Lived Experience Forum

[Former-Member]

Hi, I am new to this forum and recently new to accepting the label of mental health issues, though my time on this earth is certainly not new.

But finally getting some answers and  perspective is new. There seems to have been such an explosion in understanding of emotional distress and trauma including PTSD and neurological proof of the impacts on the brain of early neglect and environmental dysfunction.

I am trying to work out a succinct way to express my story, but I can't; so will suffice to just start with the surprise and disappointment at encountering the stigma of suffering from mental health issues as I have to an increasing degree over the past 8 years. The trigger was loss of relationship with my adult son. I was attending a church and saw people in prayer ministry who increasingly laid blame on me, i.e. have to pray continually, not feel sorry for myself, finally trying "deliverance ministry" on me as well as trying to get me to "speak in tongues". This was not some way out religious cult, but was an evangelical Anglican church, though these two women were of a pentecostal/charismatic background. One of the women told stories of how "God said this or God said that" to her as she continually promoted herself as being close and special to God.

Now I was a "new Christian" having embraced the idea of Jesus' love and grace through a Christianity Explored course I did in the UK and where for 4 years I received nothing but inclusion, acceptance, hospitality and respect with nothing at all "weird" or charismatic. I do have to say at this point I had grown up in the Jehovah's Witnesses religion until I left at 36 years of age, and could not bear anything to do with the Bible or religion for many years, and had been rigorously indoctrinated that such things as "speaking in tongues" had died out with the early apostles and disciples. However, the idea of being "demonised" and "attacked by demons" was very much a part of the use of fear and control to keep people "toeing the line". I started to believe everyone thought I was "demonised". I was working full-time in a fairly new job, having returned to Australia and was able to compartmentalise the church experience. I also wrote a letter of complaint to the minister about my experience, to which she responded by inviting me to meet with her, but basically it was a "fob off".

I am afraid that is all I can say at this time, but the rawness, pain and injustice I feel at how I was treated at that time is still with me. Whether it echoes a time of my mother's conversion to JW's when I was 3 years of age is a big question. She embraced the religion as one who is a fanatic, and she and my father argued about it alot. This was in the 1950's and she referred to him as an "opposed husband" and seemed to derive a sense of worth in being a martyr to his objections. An aunt told me one year he put up Xmas decorations and she ripped them down - this happened 3 times. I don't remember it but I do remember us arriving home in the car, my father must have picked her up, and they were arguing then hitting eachother. Next thing we were at a phone box (mother, me, two younger sisters) as my mother to her sister (also a JW) about how she'd "pulled his hair". My previously mentioned aunt told me my father had "ripped the phone out of the wall" and that was why my mother was at the phone box. All I know is that I used to pray silently to Jehovah in case the devil heard me and used what I said against me. When I was older, I remember being appalled as I accompanied her "witnessing" and she got into an argument with a householder, eventually leaving with her triumphant words, "We'll see who's right at Armageddon!!"

If anyone has got this far, thanks for reading.

[pip]

Dear @Former-Member. I am so sorry you had this feeling of 'alienation' over the loss of relationship with your son. Can I ask if he has passed, if that is too painful to answer, I'm sorry for that. I once belonged to a church who refers to themselves as Christians. My marriage failed last year after 25 years, I too was 'blamed'. My minister actually informed me that I should have tried to understand him more than I did. My ex would run whenever his parents called. My minister informed me that parents are important and their needs as they age have to be paramount. My in-laws, judged me, questioned everything, my MIL (narcissistic), FIL chauvinist. My hubby basically allowed them free reign to abuse me whenever. I was continuously advised to 'pray' regularly. Another regular piece of advise was to 'place my concerns on the cross'. All this means, to me, is, if Jesus can and will 'fix' everything, why is there still so much suffering?. Sorry, but I find that hard to believe. I was also informed that, according to the bible, our lives would be fulfilled by suffering. Anyone who has lost someone, either by suicide, heart attack, old age etc, questions the validity of that. Too many questions, no answers. No-one is to blame for anyone's mental health. However, the more understanding, education regarding this debilitating illness, the better the chances of helping the suffering majority. For a JW to be as violent as your mother, what was the church teaching?

