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Casual Contributor

Managing my own feelings of worry to support daughter

Hi All 

This is my first post.

I have considered support forum for some time but guess the time is right now

My daughter is 21 now but her concerns with mental health emerged when she was 16 years with depression anxiety and self harming. She saw a psychologist at this time but just told him what he wanted to hear. She is very high functioning with her mental health and can hide it quite well most of the time. After year 12 she moved to live at university and things improved away from high school and something new in her life. She now lives in a private rental with and i see her every few weeks and she asks me if she needs help with anything. In the last 12 months she has had decline in her mental health with incidences of the return of self harming and suicidal ideation and commenced medication 2 months ago. She has had a couple of failed relationships and I feel this has impacted her. At the start of this year she commenced a   very stressful demanding job. We have very open communication but at the same time she is now 21 and doesnt want her mother telling her how to manage her life. My struggle comes from the fact that i am now more worried about how she is each day, is she eating is she sleeping is she taking her medications (her memory is not good and she sometimes forgets), how is she feeling after a bad day at work etc. She used to answer my text messages quite quickly but now they go unread for hours or days and I am left wondering is she okay. I dont know how to let go of these feelings and stop being so vigilant. My worry has started to impact more on my life, work etc and I now am coming to terms with me having to adapt as this is going to be a lifelong support role. I know al the self care strategies just at certain crisis times it it is hard to implement them for myself. She has lots of good friends but not many of them even know she has any mental healthconcerns. She doesnt like any other family members except her father and Ito know about her mental health. Despite her mental health she is so amazing for what she has acheived in her life and many people think she is much older as she is so mature and has such advanced people skills. Hope others can relate thanks

6 REPLIES 6
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Re: Managing my own feelings of worry to support daughter

Hi Jezzay,

 

Sounds like she needs some space to find her place on the planet. Am a mum to three myself, put the time in raised them best I could and they are all doing fine as independant adults.

 

Sounds like your daughter has some wonderful attributes and you have done a good job in raising her. Have faith in her, she will make mistakes, be there for her when she needs, but, give her space. Have faith that what you have instilled in her will support her even if you are not there directly. Wean yourself from a mothering role to more of a friend role, see her as the adult she is.

 

Your anxiety associated with not texting etc, something you need to manage obviously for your own mental health, but, have faith in her and what you have taught her. My kids and I communicate usually weekly, just to touch base, give the thumbs up, sometimes for longer chats. But I give them space, respect them as adults with their own lives to manage. Always there if they need me, they know that, I'm sure your daughter knows you are there for her. Respect her choices in life (may not always be good one's to us mums), but, often that is all our kids want is to know we respect their choices and trust them to manage their lives as best they can at their stage in life. Give her time and allow her to make contact with you, may be longer than you feel comfortable with, but, something to try. All the best.

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Re: Managing my own feelings of worry to support daughter

Thanks Lostinlife

Very kind and wise words

I know your advice is what I need to do but it is just hard letting go sometimes

Thank you Smiley Happy

 

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Re: Managing my own feelings of worry to support daughter

Hey @Jezzay,

 

I'm one of the moderators. Welcome to the forums and thanks for telling us about yourself and what brought you here. It can be so isolating caring for someone who is struggling and this forum can really help with that.

 

Don't hesitate to ask us moderators or other members questions while you get used to the forums. And put an @ in front of member names when you want them to get a notification of your post. Lastly the Guidelines can be helpful for understanding how it all works. 

 

See you around 🌻

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Re: Managing my own feelings of worry to support daughter

Hi @ Jezzay

 

I understand completely how you feel.

My older son went through a difficult mental illness diagnosis and just as he was improving we suffered the loss of his brother.

This put me and his dad on high alert and it became especially difficult. 

My worry over my son relapsing, and his feeling smothered, caused many frustrations between us. It culminated in having therapy as a family so we could understand each other and survive together. 

I have found it difficult to let go and trust him to be ok especially after losing one son.

He has just moved out. Its not an easy process and I have to hope that he will reach out as he did in the past when not doing alright.

You mentioned that  “ you see your daughter every few weeks and she asks you if she needs anything “ that’s a positive to hold on to. That she will reach out to you if needed.

Travelling through the mh of a child is daunting and stressful and it’s easy to feel traumatised from the experience.

Have you spoken with a psychologist or counsellor yourself so you can express your concerns ? This may be helpful in negotiating a way ahead.

After the loss of my son the support group we eventually joined provided the greatest healing. Hopefully through the forum you will find support from others in the same situation.

I try to keep myself occupied and busy

but as mums especially of kids with mh issues this is often easier said than done.

Just wanted you to know you’re not alone in your worries and feelings.

xx

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Re: Managing my own feelings of worry to support daughter

@Tortoiseshell 

Thanks for the advice

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Re: Managing my own feelings of worry to support daughter

Hello @WinterSun 

I can not imagine how hard the loss of a son has been for you and your family I am sorry this happened to you.

Your son moving out again would also be hard but we have to let them live their lives

I am considering a psychologist for myself maybe soon as I need to manage my own fears and anxiety. I hide them from her as she needs to see me as her rock when things get hard for her

I do keep busy and try to use meditation and relaxation strategies.

Thanks for your support I do feel less alone knowing others have similar feelings

 

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