Lived Experience Forum

[feilig08]

Hello everyone! My ex boyfriend was diagnosed with somatic symptom disorder and depression. He is experiencing different symptoms for almost two years and this started a month after we started our relationship. Can our relationship be the cause of his SSD? I did nothing but support him and give the attention and encouragement to get better, but he says that thinking at me and loving me makes him this way. Nothing bad happened between us. He has this stomach pain that never disappears and many other depression symptoms. He started cognitive behavioral therapy so we broke up for 2 month because that was suggested to him but he is not getting better. 

I really can` t understand why this happened. And i blamed myself for doing this to him and making him like that although i never wanted. That got me depressed and for a few months I was feeling just like him, i couldn `t eat, couldn`t sleep, couldn` t concentrate on my work because it was that blame and that hope that thing will get better and we can both be better. I really hearts that we love each other so much but can` t be together because that hurts him.

Can I be the cause of his suffering? Or what can cause this? Did anyone experienced this and how did you get through this?

[Mazarita]

Hi @feilig08, welcome to the forums.

I am not familiar with somatic symptom disorder. I just looked it up and found:

'Somatic symptom disorder is characterized by an extreme focus on physical symptoms - such as pain or fatigue - that causes major emotional distress and problems functioning.'

This would seem to be the main reason for your ex-partner's problems, not that you caused them. It's possible that being with anyone in a relationship might trigger feelings of illness in him.

Aside from this, I believe everyone, even those with mental illness such as your ex (and myself), are responsible for their own feelings. I think it's dangerous ground when we accuse others of being the cause of our problems, as your ex seemed to do with you.

I feel for you with what you have been through, and are still feeling now. I truly hope you can find some relief from blaming yourself for another's problems. You are not the cause of them. You deserve better than this. I can only hope that the loss of this relationship ultimately provides healing from a situation that gave rise to illness in you.

Do you have anyone in 'real life' who you can talk to about what you've been through? I wonder also if you might benefit from the help of a psychologist. If you were interested in having this kind of support, the way forward there would be to visit your GP and talk to them about it, asking for a referral for some Medicare-subsidised sessions under the 'mental health care scheme'.

Wishing you well.

Kind wishes, Maz.

[feilig08]

@Mazarita Thank you so much! I am a little bit better  right now, but I am constantly thinking of him and hoping that some day, when he gets better we can be back together. I have support from my friends and family but it just feels like they don` t get it. They told me to move on and stop thinking of him, but it `s really hard because i love him. This is why I started the topic, to talk with people who had experienced this.

A friend of him told that whenever she gets close to someone she has anxiety so he started thinking that and linking his symptoms to me so now he says that when he is seeing me, talking to me, thinking of me he has this stomach pain. He said that is not my fault and to stop blaiming myself but he unconsciously links all of this to me and this is what has worsen his condition. He is not taking his medication but he goes to cognitive behaiviour therapy and he was suggested to take this pause/ break up. 

I understand that he needs space and I want him to get better with all of my heart, but at the same time I wish some day we will be together again.

Last time we broke up in april, and we had no contact for a month. And in this month he wasn` t getting better, he was the same. Then he wrote me a letter to apologize to me and we spend the weekend together. After that we talked and decided to stay apart until both of us get better (I was really worse back then) and see what we will do with our relationship after that. A few days after that he called me, encourage me to get better, to eat, to sleep and he told me I had to get better but without him. He also told me that after that he wants to see each other again if i want that too. But he was so vague, i really don` t understand what he wants from us, i think even he doesn` t understand. He told me he loves me and will always love me, that i am an amazing persone, that i am an angel and he want a wife that is like me ( but probably not me).

Now I struggle because i constantly think of him and that maybe some day we will get back together and i don`t know how to block this. 

[feilig08]

@Mazarita Thank you so much! I am a little bit better  right now, but I am constantly thinking of him and hoping that some day, when he gets better we can be back together. I have support from my friends and family but it just feels like they don` t get it. They told me to move on and stop thinking of him, but it `s really hard because i love him. This is why I started the topic, to talk with people who had experienced this.

A friend of him told that whenever she gets close to someone she has anxiety so he started thinking that and linking his symptoms to me so now he says that when he is seeing me, talking to me, thinking of me he has this stomach pain. He said that is not my fault and to stop blaiming myself but he unconsciously links all of this to me and this is what has worsen his condition. He is not taking his medication but he goes to cognitive behaiviour therapy and he was suggested to take this pause/ break up. 

I understand that he needs space and I want him to get better with all of my heart, but at the same time I wish some day we will be together again.

Last time we broke up in april, and we had no contact for a month. And in this month he wasn` t getting better, he was the same. Then he wrote me a letter to apologize to me and we spend the weekend together. After that we talked and decided to stay apart until both of us get better (I was really worse back then) and see what we will do with our relationship after that. A few days after that he called me, encourage me to get better, to eat, to sleep and he told me I had to get better but without him. He also told me that after that he wants to see each other again if i want that too. But he was so vague, i really don` t understand what he wants from us, i think even he doesn` t understand. He told me he loves me and will always love me, that i am an amazing persone, that i am an angel and he want a wife that is like me ( but probably not me).

Now I struggle because i constantly think of him and that maybe some day we will get back together and i don`t know how to block this. 

[feilig08]

@Mazarita Thank you so much!

I am a little bit better right now, but I am constantly thinking of him and hoping that some day, when he gets better we can be back together. I have support from my friends and family but it just feels like they don` t get it. They told me to move on and stop thinking of him, but it `s really hard because i love him. This is why I started the topic, to talk with people who had experienced this.

