Lived Experience Forum

[Fox3]

Hello everyone,

I'm new to this forum. I just wanted to reach out to others who are dealing with anxiety, depression & attempted suicide. During the last 4 weeks I've taken an attempt on my own life. Been admitted to hospital for observation for a period of 7days (public system). Discharged to return home without follow up support other than a random call from the mental health crisis team every 3-4days which only lasted 2 calls. I have no family support and only 2 close friends near by but feel like I've fallen through the cracks of a system that doesn't care.

I have a GP who's professional expertise reaches no further than prescribing medication. However did forward a mental healthcare plan to a psychiatrist waiting over 3 weeks now to get an appointment to no prevail.

My passing day's are uneventful waking early with nausea sometimes with headaches. Forcing myself to eat something due to medication must be taken with food once daily. My mind never seems to shut down running almost 24/7 worrying about life's pressures. My anxiety & depression is driven by past poor life choices / decisions in most areas if not all. Wondering how I'm going to survive another day let alone a week, month or year.

I have no selfesteam or enthusiasm to do anything daily. Each day passes by sitting around watching movies, reading a book doing the odd puzzle but usually loosing interest within 1/2hr. Rarely venturing out as have no reason to leave choosing to hide away from prying eyes as to proud or ashamed of where I've ended up.

I'm in my 40's a divorced father of two. I'm just over 6' tall generally quite thick set around 115kgs but have lost a considerable amount due to my condition of late. I was always one to take pride in my appearance & outlook but now I don't seem to care about anything. I feel completely alone most of the time quietly screaming out for help from afar but no one hears my pain.

I find myself now unemployed with no financial stability or savings fighting to retain a normal life but loosing the battle fast. The usual bills keep pouring in Rent, Utilities, Phone, Child Support, Registrations, Insurances & so on. I keep fighting every day but can't stop thinking If only I had passed away three weeks ago all this pain would be gone. I ask myself what is the "value" of life & who around us really cares in our hour of need it seems quite simple "0" no one.

My love to all experiencing similar circumstances. I wouldn't wish this on my worst enemy.

Fox3

[Zoe7]

What you have described in different parts of your story is tru for so many here @Fox3 There are many threads and many members that have been through what you have and are still going through. Have a look around the forum - use the search bar to find existing threads which relate to your own circumstances and read what others have done to help them. The most important thing I can add is to keep reaching out - you have taken the first step by posting here and that cannot have been easy. You will hopefully find this a very caring, compassionate and supportive community where people do actually get what you are going through. So welcone to the forum @Fox3 

If you have any questions please ask - you are most welcome to tag me at any time.

[greenpea]

@Fox3 Hi Fox3 and welcome to Forumland. I am sorry you have to endure this current perdicament that you find yourself in. Just know that you are not alone there any many Fox3s out there to varying degrees. Endured the public system and yes it sucks and is highly inadequate. Went through severe depression which lasted a year before I was diagnosed finally with bipolar 1 and schizoaffective disorder.

Has your gp suggested the BOMH plan to you? It gives you 10 (?) free psychologist appoints a year and more if required. Something to ask next time you see him/her.  Dont worry about age you will find mental illness hits those regardless of age I am in my 50s.  You are doing the right thing taking your medications seeing your gp and soon your psychiatrist. These are all good. Unfortunately mental illness takes time to recover .... I liken it to a roller coaster ride ... there are ups and downs and upside downs, nothing is ever straight forward but whatever happens you can never give up as you are stronger than the illness which will eventually go. You are stronger than it never give up. 

Just a thought when you see your psychiatrist see if you qualitfy for a Disability Support Pension that will help you with costs of medications and day to day expenses. We all hear your pain here there is always someone on the boards to listen to you. Love greenpea.

[Appleblossom]

@Fox3 

Dads matter

Gently Bently with you

in the mean time ...

[EternalFlame]

Hi @Fox3, I'm glad you're reaching out here.

I can really understand what you're going through.

I had an attempt on my life back in February. This happened after a really bad bout of depression I was going through at the time. After my attempt, I realized that if I am ever going to move forward and get better, that I had to make some changes. I started with going to a different doctor. The doctor I was seeing before didn't seem to have my best interests in mind, and I no longer felt comfortable discussing my mental issues with him.

It sounds like that you may need to discuss your medications with the doctor, if they are making you feel worse-off or really ill. Unfortunately, it can take several attempts with different medications in order to find the right one for you. Some medications may work, while others won't. At the height of my depression, I got an increase in my medication, but it made me really ill and spaced me out something terrible, so I had to come back down to my usual dose. 

Trying to get support from other people can be a tricky one, as I am currently finding out now. Let's just say I opened my big mouth and I've got mysellf into major trouble with some relatives of mine, who I thought were there for me but they really aren't.

I've found that writing out my feelings does help reduce some of my pain. I like to write prose and free-form poetry when I fall into a slump, or when something bad happens. No matter how small the step may seem, just taking the first step can mean a world of difference. So if you feel like you need to change to a different doctor, or seek help from another organisation like Salvation Army, Lifeline etc, please do. Listen to your intuition.

🙂 

[Fox3]

Thanks @Zoe7 @greenpea @Appleblossom & @EternalFlame for your kind & supportive posts above. Had my first psychologist appointment last week & another later this week. My anxiety and depression today like most day's is working overtime. This illness has me turning myself inside out & outside in. Hiding myself away day after day so I don't have to see or talk to anyone (the dreaded comfort zone). Going to an anxiety & depression group meeting tonight for the first time for sufferers & careers. A little anxious but not having any expectations. Just feeling out the water, can't hurt see how we go. I have to do something about my selfesteam & enthusiasm before I slide into the blackhole of no return. Small steps for now 😕👍

[greenpea]

@Fox3 Hi Fox3 well done for making the effort to go to the psychologist and even more so planning to go to the group tonight. That is wonderful. I hope it goes well for you. Let us know how it goes 🙂

[Appleblossom]

Glad to hear you are taking those small steps. @Fox3

[jackson12]

@Fox3 I can feel how raw your emotions are. I'm a dad like you. I've made every bad choice there is too. I'm alone and know how much worse having no one to talk to, being adrift.. It's crippling. I know depression and anxiety, and the way you've described getting through the day. I've thought about taking my life many times, and have self harmed. I understand the shame that goes with those actions and thoughts. My point is I can relate to you and your pain, and know how bleak and black things can feel. Keep going to the support groups brother. There's no better help than hearing from others in the same boat. 

Believe me, the positive action you're taking is something to be proud of. It takes bravery to get up and take another step. It takes self awareness to realise there has got to be more to life. And there is. 

I don't know anything about your relationship with your kids. I do know that while I haven't been a very good dad, my little girl wants me to be better. 

There are people here who understand. Keep posting please.

I'm only starting to try to get better, so I can't offer advice. I can only say that taking action and reaching out is the best decision you could have made. 

[Shaz51]

morning @Fox3

thinking of you this morning , love to hear from you , hope you are ok

, @jackson12