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Foreverbattle
Casual Contributor

It never ends

I have been doing so well this past 6 months I have dealt with things that in previous years would have left me not able.to function. I am still working my part time job and have his completed my year study. I also had an unexpected operation and lost two of my fur babies. And I am still doing ok. I also had to go back home and that triggered me beyond what I was expecting. The person did things to make sure to show me he still has power over me. It can caused me to deal with flashback night mares since I have been make waking up dripping in sweat and it's also so real. 

I am scared to go to sleep now. 

I have done therapy I was in intensive therapy for more than 10+ years. 

 

I just want to run from my life and the only way I know how is to end it, but that's not an option .

 

I am sad my heart hurts and I feel alone more than ever. People don't actually want to spend time and get to know me they just want to use me for my kind heart.  I will give my all coz I know what it's like to have no one. 

 

I am tired of doing this even with all I have accomplished it means nothing really. 

 

I just don't wanna battle all my life. This illness is never going anywhere it's just how I manage it and some days it take more effort than others and a lot of the time I have no effort left. 

 

Anyways I don't know what I expect from posting here but thought I would give it ago

15 REPLIES 15

Re: It never ends

Hi @Foreverbattle,

 

I'm so sorry to hear how long you have been struggling with your mental health. Smiley Sad

 

I just wanted to let you know that I have sent you a check-in email.

 

Please take care of yourself the best you can, and reach out if you need any help!

 

Kindest Regards,

Amour_Et_Psyché

Re: It never ends

@Amour_Et_Psyché don't worry I am not at risk and I know exactly what to do when I am at risk, I have all the support numbers and help hand and I know that I can use them when I get bad I have don't this several times before and am now at place where I am confident to use those supports when it gets to the point I am at serious risk. It's just how it goes sometimes I guess.

 

I just am gonna do my best to self care and get myself through the day. I just don't have friends to rely on just because when ever I do there is anyways something going on in there world and I get pushed aside. 

 

I have two days off work so hopefully that will help as well. 

 

I am just so tired of it I guess but that is just how it goes someday 

Thanks for sending me a check in email:) 

Re: It never ends

Hi @Foreverbattle and welcome to the forum. I too am sorry to hear how hard things have been for you. I imagine the trigger you had being back at home and the nightmares you've had since would feel like a huge setback after you've been doing so well. Nightmares can be so hard to deal with and can impact a lot. I'm also sorry to hear you get pushed aside by your friends.

How are you going tonight? You mentioned you were going to try some self care today. What kinds of things do you do for self-care?

Hope a couple of days off work helps.

Re: It never ends

Hello @Foreverbattle Just wanted to say I read your post. You have been through a lot.

I hope you find the Forum helpful. It has been life changing for me just to find people who understand without judgment.

Thinking of you. Take care.

Re: It never ends

I slept most of yesyerday away if I am honest. I was only awake for small periods of time.

 

Today I went to my friend was nice to be able to hang out with her it had been awhile since I had seen her. 

 

My anxiety today has been quiet bad and made me exhausted. I wasn't able to talk to my friend about all that happened even tho she is aware of what happened and what triggered me back because I havnt been able to see her. She had a lot going on that she needed to tall to and vent about. 

 

My heart is heavy, I need to keep and eye on my thoughts because it's jumping to ending it more and more. I am at no risk of acting on these thought, and will be ok to do what I need if I am, however that does not mean they are not annoying and any less distressing, I know where this road can lead me, in fact i know it all to very well. I will just do what I can to get by. 

I have work tomorrow so hopefully that will help somewhat and keep me busy. 

Customer service is hard when your heart is heavy. 

 

I just need to keep telling myself, although this illness  will never go away there are time when my symptoms are less severe and I can manage myself better. And I guess to hold onto those times.

 

I am not sure who I am or what I want, I don't know if I am doing things for me or if I am just doing it for others.

I need to try shut my brain down for the night.

I am probably not making any sense, sorry!

Re: It never ends

Hey there @Foreverbattle, no need to be sorry. We are all here to hold space and we certainly all hear you. The battle, the journey it's familiar to all of us here. Some of us are in the thick of it, closer to feeling fully recovered, and others just beginning their journey Heart. The point is, it is a journey, but things can and will alleviate. You deserve to feel good, I really hope this community helps you to feel less alone throughout all of this 🙂 

 

What sort of supports do you have at the moment? Do you see a counsellor or attend support groups etc? I know you mentioned you engaged in therapy for 10+ years, just curious as to what's working for you now Heart Have you ever had a chat with the team at the SANE Helpline? We have webchat too 🙂 The number is 1800 18 7263.

 

Let us know how work goes today Heart

 

 

Re: It never ends

@nashy For supports at the moment I have only my gp but previously I had much more under the local mental health system, it took me 10+ years to be able to finally go back to just the care of my gp. I did see one psychologist about 7months 8 months ago. 

I got a referral to go back, it's just I can not fit it into my schedule at the moment. Between study and work life(this is also first time I have ever been able to hold a job longer than a few months, first time I completed a course also first time for doing both at once!) I just don't get a moment.

 

I went to the gp the other day for the trouble sleeping, he has known me since 09 but we didn't do anything, I guess it's me just making him and myself aware of the situation incase it gets any worse. My Dr told me he was proud of me for how I am dealing with this he even said a year and a half two years ago I would of been a mess.

 

The forums seem kind and welcoming it's just hard for me to spend a lot of time on here reading and reply to all. 

I am glad I can just vent here.

 

I have had online chat once, and havnt had to call yet, but know it's a number I can call if I need to thank you, I have a list of emergency numbers 🙂 

 

I need to go try eat and the  sleep get ready to do it all again tomorrow!

 

Re: It never ends

Sending love @Foreverbattle Heart

Re: It never ends

Hi @Foreverbattle 

 

First of all I think you should be extremely proud of yourself for choosing to join the forums here. It takes way more courage to speak out that it does to remain silent ❤❤ there is so much acceptance and understanding here night and day so please continue to share here as it has the potential to help you feel less alone in your mental struggles like it has for me. 

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