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perseverer
Senior Contributor

If I don't get help, a tragedy is going to happen

I haven't posted in a while because I have had so little free time between dealing with the family's mental health problems and working full time.  Things are not going well and continue to deteriorate. We are at a greater crisis point than we have ever been before and I fear that unless something dramatic changes to help us then a tragedy is going to happen.

Basically, my husband has bipolar disorder with psychotic symtoms. I am not sure why his psychiatrist does not call it schizoaffective disorder. He is on an anti-psychotic and an anti-depressant and hasn't worked in over three years. Our eldest son has schizophrenia which he battles with constantly. He has spent a good part of his life in psychiatric wards and hospitals and has a large network of support. But he is fragile.  Our next son is in denial. He has been diagnosed with OCD, ADHD and GAD and depression, but he does not accept the diagnosis nor the treatment. He is also an autistic savant. And our youngest son is still at school. He suffers a lot in silence and was once on medicatication for Tourette's but is no longer needing it. However, he still suffers a great deal from all the tension going on around him.

At the centre of the trouble is actually our middle son who has bad OCD, untreated. As far as he is concerned, he is only trying to put things right. The problem is not him, it is everyone else. Iin particular, the problem is my husband. When my husband retired he withdrew his super and went on a big spending spree, spending the whole lot in just a couple of months. The despair and desperation this action caused the whole family is completely beyond his grasp. The house is full of the uneeded and unsolicited bling he bought and imposed on us and it traumatised our middle son who likes things simple and uncomplicated. So every night when the rest of us are sleeping (and believe me, even getting that far was a major achievement for us), our middle son gets up and rearranges everything, and I mean everything. Nothing is too sacred to violate. My work things, the kitchen, the linen, even private things we have in our bedroom drawers. My husband feels completely undermined and disrespected and he is angry. His moods trigger his psychosis as they do our eldest son's psychosis. They are now at the point where they do not want the other to be involved at all in their lives. Our poor eldest son needs a calm and peaceful environment and is trying to cope with the war ragin between his brother and his father by going out for long walks. But this is not really helping.

When I get home from work each day I am still grateful to find everyone still alive. But I am walking into a battle zone with huge degrees of hurt, anger and upset and the emotional inability to deal with it on the part of my mentally ill husband and three mentally ill sons. 

We need a bigger house with separate living areas. We need to have it decorated by an interior designer and to make an agreement that we will all abide by what the external person thinks needs to be in the house. And I really need another sane adult in the house. It would help my family beyond description if I could leave work and just be here to smooth over the storms, to listen and understand, to mediate and work things out.

My husband is on the brink of a violent reaction. I am genuinely worried and do not want to be leaving the house to go to work.

24 REPLIES 24

Re: If I don't get help, a tragedy is going to happen

ooooh @perseverer this is so difficult.  Feeling your usrgency.

Can you get through to husband's pdoc and son's mh workers, that situation is very tense and a positive circuit breaker would be better.. 

Is there any way could access a home visit or a service who will work with the family instead of compartmentlising everyone's needs.  I cant remember which state you are in.  Neami sometimes have people visiting.

Re: If I don't get help, a tragedy is going to happen

Oh I feel for you - you are really living on the edge @perseverer. I was thinking along the lines of @Appleblossom - to involve outside mental health services before someone cracks and tragedy strikes. I also think your idea of putting space between each other was a good idea if possible. A house with a granny flat? Is it possible at all for your son's to rent somewhere else for their peace and your husband's healing? (without provocation). 

I understand the complexity of your situation and that there would be no easy answers with financial restraints being problematic - but it sounds like a ticking time bomb ready to explode if all members stay under the same roof. I do you find a resolution soon. We can't live with our daughter for much longer for similar reasons. It's heartbreaking

Re: If I don't get help, a tragedy is going to happen

@Appleblossom, am currently going through every avenue to try and find support. Taking time off work and will visit eldest son’s case worker with him tomorrow. I’m in Victoria. Thanks for writing.

Re: If I don't get help, a tragedy is going to happen

I dont know how flexible the supports already in place can be. 

Clarity about personal and communal space are very important especially if people are not out at daytime activities. If any changes can improve situation.

Thinking and hoping tomorrow yields positive results.

Heart @perseverer

Re: If I don't get help, a tragedy is going to happen

@Former-Member, thank you for your comment. My major frustration is financial limitation.  I wish my sons were well enough to live even semi-independently. But they are not. My eldest son is on a disability pension which is not enough to afford to rent, and my  middle son is receiving no income at all and refuses to seek an income. My eldest son was recently released from hospital and it is our local hospital's policy for mental health patients to go to an assisted living place. Reluctantly (because his other two forays into that environment ended in him being brought back to hospital by ambulance) he agreed, but when he went for his admission interview the staff made it clear to him that they did not want him back. They had been traumatised by him the last time he went. They had needed counselling. And what makes my blood boil is the sheer preciousness of the staff's upset - and my eldest son is a gentle, loving soul, not a violent person at all. What the hell do they think I have to deal with every single day? And the counselling services that were available to them for their needs certainly don't seem to be available for me, the chief carer.

Re: If I don't get help, a tragedy is going to happen

@perseverer

Have you been able to get any help from case worker/s?

Re: If I don't get help, a tragedy is going to happen

@perseverer ... You have so much to deal with - I am thinking of you and sending you big hugs. I know it's not much but hopefully will put even a little smile on your face x

Re: If I don't get help, a tragedy is going to happen

Hello@Darcy, I tried several agencies without success. While talking to Lifeline my phone cut out, so I am very down on Telstra at present. My eldest son's case worker is on leave but I have informed Monash Health of our situation. The carer support person referred me to Bouverie House. I spoke to their intake officer who told me that I qualify for assistance, but that their waiting list is closed and try again in 6 to 8 weeks. So I don't know what to do.

Re: If I don't get help, a tragedy is going to happen

@perseverer

Has it got to the stage with your men where you need to call MH triage or CATT to intervene?

http://www.monashhealth.org/page/Acute_mental_health_services

For yourself:
Wellways have carer support as do Carers Victoria - you can get a number of free counseling through Carers Vic.

https://www.wellways.org/our-services/support-families-friends-and-carers

http://www.carersvictoria.org.au

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