Lived Experience Forum

[48m]

Hi.

This is my first time on here, actually it's the first time on any forum. Anyway here's my story. I have anxiety and depression which I guess are due to many things. Like my old school ( read militant ) upbringing, being a deep thinker, my expectations of myself. More recently my failure as a husband, father and contributing member of society. After my marriage breakdown a decade ago I was unable to see my kids for 5 ish years. Then after an expensive and nasty court case during which I was advised to just keep smiling and jump through as many hoops as my bitter and vindictive ex saw fit. In the end I passed every test with flying colours and gained court ordered visitation so for the next few years i spent time with my beautiful 2 little treasures every second weekend. Over those years I made sure never uttered a bad word to the kids about her ( everyone deserves to love their mum without some idiot poisoning it ) ( wish I was shown the same respect). Also over that time I bowed down to her every wish knowing that if i didn't seeing the kids would be made difficult. Then last November i went against the grain standing my ground on some things and also requested to be more involved in their education ect. Things went down hill quickly from there until January when I was informed that the kids no longer want to see me anymore. Even though this was breaking the court order if i force them to see me ( their both under 10 ) it more than likely will damage and hurt them. Definitely better me being hurt than them. Since then I tried to keep in contact via phone and texts to no avail and have basically been wiped from their lives. This has seen my mental health spiral downward where at one point I basically didn't get out of bed for a month. Embarrassingly ive had about 50 days off work and have now lost my job. I guess the conclusion the my story turned rant is I'm a failure as a father, and a person. I've let not only my wonderful little angels down but also myself, my family, my workmates, my friends and I can see in the not to distant future the bank being added to the list. I have no idea what to do and am very lost to say the least.

[greenpea]

@48m Hi 48m and welcome to the forms. I am so sorry that things in your life are going so badly atm particularly not being able to see your children. Are you seeing your doctor about what is going on in your life? I am not sure if you know this but you can get a BOMBH package through your gp which gives you several (I think 😎 free sessions with a psychologist.  I have used them in the past and have found them very useful.

You must be feeling very alone atm. We have a kind community of people with various mental health issues who are very friendly. Have a look around the threads like the 'Good Morning' thread to start with. Take good care of yourself and I will see you around the forums hopefully. greenpea

[48m]

Thanks for reply. Yes am seeing a doctor and he referred my to see a someone though I live in a fairly small town and the wait was about 4 months. Though 2 weeks ago they called me saying that the person I was to see has now left the business to work elsewhere. I asked if i could see the remaining doc but was told that he/she wasn't suitable for me to see which is why I was booked with the other doc. I called the practice that the doctor is joining but was told she hasn't actually started and they didn't know when she was starting so couldn't make an appointment for me. Now that's quite amusing.... when you can't take a trick, you can't take a trick. Not to worry.

[greenpea]

@48m Hi 48m I like the way you have kept your sense of humour re: doctor even though it is a blackish humour .... we have to laugh at something lol :). Maybe your doctor could contact the new practice on your behalf and state the urgency of your needing to see him.  I live in a city area and still it is hard to get good psychiatrists and psychologists as either they have or are retiring or have their books shut. It is a crime really that people are finding it so hard to get the help they need.

Anyway enough grizzling it is what it is. Again I would keep at them particularly as I said with the help of your doc that should hold some weight 🙂

Oh also if you want to talk with anyone on the forums put a @in front of their names like I did for you then they are tagged and get a message that you have contacted them.

Looking forward to hearing how you go 48m. 

Take care

greenpea

[Lunar]

Hello @48m

A very warm welcome to the forums, it is nice to meet you 🙂

It sounds like you have gone through such a terrible time with your divorce and not being able to see your children, that all seems like too much and no wonder you are struggling to cope with that, I really cannot imagine how very tough that would all be, and certainly not a reflection of you, you are a caring father doing your best and not a failure at all.

I am really glad to hear you have come to the forums for some much needed support, especially when you have not been able to seek support as yet, only through your gp which is definately not enough.

You might like to introduce yourself here, which can be a nice way to get to know other forums members.

I look forward to getting to know you better,

Lunar