A friend of him told that whenever she gets close to someone she has anxiety so he started thinking that and linking his symptoms to me so now he says that when he is seeing me, talking to me, thinking of me he has this stomach pain. He said that is not my fault and to stop blaiming myself but he unconsciously links all of this to me and this is what has worsen his condition. He is not taking his medication but he goes to cognitive behaiviour therapy and he was suggested to take this pause/ break up. 

I understand that he needs space and I want him to get better with all of my heart, but at the same time I wish some day we will be together again.

Last time we broke up in april, and we had no contact for a month. And in this month he wasn` t getting better, he was the same. Then he wrote me a letter to apologize to me and we spend the weekend together. After that we talked and decided to stay apart until both of us get better (I was really worse back then) and see what we will do with our relationship after that. A few days after that he called me, encourage me to get better, to eat, to sleep and he told me I had to get better but without him. He also told me that after that he wants to see each other again if i want that too. But he was so vague, i really don` t understand what he wants from us, i think even he doesn` t understand. He told me he loves me and will always love me, that i am an amazing persone, that i am an angel and he want a wife that is like me ( but probably not me).

Now I struggle because i constantly think of him and that maybe some day we will get back together.

[utopia]

@feilig08. I also had to look up this condition. And now what you wrote about his friend saying relationships cause anxiety which causes pain. That makes sense now.

His condition has nothing to do with you at all. It is 100% his mental illness.

Your family don't understand, because it is such a unique condition. And most people who have not experienced mental illness struggle to really understand what it's like.

Have you researched this condition? Have you spoken to a specialist in this disorder?

So you know there is no 'cure' for this condition. CBT will help him. BBut he needs to practice this throughout his day, every day. He may be  able to learn to manage his symptoms, but he will never be free of them.

We love who we love. I understand that. But just because we love someone, does not mean that we should be with them. If the relationship is not a healthy one, then it is worth stepping away. This doesn't mean you stop loving him. Just that you won't be his girlfriend, or future wife. I'm sorry.

If you are really determined to stay in this relationship and he doesn't get triggered by you, and he agrees, then I suggest that you go to therapy, so that you will have support. As often you may end up being his carer.

[feilig08]

@utopia He is going to CBT, and his therapist told him to take a break until he gets better and I agreed. That was at the end of march. Apart from that I don` t know what else he does at therapy. When I asked him what his therapist is saying about that he said that they are just talking and he tells what happens in his life. Once I suggested him to go together to therapy in order to solve out this. I thought that if I am the problem in his mind, then maybe it will help. But he got angry and scremed at me to leave him alone. He never did something like that before. A month later he apologised for that by a letter saying he blamed himself for this. Since February he received medication for depression, but there are weeks when he takes them and when he doesn`t.

He only has this friend, he isolated himself from everyone. Even with his parents he isn`t in good terms even if they live together. And this friend is constantly telling him to stop seeing or talking to me so he will get better. I am not jealous or anything by her, but I think that telling him all this time that I am the reason made him belive it and unconsciously liked me to his pain. I talked with his psychiatrist and he told me that he is just seeking a magic formula to blame in order to get better, and blaming me was all that remained and that he will never get better if he ignores the real problem. 

But i just don` t get what was the real problem. Until starting dating we were colleagues and he was never like that. And i can`t understand what made him like that.

Now I just have to wait to see when he will decide to speak to me again. But it`s really hard to keep distance.

[utopia]

@feilig08. I can understand him not wanting you to come with him to his therapy sessions. These sessions are very private. For many people with mental illness, it can be hard to talk about the past, about what occurred. By having someone else there, it may feel like it is no longer his safe place to open up.

With regards to why this occurred. Because things were different when you were just colleagues. His problem isn't about you at all. It is about relationships and how having a relationship is triggering his Somatic behaviour. So it doesn't matter whether he was dating you or someone else. It's the fact that he now associates relationships with physical pain. Stomach pain or other pain. It is part of his mental illness. There is and wasn't anything you could have done to  have made the outcome different.

He doesn't hear you. He can't. He is absorbed in his own mental disorder.

His one friend telling him not to see you, again is not about you. It is about him and his health. He cannot see you and not have these symptoms. And being his friend, she wants what is best for him. And right now, that is no relationship.

He is not taking his anti depressants. It doesn't sound like he is really engaged in getting better. Maybe one day he will. Maybe not.

But this relationship causes him physical pain. And it's causing you pain, by not accepting that you two cannot be together. It won't happen. I'm sorry to be so blunt. But I'm not sure that you really do understand his disorder.

So love him. Wish him well. And let him move one.

You too need to move on.

[utopia]

@feilig08 And as I said before, there is no cure for his disorder. There are only ways of being able to manage it. But that therapy can take years. And not everyone is successful in therapy.

Some people find CBT to be really helpful. Others get nothing from it. So there is no guarantee that he will be able to manage his reactions.

The kindest thing you could do would be to write him a final letter. Tell him you love him and you want him to feel better. So you won't be seeing or writing to him again. Otherwise, you both will just keep inflicting pain on each other.

Please go and talk to a counselor of your own and express the pain you feel.

[feilig08]

@utopia Maybe i don`t totally understand his condition. I am not saying I want him back now. I understand that he needs his time to recover and i will stay away from him and not contact him because I don` t want him to suffer.I was just strange for me when he told me that his stomach pain beggins when he sees me or is with me. I can` t totally understand because I never experiences and never seen someone with something like that.

But is there any chance that one day he will stop having those symptoms with me? Or is it going to happen with any relationship he will have?