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Queenie
Community Elder

I miss my Mum and should I forgive my stepmother?

Mother’s Day cards are in stores along with an abundance of women’s slippers, this always gets me down. You see folks, I lost my mother when she was 45 and I was just 11. It was sudden... aneurysm... and I never had the chance to say a proper farewell to her. I was considered too young to attend her funeral and so wasn’t present. I also really didn’t understand the gravity of it all. I was suddenly the woman of the house and had to bring home my below par home economics cooking as the evening meal for my family. I had to wash, iron, vacuum, cook and clean... I knew not how to do any of these things other than keeping my room tidy. I miss her terribly even today. Mother’s Day is hard for me, I spend the day in tears.

Fast forward a year after my beloved mum meeting her maker and my Dad announces to me that he is marrying my aunt... my mother’s sister. Years later I would discover that she was having an affair with him while my mum was still alive. After the marriage took place, years of neglect and emotional abuse began. I grew up in a household where I was definitely unloved and unwanted. I was asked on the phone tonight if given the chance, would I forgive her. I don’t know the answer. I was kicked out of home with no income at the tender age of sixteen. I was the victim of very manipulating emotional abuse... it took years of therapy to realise that. Should I forgive now that they are old and both in failing health? I have tears 😭 right now because I’m so confused and conflicted.

4 REPLIES 4

Re: I miss my Mum and should I forgive my stepmother?

@Queenie  Hi Queenie hugs my dear friend xxxxx. So sorry about losing your mum at such a young age . My mum's mum died of a heart attack at age 60 and has never gotten over it. My mum is 83 and is in good health but I don't take it for granted and was just wondering the other night how I will go when she passes .... it won't be pretty for me that is for certain.

 

My ex had an affair with an office worker when I was manic. He got up and left me when I was so ill. Have I forgiven him yes .... have I forgetten no and there is the difference I have forgiven him because I don't hold grudges (it is not in my nature) but now that he brings me flowers and tells me how beautiful I am I won't go back. 

 

You have to decide on whether forgiving is good for your own soul. It was for mine. Remember it doesn't mean you have contact with her etc it is all about you Queenie. You can just forgive in your heart quietly and that would be enough. I find holding hate is bad for my wellbeing.

 

I hope this helps. Lots of love greenpea xxxx

Re: I miss my Mum and should I forgive my stepmother?

Mega hugs from me too @Queenie. I felt sad reading reading your post and am so sorry you have been through all of that 😔 No wonder Mothers Day is tough.

I don't know about forgiveness when it comes to things that are so hurtful and have a profound effect on us. I have thought about forgiveness when it comes to my ex and "no" is my answer to that with him, at least for the time being. I think I'm a fairly understanding person who tries to see the good in people and gets that we all make not-so-great choices at times, but that's not enough for me with him and what he did. I'm OK with not being able to forgive him and think it's more of a reflection on his acts than it is on who I am.

I wonder whether forgiveness is something that comes more easily once we've fully processed and worked through our feelings about the things that have hurt us. Once we've found meaning and sense in it all maybe. I haven't done that yet and that's OK. I don't know if that's the same for you but it's very OK that you're feeling the impact of your trauma many years later too.

I like what you said @greenpea about forgiveness being about you. Your experience and feelings are deeply personal and I think forgiveness is something we do for ourselves (when we are ready) not for someone else. I also don't think we can force it either. Perhaps you're feeling pressure because they're both aging, but I believe we can't make ourselves forgive if we aren't ready and again that's OK too.

More hugs and ❤ Queenie

Re: I miss my Mum and should I forgive my stepmother?

Thanks @greenpea and @CheerBear  for your support and thoughts on this. I contacted my father to run these thoughts by him and apparently she isn’t willing to forgive me until I formally apologise to her. I mean.....excuse me? I have to apologise? I’m totally confused as to why. I basically have to say sorry you abused me. That makes me mad and sad all over again.

Re: I miss my Mum and should I forgive my stepmother?

@Queenie that would have felt like a huge kick to me 🙁 Totally understandable that you'd be feeling mad and sad all over again. It sounds like they have no desire to recognise the harm that you've experienced or their role in that.

Listening and hearing you Queenie ❤
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