[Former-Member]

Thanks for your response pip. In my outletting above, I need to clarify a couple of things such as the fact that religion or a faith can be a huge comfort indeed, a reason to keep going as I believe it was for my mother, and one of my sisters. The need to remain in a black/white mindset is also necessary for some, it is just the damage done to recipients of their judgemental expressions that is so un-Christlike. Undiagnosed mental health issues run rampant in my family, and your reference to narcissistic personalities certainly describe my mother and sister (and ex-husband). However, having gone through my "breakdown" which happened gradually after my son withdrew from any relationship with myself and his two brothers because "it was too painful" has taken me on a long journey of education, healing and forgiveness.

It took a major operation and 5 years till I completely burnout and needed to retire early from my job as a case manager in aged care, then followed breast cancer, surgery and radiation treatment. The Royal Commission and their trauma-informed approach was like an answer to a prayer, as though I functioned, even blossomed in tertiary study after I left my marriage and the JW religion at 36 years of age, emotionally I was still a child living in "freeze" for my life up until then. I have come across the term "Stepford Christianity" and it describes JW's perfectly, or the role a woman plays as obedient wife and dutiful mother. So with 14, 10 and 5 yo sons, I could not have predicted how challenging it would be on my own. My JW family did not disown me, but I was living elsewhere geographically and so had no support and no friends, a naive 36yo out in the world.

When I qualified as a new graduate I could only get work in child protection, but because support and supervision is well provided, I was good at my work, and assessments. And loved my sons, and always had their best interests at heart. With the current approaches to anxiety and depression of Mindfulness Meditation, ACT (Acceptance & Committment Therapy) and as someone described, the paradigm shift currently happening in the mental health field away from the US individual deficiency model to the more UK & European psycho-social "person in their environment" approach, with many workers having "lived experience" it is encouraging and less judgemental.

I have seen some vitriolic information by ex-JW's but also some objective and straightforward comments and experiences which have felt supportive in my own healing. Also having read an excellent book about being a daughter of a narcissist, I can see how that has impacted. But the place where I am at with my two younger sons has given me much more compassion for my mother in understanding she did the best she could, and tried to compensate, still in a disempowering way, but she did try as she got older, for her mistakes. I also see the reasons for my ex-husband's inability to be able to connect, and accepted with almost horror that what I felt i.e. that I was just someone - an anonymous female - to be used and abused for his own purposes, a cook, cleaner, sexual recepticle and mother of his children - was all he was capable of and that certainly my perception that after 18 years he was incapable of changing, was correct.

This probably seems a ramble, so I will finish now. I suppose what I wanted to say is that I have moved through most of the time, victim, loss and grief, still going through things popping out of my mouth that I didn't expect, difficulty with interpersonal relationships, anger at "religious" people who are anything but Christ-like, particularly when someone is suffering from mental health issues and so hypocritical when the words of some of the hymns are about those who are vulnerable "coming to Him" and the church for healing.

[pip]

Hi @Former-Member. Thank you for the reply. I too am a survivor of breast cancer/radiation. May I inquire if your ex hubby followed any sort of religious faith? Your description almost seems to suggest some sort of religious rite on his part to 'use' you as a 'baby maker' among other needs he had? Years ago when I was growing up, the Catholic faith followed a non-birth control belief where it was considered against His will not to re-produce. Many pioneer men held the belief that women (particularly spouses) were there for the same purpose. These men would frequent brothels when their wives were unable to participate due to menstruation. The church I belonged to held the same beliefs as JW's in that women put their hubby's at the 'head' of the household and every decision finally made is the husband's by right of gender. Women are 'permitted' to have a say, but men have the final say. I too, forgive my mother for her continued hurting me, and through learning what she went through with my dad, plus my marriage failing (initially I self-blamed for that), I now value me more than I did. I also forgive my ex in-laws and ex hubby as I now realize their values and mine are totally different. My ex was raised in a family almost similar to the Royal family. I was like Diana coming into a family where 'family' (parents) ruled. My ex FIL had a saying, where if he told you something and you questioned how he knew the answer, he would reply, 'I'm a man, and men 'know' these things'. Initially I laughed but after hearing this several times, it stopped being funny and became chauvinistic. I might add my in-laws followed a similar religious belief where he was 'head'.

