Friends, Family & Carers Forum

[j92]

Hi all,

I was with my girlfriend for almost 4 months, she was very possessive and insecure, she got jealous if my female friends comment or liked my post. We got into arguments many times because of this, I tried to reason with her those likes or comments doesn't mean anything, but she can't accept it either. The reason that she's behaving like this it's because her exes cheated on her, that's why she never really trusted me, although I've never did anything unfaitful to her.

Most of the time I gave in, removed those friends from my social media. I know it shouldn't be the way, but I just want to keep her around and slowly change her mindset, I really believe if i'm patience enough, one day she will learn to trust again. But sometimes I got upset, so I  said something that hurt her feelings. I told her she never put in effort into this relationship, and it's only me trying hard to maintain this relationship, which is not true, and i really regret i said that to her. Deep down I know she has been trying really hard to control her jealousy issues, and I saw improvements.

Two weeks earlier, she decided this relationship is way too much for her to take, as she worried about I will leave her one day for somebody else. She also mentioned that she knew she was wrong, and being unreasonable for asking me to cut ties with my friends because of her insecurities, and she felt like she was mentally abusing me, constanly checking on me, where i am, who do i hang out with, accused me of cheating, checked my phone etc...It's better for both of us to break up now before we end up hating each other. At that moment, I felt like that was the right thing to do, and I felt she was really stressing out, and i agreed, so we broke up peacefully, although we still love each other deeply.

Two days after the broke up, I regret it, and felt like that was her depression that lead her into that decision, so I contacted her, told her that I'm not giving up on her, and asked her to give this relationship another shot, and she told me to give her some time to consider. Two days later, she text me back and said she's not going to chage her mind. She said she don't see a future in this and we're just going to repeat things over and over again. She said she is so emotionally damaged and she don't even know how to be around anyone properly anymore. She can't heal when she has to take note of my feelings as well. I knew i couldn't change her mind at that moment, so after this, i stopped contacting her for a week.

After this conversation, I realised she slowly removed me from her social media, and her explaination was if I don't see her anymore, it will be easier for me to get over her and move on. And she became very cold towards me and said she thought she needed me, but then she realised actually she don't, and she's better on her own. She asked me to stop contacting her anymore and she will never change her mind. But I realised she has created fake accounts to stalk my social media accounts, and I could tell she's hurting from this break up as much as i am. She's not seeking for professional help either, she used to, few years back, but she eventually stopped the medications because she felt like she was getting better, until we started dating, her depression came back.

I just want to let her know that I still cares about her and I'll always be there for her, but I feel like any forms of contact will just push her away further. How long should I wait before i contact her again? Especially when she's so insecure, I worried that if i wait for too long, she'd think I had given up on her, like anyone else in her life. I don't want her to fight this alone, yet I understands that all she needs right now is some space.

[Mazarita]

Hi @j92, it may not be what you want to hear. But I'd say that you have to stay away from this person. She has made it very clear that she no longer wishes to have contact, for whatever reason. We can't second guess other peoples' motives and it may or not be related to her unwellness. It may just be that she has made a clear decision about the relationship. I would say be careful of thinking you know what is best for her. Otherwise it could be seen as stalking. Really sorry you have lost a relationship that was of such value to you. Now is the time to think of you, not her, and to look after yourself emotionally after a breakup. Four months is not a long relationship though, although I know it can feel that way. Wishing you the very best in finding a new partner in time.

[Former-Member]

just read this. You have done the right thing, you seem to think of her needs and mental state. It does sound though that it's becoming a bit unhealthy. You do need to look after you & vice versa. All the best

[Lunar]

Hello @j92

Nice to meet you, a very warm welcome to the forums 🙂

It sounds like such a tricky situation you are in with your ex girlfriend, it does seem like she wants space and you do have to respect that even though you know that she is pushing you away and needs support for her mental health too as that dynamic was not healthy to sustain a relationship, that is not your responsibility however, she should be really seeking support for that from a counsellor or psychologist.

All you can do is let her know you respect her to have that space, you are there for her if she does need your support or friendship and look after yourself and seek support for you to cope with such a difficult break up. Do you have some supports of your own? It is good you are reaching out on the forum for this too.

Lunar