Lived Experience Forum

[Maggie]

@Former-Member  💙💙💙

[Appleblossom]

@Former-Member 

I hope you are safe and put some distance between you and the anger.

I dont believe you need to keep doing it if you are not appreciated.  You can link him to local and council services.

[Shaz51]

@Former-Member  are you ok my sister

[Maggie]

Really worried about you @Former-Member . 🖤🖤🖤

[BlueBay]

Oh @Former-Member  im sorry you're feeling like this. You do so much for your husband. It's not your fault you came home late. Pls stay safe. I'm thinking of you. Hugs and love ❤️🤗

[Former-Member]

@Shaz51@Zoe7@Whitehawk@Adge@outlander@Owlunar@Maggie@Appleblossom@BlueBay@Corny @Molliex  @Gazza75  @eth @CheerBear @Peri @Starta and anyone else reading along.

Firstly ... a big thank you. The last thing I intended to do on Thursday was to worry any of you. So I apologise for having dropped out of sight for a couple of days. I still have that very real fear that when I need support from my forum friends the most, that thats when it is taken away. Silly I know, but thats what has happened elsewhere in the past, and my brain just wont see past that. I go into a panic, then into self destruct mode. So I had to stay away for a bit.

Anyway ... I am much better now ... I feel safe again. I did have to get out on Thursday though, it would have been foolhardy of me to stay. I mentioned that I was in big trouble for getting back late from my GP appointment that day. You are all correct of course ... it was not my fault, and I had notified hubby by text that I would be late. In the end it was 6.30pm when I finally got home from my apt. Not only was my GP running very late, it was also a long apt. Last apt for the day I think, so he thought it wouldnt matter if we went a bit late. I had been booked in for a skin cancer check, and also to review some blood tests from last time I was in. Having had skin cancers cut out previously (a different Dr) I was told not to neglect my annual skin checks. Plus I am a redhead with very fair skin, so at risk of more cancers. So I had been remiss by leaving it well over 18 months. Anyway the good news was that he didnt find anything sinister by way of suspect skin cancers.

But it was an awkward session. During his examination, he asked me about a few bruises and a couple of old scars I have. Normally well hidden. I could explain the scars satisfactorily. But when he asked about a couple of bruises, I initially did not answer. Then he persisted and asked me how I got them. I just told him I couldnt recall, and that I bruise easily. That is partly true at least, because I do bruise easily I think.  I am starting to wonder if my psych has reported something to him. I hope thats not the case, because I never gave her permission to pass on information I told her in confidence.

Anyway .. it ended up being a somewhat triggering appointment. So I wasnt in the best of places by the time I got home. And then I was hit with an onslaught of foul temper from hubby, followed by a string of threats and accusations. My anxiety went through the roof very quickly, and I felt very vulnerable and afraid. As I said, I had to get out that night. But I am back again now, and he is being very kind to me. He knows he needs me you see. And I know deep down, he doesnt intend to hurt me .. not emotionally, psychologically or physically. As Dec rightly says .. he is dealing with a lot. I cannot blame him for any of that. This is partly my fault ... my fault for being over sensitive, over anxious and fearful.

Anyway ... I do apologise if I worried anyone. I'm okay. But may be a little quiet for a while. I will be around when I can.

Sherry

[Molliex]

It is not your fault @Former-Member, not even a little bit. While we can understand why people may act in certain ways, it does not excuse or justify the behaviour.

Stay safe. Here for you anytime x

[Zoe7]

It is absolutely not your fault in any way, shape or form @Former-Member Being sensitive or anxious does not equate to you deserving or precipitating the anger, aggression or threats - and his behaviour is not as a result of his illness ...it is his to own alone. No matter how sick someone is it is no excuse for being so nasty or abusive ...and yes he needs you more than you need him - and if he is going to continue to have your support and care then he needs to change his behaviour. You do not have to live in fear Hon and you do not have to continue to look after your husband if that is the position he is going to constantly place you in. You did the brave and wise thing getting out on Thursday Sherry - your safety is the most important and if that means leaving him to his own devices and having to deal with his own behaviour and health himself then so be it - no-one deserves what you have been going through and no-one deserves to be in constant fear. I do very much know how hard it is to just walk away from all that but you have taken a massive step to protect yourself this week and that shows immense courage. Continue to protect yourself in any way you can and make it clear that it is now on your terms that you stay otherwise he will be left to look after himself again. Take back the power Hon - you deserve so much better 

[Starta]

Dear @Former-Member ...It’s not your fault Lovely...Men like your hubby and my hubby, groom us from the very beginning of the relationship to makes us feel fearful...then because of being fearful it also makes us feel over sensitive, vulnerable and all sorts of inferiority’s towards ourself...

Be safe lovely Sherry...and look after you the best you can...your important dear Sherry...Sending you a picture I took of the sun setting at mine..I hope it brings you a little bit of peace...also sending you a blessing I would like to give you...

Starta...

[Appleblossom]

@Former-Member 

The most important thing is that you are alright.  It sounds like your gp is thorough which is great.  I believe you deserve respect from your hubby. I hope you find more ways to meet your needs, and dont need to excuse his bad behaviour as a problem with your personality.

Gently Gently

Thoughtful Redhead