Friends, Family & Carers Forum

[PixieLove]

Hi there.  I have been wanting to join a support group for many years and finally realised tonight that there would be something online lol.  Last night I had a huge fight with my mother over the phone and I really need to let go.  I may go on for a while.  Sorry.  My story... well.  My mother is 64 and I am 44 and she is quite a complex woman with I would say dual diagnosis personality disorders together with depressive disorder, eating disorder and anxiety.  Ever since I was a child my mother has been a compulsive liar, had an eating disorder, suffered episodes of mania and depression.  She is irrational and gets very angry very easily.  She manipulates the world into believing that she is the loveliest person in the world who "wouldn't hurt a fly".  And my favourite "my children have put me through hell and back".  She is always "sick" with her last being a major heart condition and always seeking sympathy.  She is a closet drunk and if she sees anyone with anything she likes she thinks not only does she deserve it but it should get given to her.  She gets insanely jealous and will tell the whole world whatever stories about me and my sister to get sympathy or help.  She has manipulated money out of everyone she knows and doesn't pay them back but will go on holidays to see the same rock star, to places she can't afford then cry poor me.  She is a victim always and when I had a miscarriage she didn't even give me any sympathy just talked about her own experiences.  My parents don't even know I was sexually abused because I was worried about how they would take it.  Trust me the list goes on and on.  One of the most wonderfully dramatic things she has done I suppose was when I was 15 she left my Dad for my boyfriend whom she had been secretly seeing.  Then the day we moved out he moved in with us.  This was all done with the only words being said to me were "you know how we feel about each other".  Yep and she manipulated him to stay for 13 years.  She has always denied their relationship always saying they were just friends but she is so delusional she didn't even think that we all knew exactly what was going on.  Not only did he make it so gloating all the time, but we all lived under the same roof.  Needless to say that I was a very angry teenager and have suffered from a long term undiagnosed depressive illness which I have been self medicating with pot since I was a teenager. until recently.  Don't worry I have sought out help for years trying to understand her or work out how to make things better.  Even when I was at uni I would have lengthy discussions with my Behavioural Science lecturers about her.  In the end it was much better for me just to live away.  Now we are back living in the same town.  As I have some knowledge through my studies and my work which has helped me to understand and accept her, I am still a person and last night I just lost it with her.  I totally lost my cool and yelled at her down the phone to put her straight that what she was thinking and accusing me of was totally delusional and not real.  Sometimes I wish she would actually hurt herself so we can get her some help.  I know that sounds harsh but I know this is going to get worse as I have been monitoring her since returning home.  I feel like I have done so well in healing as much as I have from her neglect, manipulation & emotional abuse but sometimes like tonght it feels like the angry teenager just needs to be let out.  Thanks for letting me rant.  Not sure if it's helped me yet or not but I would love to hear if anyone else has something to share so I don't feel so alone.  

[Appleblossom]

I had a tricky relationship with a very neglectful mother.  Whom eventually I found was very manipulative and not as genuine as I first believed. I am learning to forgive myself about being too naive and used by her.

I think it is terrific you studied and have got some wider perspective on her.  My sister did Welfare studies and we talked about it a lot, then I did psychoanalysis and social theory.

I see anger as a normal emotion a lot depends on the circumstances, but not everybody agrees with me. It certainly can corrode our insides if we keep it in, but how we let it out matters.  I oersonally believe an honest direct message on the telephone is needed sometimes and can protect things from getting violent and nasty, but it all depends. For one thing you can know that you have not lied about treu feelings and issues.

I am fairly new to this forum and I hope you get some benefit. So far it has been a good experience for me. I believe it is the diversity of responses that are the best thing about peer to peer support.

Good luck

[Linmerc]

Hi PixieLove

I like your name and a warm welcome to the forum.

I'm sorry you had a hard time in your youth with your mother. Please do not let her bring you down and unnerve you - don't give her the satisfaction. Feel sorry for her that her life is the way it is, learn from it, and make sure you don't make the same mistakes. Feel proud of all your accomplishments (big or small) and the healing you have done along the way.

You are never alone and you can rant on here whenever necessary. Sometimes it's best to release your pain and writing about your thoughts on this forum helps.

