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Razzle
Senior Contributor

Struggling

I have posted this elsewhere on the site, but I think I had put it in the wrong spot, I’m still trying to find my way around the forums.  After reading other

peoples stories I know I’m not alone out there, it would just be nice to connect with someone who completely understands where I’m coming from.

 

Hi everyone, I’m new here.

My thoughts are a little scrambled at the moment, I hope I make sense and don’t come across too confusing.

I have kept a lid on my past experiences for almost 40 years, pretty much ignoring every thing that has happened, but this year my past has seriously affected my day to day living.

My story starts at age 8.  I was sexually assaulted by a group of 4 boys.  One of these boys got to me a couple of  weeks later and did it again.  I was too young to understand what had happened, I didn’t even have a word for it back then.  I never told a soul.  

When I was 10 I was holidaying with my family and some friends of the family.  The oldest son of our family friends used to do stuff to me that made me uncomfortable in the pool.  When I saw him near the pool I used to get out but sometimes he would be in the water before I noticed him there.  When we got home from holidays I was with a group of friends, this boy was also there, and we were playing inside an old abandoned water tower.  As the group left I found myself alone with him and I was sexually assaulted, although the details are a little sketchy.  This was the first time I “stepped out”.  I remember I was in a boat on a lake, I felt very warm and calm.  I looked around and I was totally surrounded by water, but I felt very safe.  When I became aware of myself again I was on the train tracks walking away from the water tower.  I had thongs on and I was in the middle of a bindii patch and the prickles were sticking into my feet.  This boy was the son of my mums best friend and once again I never told a soul.

My mum was a cub leader when I was a child and the assistant cub leaders father in law moved out from America and lived in a granny flat out the back of their house.  This man along with the rest of the family became great friends with my family.  He only had 2 grandsons and I became his “adopted” grand daughter.  His family ran a business and had a holiday house on the coast that they used to go to at least once a month, the old man never used to go though.  This was his time to carry out his sexual abuse that lasted for about 12 months.  I was 11 when he started.  He continually threatened to end my parents life if I ever told anyone.  My parents thought I was just going to his flat to have lunch with him, they never knew of the abuse.  It got so bad and I couldn’t see an end to the abuse, I thought my only option (in my 12yo brain) was to get rid of him.  I made a plan to use something from the kitchen, I had even planned where I could hide a change of clothes in a vacant block on the way to his house in case I needed to change.  As it turned out, I found out that the family had bought a business in another town around 300kms away and they were leaving.  I decided to just wait it out.  At the time, for me I could see the end coming, for him he was running out of time so he ramped things up A LOT.  Not that I understood back then but now I know that I was never given enough time to fully recover from injuries before it all happened again.

During my abuse with this man, I began “stepping out” again, particularly when he got violent.  Just as the pain got bad I would find myself in the boat, only becoming aware of myself when I was outside the flat walking home, when my brain decided it was safe enough to come back.  I couldn’t actually stop myself going to the boat, unfortunately I couldn’t make myself go there either, so there is a lot of terrible stuff I do remember during my time with this man.

I tried to commit suicide when I was 18, and again at 20 - 1 month before I met the person who would later become my husband.  I told him a little about the abuse but not everything, no names or any real detail.  I had a bit of an issue with drugs as a teenager, but that all stopped before it became a real problem.

My husband and I went on to have 3 children (something I thought would have been impossible) but we lost our middle child in a car accident when he was 9yo.  There was an occasion in the following months when things were so terrible I “stepped out” again, that’s the last time it has ever happened. That was 12 years ago.

Last year my father died, it all happened very fast, he was diagnosed with cancer and 6 days later he died.  Hours before he died I had a huge falling out with my sister in law.  That night I confided in my husband about what had happened and he sided with her.  We have been in marriage counselling since the end of last year.  It was during this counselling that I started getting terrible anxiety and my past started to bubble to the surface, our councillor now sees me weekly on my own to help sort through all the abuse.  It’s been pretty brutal going over all the past events while also watching my marriage disintegrate.  Add to this my 19yo son came home a month ago to tell us he and his girlfriend are expecting a baby.  My mother has dementia which is progressing rapidly and I am pretty much her carer as well at the moment.

