, it hard to see the greener pastures, I know some people have made it there, but I also know that others haven't and others have decided to quit trying to get there, and this prospect frightens me a lot.
I used to be relatively active, and even before my last surgery 11 months ago, I was at my peak, I was riding my bike 3-5 times a week and doing 40km each time, always trying to beat my previous time. And then I broke again one final time, leading to that last surgery, this just seemed to turn everything on its head, my depression came back like a tidal wave, my anxiety and my nightmares became a part of me. I didn't know what to do, it took me a few months to see my Dr. and give it to her straight, I filled in one of those questionnaires and she was very quick to put me on anti-depressants, and send an urgent referral off to a psychiatrist.
I see my psychiatrist now, about once a month, but sometimes more often, especially during my bad months, to see how I am going and what can be changed up medicine wise. My anxiety seems to be getting worse with my panic attacks beggining to get worse, my breakdowns are also much harder to manage and find that I can no longer control most of them, and cannot calm down. I have only just begun to see a psychologist, and have had one session so far, my only issue at this stage is whther or not I am ready to see her more frequently, and I'm not sure if I am. Reliving those past experiences for me is the hardest thing to do.
My memory is completely over the place nowadays, I cannot remember the simplest things, where I leave things a minute after I've put them there, I lose track of conversations while I'm the one talking, and its becomeing very very stressful for me to just live.
My pain in the last two months has gotten extremely bad too, to the point which, I'm not glad to say has caused me to use my pain medication IV in order to stop the pain quicker and pull my head out of a horrible cycle of death and dispair. This is not a frequent occurence, and nor do I do it lightly, or for the sake of a high or anything. My partner knows, and monitors me, and in some cases when I cannot do it, she helps. This is not something I want to continue to do, but at this stage its the only thing stopping me from dissapearing altogether.
Anyway I'm trying to be as open and honest as I can to try and get some of this off my chest, as its easier to share through a keyboard than it is to read aloud. Sorry for any mistakes or repeats, I just can't bare to re-read what I've wrote.
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03-09-2016 11:50 PM
03-09-2016 11:50 PM
Re: Complex Trauma, Injury, Pain and Depression
I am not sure what your physical injuries actually are. @Hulk but be careful of pain killers .. they can be a slippery slope ... and become useless when your system acclimatises to them
My pain story is different .. but I had the issue of dealing with it and facing lack of belief and ridicule.
My pain became chronic and continual and still at a high level in my late 20s.
I tried a few things but I eventually made the decision NOT to use meds to manage it ..but rest, heat, physio and movement therapies... very much rehab based.
I now do not ride a bike as I know the risk of further injury .. is high and therefore it is stupid for me .. I was a cyclist and rode from Balaclava to Carlton for a long time. Now I fall over my feet a bit ...
I refine more and more the things I can and cannot do ... no point pushing yourself into bad situation.
I do not believe that there is no gain without pain in exercise ... that only applies to lactic acid pain ..
I also use music as my main pain management tool ...
THERE IS STILL A LOT I CAN DO. Work with your abilities and find ways around the disabilities.
take care
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04-09-2016 01:14 AM
04-09-2016 01:14 AM
Re: Complex Trauma, Injury, Pain and Depression
I'm not proud of the drugs issue and I know it's a slippery slope. I made a checklist that I have to complete before I go to that final stage, I also check it off with my partner or tell her/get her help, so someone is aware of this use, as I know how dangerous it is. So it's not something I've taken lightly.
I have tried varying non drug treatments for my pain but they do not seem to work, I will go back and try these again. But as it stands the only way I get relief is through pain meds, these are being managed right now, and I don't fear as if I'm going to use the drugs non therapeutically. And I've asked my partner to keep an eye on me too, because I know the person doesn't always realise it until after.
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04-09-2016 11:07 AM
04-09-2016 11:07 AM
Re: Complex Trauma, Injury, Pain and Depression
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04-09-2016 11:23 AM
04-09-2016 11:23 AM
Re: Complex Trauma, Injury, Pain and Depression
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04-09-2016 04:17 PM
04-09-2016 04:17 PM
Re: Complex Trauma, Injury, Pain and Depression
I feel as if I'm heading downhill right now, my mood has dropped considerably over the last few weeks, and there's no sign of it coming back up. I can barely sleep most nights, it takes me hours to get to bed, and I often stay up and watch TV and end up falling asleep there. I don't work anymore and I find I have less and less will to get up in the morning. I usually end up in bed until after midday.
Its getting very very hard to find much will to do anything really. I can't find much enjoyment in anything, I try to do things and within 5 minutes I know I've got to stop.
A couple of times I'll admit I've used my drugs to escape, and it will probably happen again more than likely. The feeling of oxy while laying down is incredible, I feel free from my body, free from pain,free from life. It's the most I've felt in over 2 or 3 years, it's like I'm going through the motions of life without actually living it, it just happens....
I'm sick of the pain, I know that if I left I would hurt some people, but I've been hurt by so many others while Ive always tried to help others. I'm a doormat, and I've been trodden on too many times, is it my turn to do something for me for once?
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04-09-2016 05:34 PM
04-09-2016 05:34 PM
Re: Complex Trauma, Injury, Pain and Depression
Oh dear, I know that feeling of the downward spiral and knowing exactly the depths you're heading too and not being able to do anything about it.
I was the same as you, up late, staying in bed just miserable. Eating poorly and feeling generally like a box of concrete. And drinking too much.
But I changed my pattern, my routine and I improved. And those spirals became less deep and lest frequent. This worked for
Me. Sleep is imperative to general wellbeing. I started being in bed by 9pm. I saw a dietician (for free trough my local hospital) and I started exercising. I cannot tell you how much this improved my mood and situation. Due to my back, there isn't a lot I can do. So I got an exercise bike and I do that at home half an hour a day. My health improved significantly.
Sometimes when I get into this, I feel like I get too preachy. But routine is key. I found the benefits outstanding. And even on those days when you feel like not doing a thing, I would write a list and just get through that day. My list might be. Wake up by 8am. Eat. Exercise and shower. If that's all I did all day. But in saying that, never put press eye on yourself, always use the word "prefer"..., such as Today I would prefer to do the washing and have a shower. The word MUST is evil, because if you use MUST then you feel like a failure if you don't get everything done, which puts expectation on you... You cannot always complete which you'd prefer.
Is it time you did something for yourself? ABSOLUTELY, you are the most important person in your life, you are enough, and you were not put on this earth destined to take yourself from it. Even if it's a new hair cut? Starting exercise, a new eating or sleeping regime. I'm not sure what your injuries are and whether physical activity is possible for you but I personally really recommend it. The release of endorphins and dopamine is scientifically to improve mood. It's my saviour. But what works for one, does not always work for another. But whatever it is, it's definitely time for some self love and be selfish and unapologetic for that.