[pip]

Hi @Former-Member. I fail to understand where so-called religious people have the right to question anyone who questions what the church tries to teach. The teachings really belong to 'yesterday'. In today's society, there is so much controversy and a different way of life. Even marriage as it was, is no longer. More and more people are choosing to live in relationships, minus the 'certificate' giving the 'permission' to do so, freely. Many couples both sexes, choose to commit to each other by celebrant, rather than the conventional wedding. Church people seem to completely rely on the Word of the bible to 'back up' their arguments. LGBT is (according to the church) not normal? LGBT is normal to the LGBT, they don't judge non LGBT's the only judges against, is so-called religion. I have no issues with LGBT's in many ways they seem to make more loyal friendships because they are more genuine. The people posting on these forums are also truly genuine, seeking help, guidance, comfort etc. I found church people to be cold, judgemental, distant, 'clicky', In order to be 'accepted', by the church, you seem to have to 100% agree with everything and not question anything. Sorry, I can't do that. Don't mean to ramble, nor cause you hurt, just basically reiterating what you're saying re; religion.

[Former-Member]

Hi @pip Sorry to hear of your struggles in life.
Life can be very hard and unfair at times. We are survivors. 😀💪💕

[pip]

@Former-Member. They say life was never meant to be easy. Was it meant to be this hard though?

[Former-Member]

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@pip wrote:
@Former-Member. They say life was never meant to be easy. Was it meant to be this hard though?

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Dear @pip sorry to hear your discouragement after your supportive words to me. Another chestnut is God doesn't give your more than you can carry, and have felt that to be so untrue. This is only for me, and what has helped, when my counsellor who also had a hard time with religious people, suggested was to keep away from church as it just triggers the trauma. I believe God is there with us though whether we want him or not. I have come across Christian Meditation and though I have to travel 30 mins each way, we meet once a week and there are some lovely women, only one goes to church and we have 30 mins in silence. They know very little about my life and there is no discussion of doctrine which was also doing my head in. I did a mindfulness course and have exercises I can use regularly and particularly when overwhelmed with thoughts or feelings. I have been in a place were I thought I deserved to die, but that is just a thought, and thoughts are not facts. Also getting involved through a local service doing an ACT course where others with MH issues participate. I was going to GROW but it is a bit far to travel, but that helped for a while.

Hope this doesn't feel too prescriptive, I can only share what has brought about a slow turning in my downward spiral of 8 years. Also at the dentist the other day, she commented how surgery can take it out of you - Yes, I said, physically - also it affects the mind, she said from the point of view that one does not have the same energy to look after oneself (she was talking about the teeth). I have also been going to a Womens Wellness Circle which is twice a month for women who have had any sort of cancer. Initially I was triggered by everyone and everything, but they continued being kind and we get to try out different alternative therapies. We did equine therapy with horses a week ago, out in the country. It was an uplifting day.

The important thing is that religious people do not reflect what Jesus or God are like, often the opposite, though of course there are some truly beautiful souls who are also religious. You are in my thoughts.

[pip]

@Former-Member. Don't worry about me, thanks I'm actually better and stronger through my learning to trust in myself and my abilities to accept what I can't change, the ability to change what I can, and the wisdom to know what the difference is, Serenity. I actually did learn much through the church. Mainly I was the only one who could sort my situation out. I discovered what the saying 'give it to the cross' meant. I found most church goers firmly believe God 'speaks' to them. I feel this is your inner self speaking. I was told often, prayer works. To me, personally, the real guidance, support, love came in the shape of my now bf. Some people hold tight to the belief they 'hear' God's voice. If this brings them comfort, more power to them. Whatever works for you is where your strength comes from. Some people refer to God as their 'higher power', as I said, if it works and helps, go for it. Most religious people do put their own connotations on the bible. This is done to justify their right to question other's rights to believe what they choose. I feel you and I could be friends as you respect me for who and what I am, I respect you the same. Respecting your fellowman is not real big with the church. They seem to be too busy trying to change the world.