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Re: Please help me with my BPD son

Hi @Saddened 

It very hard being between a rock and a h... place. As mums we are often in those positions, but take heart that he can follow through and completed study.  I tiptoed around my son for a long long time. Yes and physical issues started to plague my brother after he acted out.

 

Your son has definite financial skills so I would be going zero financial support. He is no fool. Only give if you thought it was for a specific project that had long term viability. A lot of people who study at uni are not sure what they want to do or mainly do it to fulfill social expectations.  I know paid staff at the zoo where I volunteer began in management or finance and became disillusioned with corporate life and moved into conservation.  Maybe that is me pushing my values, but money and a car is not everything.  I wonder what other things might move him.  My children  never bought a car, though my daughter has a bought a house.  Your son is still on the younger side of adulthood.  Maybe he needs time to reassess things now that he is obviously not a good fit for his trained vocation.  Those skills might come in handy in other jobs ... he might need more outdoors or self employment options ...

 

Shame is a hard thing to negotiate.  Not sure how you can help open doors, but without male role modelling and relationships it is hard for some to find their way. Try not to give up hope.

 

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Re: Please help me with my BPD son

Hi @Appleblossom 

 

I am trying to be hopeful especially when i hear that people try to make a differnece for themselves eventually seeking guidance and help. 

Can i ask what was it that made your son and brother finally seek help? I am hoping my son will agree to get help some time soon.

 

 

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Re: Please help me with my BPD son

@Saddened 

My son is not a big "help seeker", but episodes forc. ed his hand so he has to accept some. He is more resigned to it, than impressed by the helpfulness of the the helpers.  He felt and still feels I over value the "system" which might be true/ I have changed my tune a little and acknowledge limitations  ... its a fine line to walk ... for every human really. None should have to live totally isolated.

 

I try and keep the system honest. It is the least I can do.  My best advice is not to presume the system has all the answers ... just a hand  ... its better if some answers come from your son ... better for his own ego development ... we all have to let go so some arrogance but find what is essential within ... focus on the collaborative ethos and vision of the services.

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Re: Please help me with my BPD son

Hi @Appleblossom 

 

Thank you for sharing your thoughts and experiences. It has given me some understanding that what we might envisage a resolution is not always seemingly suitable to a difficult situation. Maybe we have to ride the wave as they say and just do the best that we can.

Thank you again for listening and sharing.

x

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Re: Please help me with my BPD son

hello and hugs @Saddened Heart

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Re: Please help me with my BPD son

hello @Saddened , hope you are ok 

 

heart-png-butterfly-6.png

 

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Re: Please help me with my BPD son

Hello @Shaz51 

Thank you for the message. I’m not really ok. I’m not in a good headspace and haven’t had the capacity to even respond. Things just seems to be getting worse. My son’s instability is more prevalent  and he is easily triggered into an episode. Quite often I think it is a psychotic episode as his paranoid ideation is getting worse and more frequent. His anger and frustration is also less controlled.

He consistently has it in for me and anything close to me. He is mentally and emotionally abusive and I’m at the point now that I’m constantly nervous around him and scared of what he may do to me and anyone close to me. He has a history of violent outbursts and we have called the police before not just for the violence but to get him some help. He continues to refuse help and acknowledge his condition. He says I need help and have the mental problem.

Of late I am always scared and more often than not wanted to call the police. Not because he is physically violent at the time but to prevent a violent situation as before and to get him some involuntary help. His outbursts are worrying and frightful as is his irrational thinking.

To give you an example of late. My home was broken into the other night whilst we were asleep. My bag and car was stolen. He believes I planned it with my partner of 17 years who doesn’t live with me by the way, he believes we orchestrated the robbery to set him up he says in one breath and in the other to put his life in danger. There is more but no need to be specific. So for the last few days I’ve been on the receiving end of all sorts of accusations, blame, emotional abuse and it goes on. He wakes me in the middle of the night with this behaviour and accusations and he sends me texts all day with the same allegations. It’s exhausting, worrying, frightening and I feel scared. Most importantly I want him to get help even if it is against his will. So today I was to scared to come home. His texts where endless. I did call 000 and indicated I didn’t know whether I wanted police or ambulance. The police came and a nurse later. What was the outcome ...? Nothing. They couldn’t do anything because he wasn’t physically violent even though they were aware of his history of violence, even though they could see I was shaking with fear. One officer expressed his concern about him being left with me as they could well see his agitation and his non sensical conversation with them. They were worried but couldn’t do anything about it. Even the suggestion from the officer to get an AVO for my safety he deemed pointless as he believed my son wouldn’t adhere to it. So they called a nurse for assessment. The outcome of that.... nothing. In 15 minutes she was able to make an assessment that he didn’t need to go to hospital. That he would be recommended to the acute mental health team for follow up. That’s it. I asked them does someone have to get hurt before anything can be done?? There answer was if you don’t feel safe call us again... but I don’t feel safe I kept saying. My son needs help I told them. Again they say if you feel threatened call us again.

So they all left and my son sat there and laughed at me and thought he “won”. To only continue to berate me and pace outside my locked bedroom door where I went for safety intimidating me.

