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Mizou
Casual Contributor

Fear confusion and life

I just wanted to write about my experiences throughout my time dealing with mental illness and every time I stop all I can think of is the fear I've experienced and the way its changed me as a person.
I'm not going to lie, everything terrifies me these days from myself, to being with others, relationships, friendships, life itself. The thing that scares me the most tho is that I don't fear death. I'm so cynical these days and am almost reclusive even tho I have amazing people around me, the best friends a person could wish for really, not once have they judged me, nor do they hold what's wrong with me against me. I just don't know how to let go and live again.
Does anyone else feel this way? How do you cope? I'm trying so hard to hide what's happening from my mum to save her the worry but I'm exhausted
4 REPLIES 4

Re: Fear confusion and life

Such a brave honest post. @Mizou The flip side of fear is courage.  Yes I have similar feelings.

Re: Fear confusion and life

Hi @Mizou

Thanks so much for sharing some of your story - it is very brave of you to be so open with the community.

While you said you don't fear death, it sounds like there is another part of you that is very concerned by this, and you're trying to find a way to cope with these feelings. Noticing this ambivalence demonstrates great strength and insight into your own internal experience, and that can be really helpful in figuring out how best to look after yourself, and pave your way towards recovery.

I imagine there are other members on here who have felt something similar, perhaps some of them will be able to share their experiences and coping strategies with you. 

It is also lovely to hear that you have best friends around you who do not judge you, and accept you for who you are. That is another great resource to draw upon when you are feeling vulnerable. I am wondering, have you ever spoken to them about this particular struggle?

I'm curious, what would "letting go and living again" look like for you?

Re: Fear confusion and life

Thanks so much @Appleblossom @Mosaic

I am truly blessed to have such friends in my life however I tend to keep the details of what's going on internally to myself, there are a couple who see through it and for that I'm grateful but I've always been so ashamed that I've never really asked them. One friend who is more a brother has been so supportive although he doesn't fully understand what's happening he just wants for me to find my happiness within.

And as for what letting go and living again looks like for myself, I'd like to think that its the ability to go through life knowing who I really am I guess. I'm not sure, the cynicism really comes out when I look to myself as I find it easier to think of other people.

Thank you so much for your help and for accepting me in to the forum, to know there are other people out there with similar experiences makes it all so much easier, thank you

Re: Fear confusion and life

It is good that you have some good friends.

I think many people have these feelings and are trying to manage them .. often socially in various causes, groups, sports or entertainments.  A lot of it becomes if there is time or it is appropriate to let others glimpse behind the masks. 

I am less upset about the masks that people wear ... most people are struggling in one way or another.  The forum is good in that it allows us to be direct about it.

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