I wish you the very best in getting over your pain.

Stay strong!

[PixieLove]

Thanks Appleblossom.  It's ironic because I teach people how to use music to validate and express themselves in a safe and effective way.  Anger is one of my favourite topics.  

[PixieLove]

Thankyou for your support Linmerc.  Tomorrow I have a group of adults with intellectual disability who I play music and sing with.  They will melt it all away and I will once again stand on solid ground 🙂 

[Appleblossom]

Good on you. Anger is part of our life force.  I was taught by a gestalt therapist to hit a bean bag with a basball bat when i was 24. I though it pretty weird at the time but being obedient and understanding the concept I tried. I it took a few more years to actually reach my anger, but i dont feel guilty about anger per se, as I was slow to it and had to part with hard earned cash to be told that was what I needed to do.

I thought of doing the music therapy MA and spent time at Yooralla. It is important work. It broke my heart being there but my physical issues mean I am not quick enough to deal with that kind of work. I loved "Musicophilia". I put a lot of therapy insights into my straight teaching and music groups. I am fine with a bit of hard rock if a student needs that to go along with scales and a bit of Bach.

[Linmerc]

Hi PixieLove

I am glad you have found an avenue where you are able to release your pain. It's a wonderful sensation within as the pain 'melts' away and you can feel your better-self returning.

Singing is a wonderful feel-good tool to use and I use it often. When a good song comes on over the radio, I turn up the music and sing and bop away. I'm not a good singer (my kids will confirm this) but I don't care, it makes me feel good. I also play music whilst doing housework, somehow dusting doesn't seem too bad whilst I am singing and dancing away to a Beatles tune.

Please keep us updated and remember you are not alone, we all understand you.

Stay strong!

[Acacia]

Hi @PixieLove,

Welcome to the SANE Forums.

Thank you for your sharing your story. You’ve been through so much with your mother – I think your anger’s completely understandable. I also think it’s great that the work you do helps it melt away. Music can definitely be a healing force in our lives.

Looking around the Forums, you’ll find there are a few members who have challenging relationships with their mothers.

@lololili has recently been going through a difficult time with her mother and has shared her story here.

This thread from a few months ago is about @Jes_riot 's experience trying to encourage his mother to seek help. @jes_riot, I’d love to hear how things are going now. Perhaps you’ve got some ideas you could share about what helped, or even what didn’t help?

@Impala posted here about supporting her mother who lives with bipolar disorder.

@Impala , @lololili, @Jes_riot, can you relate to @PixieLove ‘s feelings of anger and frustration? Do you have any thoughts you’d like to share about caring for a mother with a mental illness?

Your stories are all unique but I really respect all of you for your patience and willingness to forgive and be there for your mothers.

Acacia

[PixieLove]

Content/trigger warning

Well my Music Therapy group worked really well at giving me strength.  She is at me again as I type but because she has chosen messaging, I am going over every word so carefully so I set boundaries without buying into her anger and attempts at manipulation.  I really need to find her need to constantly try to make me feel guilty for not being the doting best friend daughter to her, funnier.  I think this episode is going to last for a while.  It's been going on, without me knowing, for a while now.

[PixieLove]

Sorry if this is an overshare for this group but I'm up by myself and my blocking my Mother's every move has quite predictably led to her threat of suicide.  Right now I'm not concerned about her.  It's her pattern.  Right now I wish I could talk to my Nunna.  My Nunna is my Grandmother, my Godmother and my Mother and she has dementia.  Whenever Mum would do stuff.  Ever since I was a kid I would go to Nunna.  She lived next door for the first 15 years of my life.  She and Nunnu would hold me whilst I cried then talked to me in a way that parents to do console and educate their children.  They love me unconditionally and they are my world.  Nunna would always help me make peace with God that I was doing the right thing.  It makes me sad that I can't talk to her but I can always just cuddle her and talk to her and she will still get it.  I just can't hear her words of wisdom coz she can't get them out.  Through her being in a nursing home and me working in a nursing home I have met a lovely lady who I think I will ask to be my spiritual console when I need it.  My work in Music Therapy has helped me accept my Nunna's dementia really well but there are times when I really wish I could have her back.