Lived Experience Forum

[Former-Member]

Hi Everyone,

I've kinda been talking to my therapist about this, kinda not. 

My penultimate therapist said I was dissociating when this happened and I think I do it a lot. Like a lot.... A lot. 

Does anyone else have dissociative episodes and if so, how do you control them?

Some of mine are like I feel like I'm looking up from the bottom of a well and I'm not fully in control of what I do and say. Sometimes it's like my brain has been wiped clean and I can't think a single thought. I can't say anything cause my brain won't generate a word for me to say, I'm just numb and paralysed. And the worst is when I feel like I've been slapped in the face and I switch to an alternate reality where I'm there and I'm not there, and then I generally can't remember what happpens after that. 

I guess I *think* I know why it happens - whenever I encounter something that is emotionally provoking or I start to feel painful emotions, or I get scared or angry. 

But I wish I knew how to stop it, or control it a little.

Does anyone have similar experiences??????

[outlander]

hey @Former-Member

this ones a tricky one, i havent learnt to control it yet and it can be dangerous esp when driving a car. i go numb too and dont really know where i am. like the lights are on but no ones home sort of thing. 

i think stress is a major contriutor for mine as it comes with those big overwhelming feeling.  i dont have them as often though not sure if thats the meds that im on or what. 

i found that if i can catch them early which is relaly hard to do i will start using the grounding exercises like the 5 senses, slapping an elastic band on my wrist, holsing ice, or focussing on something in the present moment. 

have you found a pattern that you start to notice when going into that sort of state? as in do you start to go numb or start loosing alot of concentration in the present moment? trying to catch them is hard though but sometimes we can recognise the signs your starting to go into that state. 

[Former-Member]

Thanks @outlander,
I find they're like a switch, I don't experience any buildup that I am aware of. I just get a twinge and it happens. Like a snap of the fingers.
For the one that my mind goes blank, grounding helps get me out of it.
But it's the other two I'm most concerned about. I just don't get how to stop it, but I also don't know if I can or even how one experiences such emotions that tip me over. Cause if I could handle them, I don't think I'd dissociate. But then, I've never been able to feel them before, so I don't know if I can or if I'd want to.
I just feel like it's out of my control.

[outlander]

hmm sorry im not much help there. your sound like they happen really quick. some of mine do too and i hardly realise its happened until im halfway home and i have no idea how i got there. 

maybe in the situations you know will trigger you say like crowds or certain people or events you could just continue to be mindful and continue doing grounding exercises until the 'threat' has passed? @Former-Member

[MoonGal]

Hi @Former-Member, I spent a lot of time in dissociative states until this year. (I live with a laundry list of mental health diagnoses).

After years of struggle and wrangling my wayward brain, I have managed to really get a handle on being present and checking in with myself to bring myself back to the present, I do that constantly throughout the day. And life has imporoved SO much for me.

If I am having an emotion, I try to catch what thinking caused it. I understand emotions are like the weather, but thoughts are the climate. Thoughts precede emotion (or emotional shutdown as a protectant). Once I started to get even remotely close to the terrible "monsters" inside I would either shut down or get hysterical.

I have not dissociated for about 4 months, ever since I faced down my past in 12 intense sessions of therapy over a 12 month period.

AND... As a direct result of an unfortunate thing which happened to a special teddy bear I bought as a gift to "my inner child", a very special "object" to replace a lost childhood object. My new dog pulled it apart thinking it was just like the other soft toys she is allowed to play with. I had left her in the room alone and forgot about the bear. I found it in four pieces and had a massive (really huge, talking category 5) grief and loss reaction immediately and as I was coming out of it I recognised that feelings did not and cannot actually hurt me. That those feelings were no bigger than anything left inside me and that I could have those feelings, I could process those feelings and let them go. They were not going to really hurt or k-i-l-l me. Since then I have found it easier to stay present, not shy away from memories, but when I have one I imagine grabbing it firmly and throw it into a huge blue rubbish bin (which I periodically also imagine shoving out to sea and watching it sink) and move on. 

So if dissociation is avoidance of feelings/thoughts/memories we can learn to live through the feelings/thoughts and memories if we have really good therapeutic support but also believe in ourselves to be able to handle the feelings. Practicing being present is only part of it, practising self-compassion/self-love is also hard to do AND the best gift we can give ourselves. 

The simple message to this long chat is this.
1. Feelings cannot hurt us.
2. Staying present when a feeling or thought comes up cannot hurt us.
3. Making a decision to let go or throw away old memories can only heal us. (not avoidance but active decision making)
4. Staying present becomes stronger with practice. 
5. Staying present gets stronger and easier with practice. (yep, worth saying twice).

[NatalieS]

Great advice @MoonGal.  

So many times during my therapy sessions my psychologist will ask where have I gone...so many times I cannot look at her, I will be looking away and/or having a conversation with her but will be facing the books in the bookcase, trying to read the spines of the books,not wanting to think about the reasons for my going to therapy, and it's as though my thoughts are 1000 miles away and not in the present...often not knowing what to say, or it's as if inside my head is completely empty of the present, but the anxiety will be 120 out of 100 and I just want to run away. There are times at work when, if I'm talking to someone, my mind goes totally blank and I can't think of the words I want to say.  And I'm still working on why this happens and why I do what I do so I can acknowledge these emotions/reactions and let them go. I'm still such a frightened child. I'm still trying to believe that I am safe and that thoughts/feelings won't hurt me.

Luckily my little dog is 13 years old and has never liked soft toys so my inner children (ages and stages) know that their toys are safe.  When my dog jumps up on my bed she just gives the toys a quick sniff before snuggling down to sleep.

Thanks.

[MoonGal]

@NatalieS and @Former-Member

Hope you are travellin' okay today? I do identify with what you are saying. Some days I still freeze up momentarily - particularly if I go into anxiety overload - and I have basically nothing happening in my mind, I cannot find a thought to catch or an appropriate response to a question. Moments like that I try to remember just to breathe, or say "let me think a moment" so the other person doesn't know I am a gaping void inside at that moment. I am not sure if that is 'dissociation' or anxiety (or both?) 

I think I have it relatively easy these days as I no longer work and really my only interactions are with my partner and customer service people in shops, with occasional visits to my mother in an aged care home. I wonder how well I would do in a work situation, it has been years since I was well enough to work. I feel very fortunate to have my own home to rattle around in and practice being present, no pressures except the ones I stack on myself.

How are you going @Former-Member?

[S2323]

Hey @Former-Member i know how you feel ive been dissociating since i was 13 and its very scary when it happens because i no longer feel like a person or anything im just gone and i dont know how or what is separting when it happens but i have found a few ways of getting back to the moment that im more than happy to share with you. Very intense cardio excerise sometimes works for me so i do interval training at my gym whivh helps alot. Cold showers sometimes help aswell and if you drink i would definetly reccomend stopping because alchohol for me anyways almost always triggers it and i end up running on autopilot which is pretty dangerous as i lose control and it scares the shit out of me that i could do anything. Also i sleep alot because i also check out when im too tired. Stay strong though youre not alone and youll find what works for you to get back your presense just dont give up 👍

[Appleblossom]

Hello @S2323 I have not "met" you before.  Dissociation can be difficult to manage. I hope you find the forum helpful.

Hey @Former-Member Hope you are doing well.