Lived Experience Forum

[BG82]

Hi I am on here mostly because I find regular social platforms unbearable right now. I am not doing very well mentally and I fight thoughts of suicide every day. I am not good at feeling good about myself. I am not good at feeling good about others! I just feel like this dark bile builds up in me from all the nasty stuff people say and do then it just spews out of me in very non productive ways. I can't make friends really because I can't deal with that fake social presence everyone puts on. I can't do that I am who I am. I have ADHD and PTSD the anxiety I deal with from this is enormous! ADHD makes it worse and I went undiagnosed for a long time so I spent most of my life from a very small child being told I am lazy and should be doing better. After that though I am expected to turn out a good person. That type of thing doesn't turn out good people it creates monsters and I feel like I am the monster all the negativity poured into me created. You can't constantly beat someone down and expect anything else. I am very lonely and just want to be somewhere where I don't have to be anything but me. 

[Appleblossom]

I hear your inner child calling out to the world @BG82  It makes sense to me that you want to be yourself and not a bundle of other people's expectations.  Finding our way is difficult at the best of times and you had a difficult beginning.

Finding people we resonate with that can also bring out the best in us, can take a life time, but is worth it.

Negativity can be a big issue but there are ways of working through it, that respect your genuine experiences.

Take Care

[BG82]

I just feel like I need people like me to connect to that feel things as intensely as I do and love as hard as I do. I am completely socially isolated and I feel myself just losing the last parts of my mind I have held onto. 

[JJJ1]

I get it. I was only diagnosed a year a go (26) and it all makes sense. Although I wasn’t given any support just medication. I still have some psychiatrists saying that I don’t have ADHD and saying that girls dont get adhd or add, that symptoms go away after childhood ect. It upsets me because although I feel like I do have it and i now understand so much about how my brain works, theres a part of me that is in denial/unsure what to believe. I feel like I’m going down hill and I don’t have any friends or support (recently moved towns) and I feel isolated. I constantly feel like a failure. I think ADHD causes a lot of self esteem issues, doubt and fear of failure which leads to depression/anxiety which makes it hard to diagnose. Sometimes I get angry thinking about how different my life would be if I was diagnosed as a child. 

[BG82]

Adhd actually presents differently in females that's why doctors miss it its not that we don't get it but our symptoms are different and I have to change psychiatrists because mine has retired and if they attempt the you don't have it thing I will suggest they update their training to how adhd presents in females. 

[Flytrap]

I'm new here and my recent post is similar to what you've described.

People expected us to just bounce back like that after years of negativity being force fed to us.

A decade or more of such poor treatment is not something one person (ADHD or no) can just easily shrug off.

I take pride in surviving this far and revel in the fact that I don't need people to approve every single thing I say or do. But I do take criticisms time to time because we are always looking to be the best version of ourselves. I always assume there is goodness in the criticisms to make the process easier - do they really want me to be better or are they being rude for no apparent reason? Acknowledging the feeling of resentment and then see if I can get rid of this nasty feeling step by step. 

Reliance on people's approval helps with awareness sometimes but too much will see yourself getting walked all over and getting hurt. I've heard cliche sayings from actors in movies about if they have to be their true selves they would have no friends at all. I don't know how true this is for you but it applies to the world I know. Allow yourself for some "Me Time" but also make yourself get back out there to check on how's things. I play the social game of mingling as well and treated it as a game. I find it distasteful at times but I noticed an increase in my ability to handle interactions with people who mean us harm. I learned to deflect verbal abuse with sarcasm and wit from all that mingling and it feels great walking out like a champ after delivering an awesome punchline that ended the confrontation and making the abuser feeling bad in the process. 

I've also made a vow to never lower myself to our abusers' standards. Not after what I've gone through. The cycle has to stop. Might as well start with me. And with you too!

I admit the road is long and lonely but I keep telling myself that there is a chance something good will happen. If it isn't today or tomorrow or the years to come, that curiosity always keeps me going. I get impatient sometimes and wanted to end the wait right there and then but there's this pesky little imaginary bug buzzing all the "what ifs" in my head. 

What if I end it too soon? Will I not experience that feeling of extreme happiness if I end the wait now?

What's that surprise waiting for me? An unclaimed $50 note on the pavement? Is a new movie/game/book/pizza recipe being released anytime soon? (Domino's got me with the chocolate marshmellows pizza once... was completely mindblown when I ate a slice.) Should I watch some movie/video game spoilers? Or do I wait for it to be released and see if it passes my expectations? What if I pick up a sport or a new craft? What if Dumbledore shaves off his beard?

You'll be pleasantly surprised some day. You owe it to yourself for that opportunity. All it takes is that curiosity. The "what ifs". What if you manage to pull through in this losing battle this time around? Will there be cake? Will a true friend show up? Will an adorable puppy/kitten cross your path as you walk home?

Who knows? You're going to have to pull through every single day to find out. Weary of waiting? Maybe. But the promise of a better tomorrow keeps the fire going.

Onwards and always ,

Flytrap