To say I am disheartened at the legal and mental hospital system is an understatement.

So here I am. Locked away in my bedroom scared. I have a 25 year old son who lives with me and if he is home, although I’m still scared it gives me a little comfort he is listening and watching out for me.

To go and stay at my partner’s who only lives 4 doors down from me with his adult children, I can’t even consider without worrying about putting them at risk, which may I add they have already been victim to his accusations and abuse.

I’ve lost all hope and given up.

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Re: Please help me with my BPD son

@Saddened  Hello I am not a carer but do have some experience I have been diagnosed with BPD although it is kind of complicated but anyway basically if it is BPD the main treatment is to do DBT therapy medications can sometimes help but they are not the main treatment and can only help with some symptoms. You can do DBT through different avenues one is public but that usually requires being part of a public treatment team and there is usually long waitlists. The second option is to do private DBT this gives you some more choice as well as you can do it with a professional you are choosing. Private though is expensive and could easily cost a few thousand dollars. Basically though for me it was a group session each week as well as your own private session with a psychologist. The group was one that allowed and encouraged family members to come and it was good as it meant that family was learning the new skills as well and it is much easier to have things work of 2 people in the household know what is going on. It is a long process though mine was 19 weeks but I have heard some going up to 30 weeks or sometimes more. The best way I can describe the therapy is finding a different way to communicate that makes it easier to get your needs met on both sides which then has a flow on effect of making the relationships less volatile. Idk if anything I have said is helpful but also remember it is ok to set limits he is an adult and it is ok to look after yourself even if he is struggling. 

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Re: Please help me with my BPD son

Hi @Eden1919 

 

Thank you for your advice. Any advice I gladly appreciate.

I am aware of DBT. I have done so much research on BPD I think I have possibly overloaded on information in relation to the illness. I am currently doing a Family Connections program for carers although I’m only 3 weeks into it, which teaches carers understanding BPD sufferers and how they think and skills for carers to help manage it. I didn’t know however that DBT therapy was open to family members, I only thought for BPD sufferers and it may well be another avenue for me to explore. It would be good though if I could get my son to attend such therapy even if I have to pay for it be it I really cannot afford it privately but I’m quite desperate and willing to do anything right now to get some help for him and myself to better things. Sadly my son doesn’t believe he needs therapy. Momentarily he might agree however in the next breath he says there is nothing wrong with him. He has tried seeing psychologists, less than a handful of times however “no one knows what they are talking about”, “there is nothing wrong with me”, “everyone else has the problem”, these are my son’s words.

I’m willing to do anything really if it helps the situation however will things really ever get better?

I guess I have reached the point as has my younger son that no therapy is going to help us especially as my BPD son refuses therapy for himself. Deep down and I’m embarrassed to say we no longer want him living with us as we are both struggling emotionally and mentally with the situation. Although having said that I’m also aware my BPD son also has his own emotional struggles that are difficult for him. I’m also aware that he can’t help his thoughts and actions however at what cost to my younger son and myself will all this have. My daughter left home on a count of her brother because she couldn't cope with his moods and also because he got physical with her. She can't even visit me in my own home because her brother has paranoid ideations about her and makes threats if she was to come visit.
This is mentally taking it’s toll on us and we find ourselves sick with stress and worry and depressed.

It’s awful to say I wish my BPD son would leave. I know he can’t afford to go anywhere. He has no job and no money. He can’t hold a job and he can’t save money. Most of it goes to cannabis and I have no idea what else. He pays no rent, no bills and I have food for him all the time. However I don’t think I can do this anymore. Nevertheless it doesn’t matter what I want. He won’t leave and I guess the only way is to do it through the legal system. What will be the repercussions of that scenario though? I’m scared to instigate anything. I try to set boundaries only to have it trigger him into an episode.

I’ve thought of selling my home and downsizing to force his hand to leave however what will the outcome of that be? Another trigger? Another episode? I don’t really want to sell my home however I feel I have no choice. I’m desperately looking for ways to remedy the situation for everyone involved. I feel now I’m at the point that I need to look after myself and especially those affected around me. If my son doesn’t want help or at least try to address his issues I can’t keep going on like this. How will it change? I genuinely feel I’m having a nervous breakdown. I feel sick. I know it’s not only about me and of course no one wishes to see their child or adult child suffer within themselves and struggle however how much more can one take and at what cost to themselves and others? I don’t mean to sound dramatic but I genuinely feel scared and anxious all the time now. I have isolated myself not wanting to. I have no will to see anyone as I’m drained and I won’t even see my partner 4 doors down. Thankfully he is very understanding.
If someone refuses help and instead continues the only way they know how long can one tolerate their behaviour? How do you go on when you want them to leave and they don’t? How do you cope with being scared all the time? When and how does it ever change? Clearly he has violent tendencies. We have had such episodes. Do we wait for someone to get physically hurt again because someone can’t control their anger?

Realaistically how does one deal with it?

 

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Re: Please help me with my BPD son

ohhh sending you lots of tender hugs @Saddened  xoxo

Thank you soooo much for being here my @Eden1919 , you are awesome xoxo

Hello and hugs @Appleblossom@Jupiter@greenpea 

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