Lived Experience Forum

[Tranquility]

Hello everyone,

I am new here and this is my first post. I have been struggling a lot particularly for the last couple of months. I have always had some struggles with what could be described as anxiety and depression (never been officially diagnosed), but the last couple of months have been brutal.

I have been just coasting through everyday. I am not particularly interested in anything including things that I used to love. I am just kind of waking up, existing, and going to bed. I can sleep for 4 hours or 10 hours and I wake up tired. This past Sunday I spent the entire day in bed until finally forcing myself out around 8:30pm. My school semester is quickly spiraling out of control as I am doing just enough to get by which also wasn't the case. My appetite varies radically. I will go a few days and barely feel like eating anything even when I do notice feeling hungry. Then the next week I eat all of the terirble food I can find (all the while thinking, eh what's the point).

Sometimes I feel terrible about certain things, and other times it seems to be about nothing in particular. I just walk around with the "what's the point" whenever I try to do anything. In the past I have had times where it was bad, although this episode has lingered longer than most others. 

To give an example, I have recently moved into a new apartment about 6 months ago and my dog is not with me, he is living with my parents. During this whole ordeal I have become painfully obsessed with him getting older and eventually passing on. I honestly don't think I could live without him. I spend hours searching the Internet about how people deal with pet deaths. (Even though I have no real reason to suspect he is about to pass away). He is the only thing in my life that seems to brighten my day up anymore. 

My roommate works odd hours so or schedules are frequently opposite. I cannot stand being in my apartment. No pets, no significant other, half the time no roommate, it is terribly depressing. My sister was recenty in town for a short visit. After I dropped her off at the airport I was relegated to the couch for the remainder of the weekend as I was terribly sad that she was gone.

I seem to overanalyze every single thing in my life past, present, and future. My mind seems to like to think worst case scenario about everything, even memories I can't completely recall. I have convinced myself that I have done something wrong or bad before, even though I was explicitly told no, you did not. My brain just runs through the infinite what if scenarios.

Alcohol seems to numb the pain initially although if I drink too much it goes the other way. Then the next day after drinking my feelings plummet even worse than normal. I punish myself for doing it and then a day or two later, I am back at it searching for the momentary timeframe where I feel like a normal person again.

All of this has just left me feeling completely hopeless. Like I will never get out of the funk or be happy again. Every now and then I seem to briefly snap out of it momentarily and recognize how ridiculous this all is and how I can't believe I let myself obsess like that. Then 10 minutes later it is back to square one. Half the time I think I am just anxious about being anxious again which as you can imagine, makes me go through everything.

I have only seen a doctor and a psychologist one time in the past about it. I was given some medicine. Don't really remember if it worked. That was a few years ago. Never been back as I usually think that they will try to minimize my feelings or potentially just not believe me. 

The most guilty thoughts I have are about death. (Not planning on killing myself). But the thought that one day we all pass on is the only real comforting thought. That it has to end at some point.

Thanks for taking the time to read my post if you made it this far. I hope everyone is doing well.

[Jayneinpain]

Hi Tranquility,

I am new, too. I identify with absolutely everything you have written. I'm afraid I can't offer any answers but I can just tell you you aren't alone. 

I have tried counsellors and medications. They help for a bit but nothing seems to turn the feelings off. I want to feel happy again and be excited to jump out of bed in the morning like i used to. I have tried suicide but, for reasons no one really understands, my attempts failed. And, besides, If I'm not here, how will I know if I feel better afterwards. I won't be here to experience the happiness and companionship I long for.

I really feel that until you have experienced that extreme feeling of alone and chronic loneliness, you can't understand it. I lie in bed of a morning thinking, "seriously, do I really need to get up? What for? However, I do get out of bed and go through the motions of a 'normal' day and then want to go back to bed by 10am.

I believe there are a lot of us lonely people out there but somehow we miss each other on the street. Maybe it is because we are all so busy trying to look and behave 'normal'.

Anyway, please know that you are not alone. Let me know if you want to chat.

[utopia]

@Tranquility. I think it's important to find a good psychologist and a psychiatrist,  to properly diagnose you and to help you with your treatment options. 

It's hard going through anxiety and depression with support behind you.  Yet you are doing it on your own.  That must be really tough. 

[Tranquility]

@Jayneinpain Sorry to hear that you are struggling as well. The trying to appear normal is a big one as well. It is strange walking around feeling like this, but on the outside appearing normal, like nobody arond you knows at all. It makes it feel all that much worse, but I typically don't want to bother the people around me and make them feel like they need to act differently around me, so I just act as if nothing is wrong. It is somewhat comforting knowing that I am not the only one (although that seems selfish as I would never wish the feeling on anyone).

I think one of the more frustrating parts is how fragile the mind seems to be in the middle of all of this. It seems so easy for something to happen and send the anxiety soaring. For example I got almost no sleep the night before last and was exhausted when I laid down last night. Around midnight I would imagine is when I was falling asleep, and BAM!. I heard what sounded like a male scream and a few loud bangs like something heavy being dropped onto the floor in the apartment above. I obviously jerked out of sleep. But I am not sure if it actually happened, or my mind was just playing tricks on me in the weird in between awake/sleep state. I listened carefully after I was fully awake and there was nothing. Their dogs weren't barking, just silence. It left me terribly confused and anxious. Read online about things like that happening to others and it isn't uncommon and physically harmless. But it has still left me anxiety ridden all day today so far. I am also now worried about going to sleep again tonight.

@utopia I have been going back and forth over therapy for the last month. I am just not sure. Although I am not really sure what I am waiting for. It should be clear by now that sitting around waiting to wake up one day without the issues isn't working. My brain just hits me with all of the "what ifs?". What if therapy doesn't work? What if the therapist doesn't believe me? What if I get put on medication that makes it worse? What if no medication works? I realize that sounds completely irrational and how would I ever know without trying. And in reality there isn't much to lose. But when I get close to trying to go that is what happens.

[utopia]

@Tranquility That doesn't sound odd at all.  It sounds like anxiety.  Our negative self talk can sometimes be so overwhelming & unfortunately,  we tend to believe these doomsday negative talks.  It's about trying to learn how to ignore that voice - to tell it to p**s off.  Not easy,  but it can be done. 

That boom you heard,  I get that sometimes too.  To me it sounds like a large explosion,  but not only do I hear it,  I see it too.  I see the flash of light,  very bright.  Yes it's that stage between sleep and deep sleep.  Often my whole body jerks awake.  But since knowing that it's normal and not harmful,  I don't get anxious about it and can fall asleep again quite soon. 

[Jayneinpain]

@Tranquility

I think you have to be ready in yourself before you start therapy. I have had some really negative experiences and some that have literally saved my life. I once had a psychiatrist go to sleep while i was talking about my problems! Not a great way to feel understood 

When the time is right and the person is the correct compliment to you, the experience can be very rewarding. Don't get me wrong. It can be hard work but well worth it if it brings back your smile, even for just a little while.

One of the things i had a lot of trouble with was related to my experiences growing up. I had been abused as a child and it left me with a lot of emotional baggage that meant i hated being in a small room with someone i barely knew, going through an emotionally disturbing time and then having to go back into public after an hour or so and behave like nothing had happened. Once I got a therapist who could understand that, things went a lot easier. Another problem can be that you only get a limited number of visits with your treating prefessional and, for me, that can put pressure on the conversation and time frame. However, as i said before, when it works it can feel like a whole load of dead weight has been taken from your shoulders.

The weights turned into butterflies

I wish you well in your journey.