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MG1990
Contributor

New user and hope someone will listen

Hi i wanted to say i can empathise with you completely,

after losing my mother in 2014 to cancer after a 21 year battle i was left with a sense of nothing, the person i had worried so hard to become was feeling like a total loss, a waste of time, i feel like the only place i want to be is with her, when you lose someone that's not only a parent but my soul mate, she knew things before i knew them, and to be adopted and have that taken from me i am angry, I cant talk to anyone because all my friends have never seen this side, the side of rocking back and forth on the floor sobbing and sobbing and not being able to control myself, the wanting to die but knowing in my heart i couldn't do that to my dad and sister and partner, no one see's every is so judgemental i was always labelled "the dramatic child" i found recently some documentation about myself when i was yrs old, i must of gone for some sort of psych analysis as i don't remember any of my childhood, and i read the parts about how lonely i was and how everyone hated me for being dark skinned, the parts where being under the covers of my bed was my favourite place as i called it my safe place. I have always believed there was something wrong with me and have done so much to help try to understand it. I just need help, i need someone to help me i need my life back, i know i am on this earth to make a difference but i cant......every employer has sacked me "we don't care, your not filling the requirements" these are the days i want to just end it.....

I have so much i have done but its always the same temp relief and then the horrid feelings come back

I have been so so many medical practitioners and no one has help so far, im on medication but I've got fat and just crap and everything. The feeling of wanting to revisit a past habit has been looming over my head but then the amount of effort i put in to get myself away from that....im afraid i will let myself destroy everything

11 REPLIES 11

Re: New user and hope someone will listen

Welcome to the Forums @MG1990.

I'm so sorry to hear what you've been through and how difficult things are at the moment. It sounds like you had a wonderfully close relationship with your mother - it's natural that the grief of losing her is feeling overwhelming right now. Please remember that grief tends to come in waves - in time this wave will pass and there will be some calm.

It must be difficult to feel as though you can't talk to anyone. Sometimes people can be more understanding than we imagine; and it sounds like you have people in your life, like your father and sister and partner, that really care about you.

You've mentioned wanting to die. Please know that if you are feeling this way, support is available - it's not something you have to go through alone. If you don't feel able to talk to friends or family, the following services are available 24/7 and have both telephone and online chat services:

Lifeline: 13 11 14 (chat available 7pm-4am AEST)

Suicide Call Back Service: 1300 659 467

It's quite common to try lots of different practitioners before finding the support that works for you. Do you have any professional support at the moment? I'm glad that you're still reaching out, as you've done by posting here today. Please stay safe today and let us know how you're going.

 

 

Re: New user and hope someone will listen

i just want to be in a job where they understand that im not lying im not making it up, just becuase on the outside i look fine doesnt mean i am.

 

I feel like i have a problem with my brain, i just need help...my family is a difficult situation

Re: New user and hope someone will listen

@MG1990, sorry you're suffering so much. Losing someone so close is like having half you body removed. Walking is hard. I have lost 3 pregnancies, a sister, a 13yo child & a husband. Understanding the grief process & my personality pattern of coping was important to get through. You need to be gentle with yourself. Filter what goes into your soul & what you're exposed to. Guard your heart. You are not a label to be shoved in a box, you are sensitive, caring, compassionate, expressive... probably very creative with the rare ability to read hearts & show great empathy. Hold strong through this chapter of your life & you'll be able to help so many people.

Your description of your childhood indicates to me that you may have C-PTSD (complex post traumatic stress disorder), some prefer to see it as the less helpful term BPD (borderline personality disorder). This means you don't cope with stress well and need to engage in proactive stress management. I'm talking to myself when i tell you because i have C-PTSD (or bpd) which already tips the stress scales just with the internal stress we have. The death of a loved one so close is a massive life stressor, what you're experiencing is normal given the full circumstances. It's so hard 💕If i can survive it anyone can.

Read about grief, find grief counselling, pray, walk it of, eat lots of vegies & soups, risk showing your friends how you feel. Continue staying away from self harm & substance abuse - that's a slippery slope.

I'll post a write up on the processes of grief next post, so you know what you're feeling is part of the journey, and what to expect next. You just have to get through it.

Rock & cry all you need to. Start a scrapbook of memories of your mum (when you're up to it).

Big big hugs precious. YOU CAN DO THIS 💕

Re: New user and hope someone will listen

THE 7 STAGES OF GRIEF:
Thoughts & feelings you'll bounce around / revisit for at least two years after a major loss.

SHOCK & DENIAL-
You will probably react to learning of the loss with numbed disbelief. You may deny the reality of the loss at some level, in order to avoid the pain. Shock provides emotional protection from being overwhelmed all at once. This may last for weeks.

PAIN & GUILT-
As the shock wears off, it is replaced with the suffering of unbelievable pain. Although excruciating and almost unbearable, it is important that you experience the pain fully, and not hide it, or avoid it, or escape from it with alcohol or drugs, this will only delay and complicate healing.
You may have guilty feelings or remorse over things you did or didn't do with your loved one. Life feels chaotic and scary during this phase.

ANGER & BARGAINING-
Frustration gives way to anger, and you may lash out and lay unwarranted blame on others. Please try to control this, as permanent damage to your relationships may result. This is a time for the release of bottled up emotion. 
You may rail against fate, questioning "Why me?" You may also try to bargain in vain with the powers that be for a way out of your despair ("I will never drink again if you just bring him back...")

