15-03-2019 09:42 PM
I am thrilled and awed by the possibility of becoming a grandmother. There are many positives but also challenges even obstacles ahead. I do not want to make the mistake and be too trusting and optimistic and taken for a ride, or for my son to be taken for a ride.
@Razzle This is the thread I meant. I can relate to mother of the mother being very controlling and a concern.
I hope you and your son are travelling alright.
The world really does need good men and children need their fathers, as well as mothers.
15-03-2019 10:17 PM
@Appleblossom This is a great idea for a thread. I do personally know of some men that have little to no contact with their kids because the mothers use the kids as weapons - which I do fear will happen with my son.
I would love to hear from other people how to handle these situations.
My first grandchild is due in less than a month, and I am dreading the arrival more than I feel any kind of excitement. I just feel like it’s all going to end so badly for my son. I wish I could feel something to connect to the baby, but it’s just not there
I’ve discussed this with my councillor, and he believes that because I have disconnected from my emotions since I was very young, that now that I am aware that I could be in for some pain and heart ache I am getting in early and disconnecting before I get hurt. Something I need to stop doing, I have to let the emotions come through, but
its so hard.
I do hope your situation is far better than mine @Appleblossom , these are events that we should be revelling in. ❤️❤️
16-03-2019 07:18 AM
@Appleblossom @Razzle hearing you. I'm now grandmother to 2 and life for the parents is still seriously challenging (and challenges me). And my relationship with the parents has been a real roller coaster where I became emotionally distant due to the fear of being hurt, rejected etc. So kind of a catch 22. But I found that the actual arrival of a new baby can change so much in the blink of an eye. It's like what really matters - love - can override difficulties. Hoping that you get to experience some of the positives in the midst of the challenges.
16-03-2019 12:12 PM
For me, when i became a first time grandmother - it was the best thing ever!!! My life changed forever. The love i have for my granddaughter is so beautiful. i can hug her and feel the love, i also feel the peace and contentment in myself while i am with her.
And i will always share my love for her and do lots of things with her becasue my mother did nothing with my children. she never spent one on one time with her grandchildren.
@Razzle i really hope that when your grandchild arrives that he/she has a beautiful effect on you. I really do wish that for you.
16-03-2019 10:13 PM
I am cautious about it, but finding every now & then I am treasuring the thought. We know how difficult it is to parent, but I am settling into a more "in it for life" and a long terms attitude. I know there will be problems, but like eth and BB said,
Today I had a conversation about the topic of men and parenting. I suggested to my friend to call Legal Aid and that I believe that children are "entitled" to a relationship with both parents regardless of any moneys or maintenance etc. Fearing the worst can be understandable, but I hope there is something beautiful for you in the experience.
Have you thought about what you would like to be called... a grandma??
16-03-2019 10:54 PM
@Appleblossom My son is only 19, his partner is only 18. They are very young and are going to need a LOT of help. We’ve offered to help pay rent and expenses to help get them into a place of their own. They need to be in a place on their own and not be overshadowed by her family. The longer they are in her house the more chance that their relationship won’t survive and the longer we are squeezed out of the picture. We have never been made to feel welcome at the mothers home. We live around 400kms away, and I don’t think I could cope with travelling all that way to just catch up in a food court at a shopping centre.
I feel like there will be too much pressure on my son under her roof, and if something goes wrong and he’s turfed out, he will have nowhere to go. (that is close to his child). We have bent over backwards, and we walk on egg shells around my sons partner, trying to do whatever we can to suit her, and then she moves the goal posts and we have to do more - nothing is ever enough for her.
I honestly don’t believe their relationship will survive, in fact I doubt they will be together in 12 months time. My son is a non drinker who doesn’t like to party. He will be quite happy to come home to his family at the end of the day. His partner is quite the opposite, and I think the novelty of a baby and playing happy families will wear off pretty quick.
My son is 2nd year uni, doing a bachelor of science, he is extremely good at math and science - and we have told him he MUST finish uni, which he has agreed to do. I’m not sure his partner will be very happy to be home alone with a baby while he is out during the day, but he has the potential to earn a very good income to support his family (he also realises this) so he needs to continue his study. I also know this will be another added
I do want to be an awesome grandmother and have a fantastic relationship with all of them, but I just can’t see it ending well.
To answer your question, I will be nan, my husband will be pa. I’m desperate to feel any kind of a connection, but I’m having trouble over riding my natural reaction of protecting myself from getting hurt. I hope I’m wrong in how I’m feeling about their future.
17-03-2019 12:50 PM
Hearing you loud and clear @Razzle about protecting yourself and your family, which includes your son and future grandchild.
So they are both lot younger than the couple I am dealing with but there are similar issues around the controlling aspects of mother's mother.
I thought about whether my two would ever make it together, and I was very worried that she would never know how to stop and would drag him down. The girl is vegan and controlling and flips into physical self harm at the drop of a hat, so some differences. I have been saved some angst as my son decided to break up with her, as they were not compatible on essential levels, before he knew they were expecting. Now they have decided to co-parent.
That could be a model for your two young parents.
It sounds like your boy will be lovely father and the world needs good men. Stand by him. My intuition says dont push them together if you dont think it will work. Just put 100% support to son and grandchild and be polite and ethical to young mum, and maintain safe distance. Have some faith in court system. At minimum You should get weekend per fortnight which should be manageable and may be nice, and your son gets to finish his study. Later if partying is too bad on other side, and she does not grow up, your son will be in a good position to make stronger steps. Nothing I say is a prediction, just an optimistic way of managing it.
Take Care Nan
there is a little one who needs you.
17-03-2019 01:41 PM
It's a difficult situation when children start having children and the situation with the girl's mother must make it seem impossile - so what can you do?
I would't want to do a 400 km journey to have a meeting at the food court somewhere either - and it does seem as if you are being pushed out and sad to say - there is not much to be gained by pushing back - so I think that having some access to the infant is what needs to happen and your son can continue his uni studies - I think that's a must. He can offer his baby so much more when he has good prospects and he can be a happier person when he is not compromised
And the girl doesn't sound at all stable - perhaps you can get more time - who knows. As rough as all of this is it can't be worked out ahead of time - it's a case of wait and see - wait and see - and more wait and see. Be as supportive of your son as possible
And he sounds like a decent young man - the world needs good men - as @Appleblossom has already said
17-03-2019 08:29 PM
@Appleblossom Yeah I agree, I won’t be pushing them together, I won’t be doing anything to break them apart either. They are very different individuals, I just feel she is very immature and doesn’t realise how good she has it. He’s not going to be the partying deadbeat druggo dad, but her family are always out to get him drunk - I don’t know if they think it’s cool to be
blind drunk, but they’re not content in letting my son be who he is. I hate using this term, but her family are very much bogans.
I will always stand by my son, but he is the one who will be terribly hurt at the end of the day.
17-03-2019 08:38 PM
It is going to be a case of wait and see @Dec . She’s not unstable, just immature, and a whole lot of generation ME, wants and expects everything now.
All I can do is offer support and be there for him when it all falls apart.