Lived Experience Forum

[Appleblossom]

@Queenie Sorry about the betray.  Glad your meds are managing the voices, but when our most intimate moment and places are not safe. IT IS HARD.

So glad you managed to avoid the alcohol when having a good night out.  You have done it once so can always do it again.

Cos my crazy life meant I had to stay off alcohol in my early 20s I got used to cheerfully saying "no" and not shaming others for drinking and being clear about that boundary when socialising.

Shame on any supposed "loved one" who encourages alcohol when their loved one is on serious meds.

I wish you did not have to go the extra yard re ECT, but you have to do what is right for you.

I am sure your Mrs gained some benefit in having you around in her parenting ... you have the right to develop your life according to your values and not feel so pressured.

Is your health care team aware of the intimate pressure ???

My gay uncle complains his "hubby" does not understand him, but has never had to deal with sort of stuff you do.

Take Care Bella @Queenie.

[eth]

Hi @Queenie  thinking of you and sending well wishes.  Very sorry to hear things have gotten harder for you lately.   Hoping you get some respite soon, even if it's in hospital again.  If you want to share more I'll be here to support you as much as I can.

[Shaz51]

Sorry about the betray @Queenie, here for you my friend if you need to chat xx

[Queenie]

The betrayal came from my cousin (the only family member I would cross oceans for). There was a misunderstanding about where we were to meet up for an outing and she blamed me entirely, when I was only passing on a message. She sent me a text saying how I am selfish and how I disgust her and how she will not forgive me for this. It really has rocked me to the core. I haven't slept since because of the distress it has caused me. My cousin was like a best friend. I now realise the friendship was very one sided. How often I would help her out emotionally and offer a listening ear, no matter the time of day or night. She never did the same for me and not once visited me in hospital, although she promised several times. I just feel so saddened that again I allowed myself to be taken in by others, only to be chewed up and spat back out. 

I have no voices, no redman but I know I am in a bad place emotionally. I spoke at length with my GP who thinks I need to change my thinking, but that is easier said than done sometimes when you have years of ingrained trauma backing it up. I have suspended therapy until the new year too as my psychologist is fully booked up until end of year break. My GP also refused to refer me to the hospital, instead I'm booked into respite for a week in order to 'get my act together'. This means I fall even further behind in my studies, but what can I do really? 

@Appleblossom my treating team knows about the struggle with expectations of my partner. I told them and were referred back for couples counselling.

Thank you everyone for your support. I am trying my absolute hardest here just to keep putting one foot in front of the other.

[Appleblossom]

@Queenie  

I am glad things are being managed.  I always get upset when life situations are translated into mental illness, but it is often the way of things. I had very hard lessons to learn about my family, but none of them were as childish and spiteful as your cousin. I hope you do get good respite.

Our thinking does change over time, but not by the flick of a switch.

[Queenie]

It is emergency respite so I am not sure what this entails exactly. It is funded under the NDIS and it is the first time I am using my NDIS funds, so we shall see. I am plan managed so as far as I see it, my accountant which I pay for will pay for the respite out of my allocated funds. I am supposed to be getting a support worker next week, so we shall see about that too. It is through the same organisation as my respite, so I should still be on track with that.

[Mazarita]

Hi @Queenie, just caught up with this thread.

Hugs (if you'd like them) for what you have to deal with, and how hard it is at xmas for you. If you don't like hugs, I'm sending you good vibes.

I'm not a big fan of xmas myself, not being religious and in fact having baggage from my catholic past and, really, about Christianity in general. It can be good on the day though. I treat it as a nondescript holiday for th most part. Most recent years I've hung out with my closest friends where I live: C who I live with, and our close friend not far from here. We are all fellow heathens in different ways, and keep it very low key.

How annoying that your missus is pushing it on you so much, and really shameful that she is pushing alcohol on you. Have you taken up the referral for relationship counselling. From stuff you have said here over time, it seems like that might be worth it.

So sorry to hear about your cousin too, that's really rough. I have no brothers and sisters so my cousins mean a lot to me, though none of us have been really close since I was a child, when one of them was like my best friend. She has put a big distance between us since, I think because she has been a born again Christian most of her life and probably doesn't approve of me now. She even made up a new profile on Facebook a couple of years ago, deleted her old one, and left me off her friends list on the new one. Sad, but that's the way of things sometimes. I still remember the good times when we were kids with fondness.

It's good to know the NDIS is looking like coming through for you with the respite and support worker, despite having such a hard time finding actual support for a while, even though you were funded. ECT is scary to me, but I can understand why you might want that, given how much struggle you have with depression in an ongoing way. Wishing you the very best with it, if that's something that does happen. Wishing you well overall, as always. Maz