"DEPRESSION", REFLECTION, LONELINESS-
Just when your friends may think you should be getting on with your life, a long period of sad reflection will likely overtake you. This is a normal stage of grief, so do not be "talked out of it" by well-meaning outsiders. Encouragement from others is not helpful to you during this stage of grieving.
During this time, you finally realize the true magnitude of your loss, and it depresses you. You may isolate yourself on purpose, reflect, and focus on memories of the past. You may sense feelings of emptiness or despair.

THE UPWARD TURN-
As you start to adjust to life without..., your life becomes a little calmer and more organized. Your physical symptoms lessen, and your "depression" begins to lift slightly.

RECONSTRUCTION & WORKING THROUGH-
As you become more functional, your mind starts working again, and you will find yourself seeking realistic solutions to problems posed by altered life. You will start to work on practical and financial problems and reconstructing yourself and your life without...

ACCEPTANCE & HOPE-
During this, the last of the seven stages in this grief model, you learn to accept and deal with the reality of your situation. Acceptance does not necessarily mean instant happiness. Given the pain and turmoil you have experienced, you can never return to the carefree, untroubled YOU that existed before this tragedy. But you will find a way forward.
You will start to look forward and actually plan things for the future. Eventually, you will be able to think about your loss without overwhelming pain; sadness, yes, but the wrenching pain will be gone. You will once again anticipate some good times to come, and yes, even find joy again in the experience of living.

You have made it through the 7 stages of grief.
_________

Recover-from-grief.com
_________

Re: New user and hope someone will listen

I have been one 1 mental health plan but my financial situation is really not supportive of me not being employed, Centrelink don’t care for helping me so I feel helpless.........my mind is so confused I cant focus on anything and I have panic attacks and also have no idea of time management all things I never had a problem with before

I have been one 1 mental health plan but my financial situation is really not supportive of me not being employed, Centrelink don’t care for helping me so I feel helpless.........my mind is so confused I cant focus on anything and I have panic attacks and also have no idea of time management all things I never had a problem with before. My life just seems so pathetic and useless, I hate everything and my fiance and i are at breaking point,

 

 

 

Re: New user and hope someone will listen

@tant its been a pretty full on life

 

I have experience a number of traumatic events some self inflicted some out of my control but i can definalty say this last experience of losing my world aka mum has been the last straw, im not suicidal but how i explain it is if i was in a accident and needed to fight fo rmy olife i woudnt i simply would slip away, i love my family but they dont get what mental battles i go through just to get dressed and have a shower and get out the door, it can tkae me 5 hours to get up for work and be ready when i could have done htis in 1 hours previoulsy.

I wnated to be a youth worker, i wanter to share my life and save another, be a survior of my traumatic experiences andleave htis victim behavouir behind me......but no one helps, i have a partner who is an addict and refueses to admit it and thats really hard when ive been there and ive got myself out of it and to watch someone in so much denial is revolting but saddening aswell. the person i loved is no longer there. so ontop of everything else i have his problems as well

 

 

Re: New user and hope someone will listen

@MG1990, good to see you. Its a cold reality to be aware that most the pain in our life was self inflicted. For me its mostly internal, how I interpret & respond / react to circumstances. And yes, some pretty shake destructive ground in behaviour & relationships. Its kind of 'life' really.My hubby could never understand why things upset me. He'd was flippant & would say 'thats just life' Its not what i wanted to hear from my love but he's right in the sense that life is not fair, shit happens, a d we must not react but respond, with dignity. Its the human condition to mess up, just have to be humble about it & forgive & keep the love, maybe. Easy to say.
Glad you're not suicidal☺
Sad you don't connect so well to your man these days.drug do change us. It must be hard to not walk away. Talk with him.. Drugs are a culture I'm so glad my son manage to to not get caught up in. You've done so well to avoid it, especially when under so much stress, you must be strong like your mum. I'm sure she's watching over you.
What are your plans for the rest of the day?

Re: New user and hope someone will listen

MG 1999. Hi there! I'm new on here and just want to let you know, I'm here if you need a chat. Sorry you're going through a really tough time. 😢
I've had alot of traumas happen in my life.
Been so down that I just want to stay in bed all day. Cried so much etcetera.
It does get better if you get the right help.
I hope that I can say something helpful.
I really do understand, life can be very tough sometimes.
Feel free to chat anytime.
You can and will get better in time.
Be kind to yourself, rest, maybe watch a good movie when you can. A happy one.
Cry if you need to. Tears are healing. 💜

Re: New user and hope someone will listen

@Former-Member @Former-Member

Animals I find are the biggest healing aids, my 4 legged companions are my life the guilt I've felt for not being the best owner I can be is huge and I know they know I'm not ok. The PTSD symptoms have traumatised my life looking at mum in anyform is a trigger and the pain is overwhelming my body is not suffering I'm overweight and obesity is on its pay I was a healthy 8 fit ate whatever not body obsessed before but now going on 14 I hate it I'm fat and I feel horrible I hate who I am and what over become. My ability to mask almost every tell is amazing I've perfected it. Tull I get a job and I csnt do it I've lost all ability to rememeber anything
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