Everything became too much a few weeks ago and I wanted to end my life, I didn’t go through with it but every day is a huge struggle at the moment.  My anxiety is crippling at times, I cry myself to sleep most nights.  I swing from being highly emotional to feeling absolutely hollow and empty.  I can’t get my thoughts straight and I can’t see it ever getting better.  Is there a light at the end of the tunnel or is this how it’s going to be forever?  I don’t know how much more I can take.

45 REPLIES 45
Elin
Senior Contributor

Re: Struggling

Hi Razzle, you story did make sense. It was horrendous what you have been through, no child should ever have to endure abuse like that. My journey was nowhere near as bad. I am just new to this forum and I am not sure where to post either. I think the scars remain in our minds forever but the recall and nightmares gradually lessen.

Re: Struggling

@Elin  Thanks for your reply.  I’ve never had anxiety before, it’s just a feeling of complete dread, like something’s going to happen even when I know it won’t.  

The last session I had with my councillor I had to pull over the car and jump out before I completely emptied the contents of my stomach.  After I was sick, for the first time in about 9 months the anxiety went away, until the next day when it came back worse than I have ever had it.  I thought it couldn’t feel any worse, and then the next day it ramped up again.  I just want this feeling to stop

strong
Senior Contributor

Re: Struggling

Hi @Razzle

You have done incredibly well to tell your story. That would have taken a lot to be able to do so.

i am sorry for what happened to you, your incredible strength is what has got you here.

 

You will have days where you feel overwhelmed and understandably so!

The fact you are seeing a therapist is so good to hear. Putting your hand up saying you need support is another mark of your strength.

 

You do eventually see a light at the end of the tunnel, the tunnel just might be a little longer than some to travel. But, that is the key, once you are in the tunnel, keep moving, eventually the light is there. It might just be a pinprick, but keep moving, it does get brighter.

 

Please believe in your strength, and keep talking and reaching out.

 

Re: Struggling

Hi. Hang in there. I have experienced the same sexual harrassment too and it messed up my entire frame of mind about life and relationships. But I continue to find ways to be hopeful because my family needs me. I know it is hard, and I may not understand exactly what you feel or you've felt, but take time to take care of yourself and allow yourself to breathe. It is overwhelming, but step away for a while so that you can go back with a clearr mind. Understand there is always a way, a solution, and it is ok to seek the help of the people who care most about your well-being. There is a light at the end of the tunnel.

Re: Struggling

@strong @_sunshine_, Thankyou for your replies.  After reading through the forums I can see I’m not alone here.  I have never experienced anxiety before, even while I was going through the abuse, or even when I lost my son.  I’ve always been the strong one, the person that held it together and kept everyone else together.  Now I can barely keep a straight thought without feeling like my heart is going to explode.

I have no support at home, have only confided in 1 friend.  She has never been through anything like what I have, she can only offer a friendly ear, which at times is better than nothing.

My councillor has been great.  I thought going to see him was going to offer up all the answers and “fix” me, but that’s not the way it works.  I’m wiped out for days afterward, sometimes I regret opening the can of worms, but he assures me this is all normal and that things WILL get better, I just can’t see that at the moment.

The only thing that helped alleviate the anxiety a couple of weeks ago was that I ripped the lid off a bottle of scotch and skulled (not the whole bottle, but far

more than I would normally have consumed). It worked, I was pretty much a blot on the couch for the rest of the night, but I was going out of my mind up until then.  Unfortunately it was back the next day only worse, so even though I’ve been tempted since, I haven’t done it again.

There just doesn’t seem to be any escape at the moment.

Re: Struggling

Hi @Razzle

I can hear how much you are struggling atm.

i can completely relate to how you are feeling that there isn’t going to be an end to the anxiety.

 I would say it is only in the last month that I have seen a pinprick of light. 

 

You are doing well to recognise that what seem to be quick ‘fixes’ atbthe time, often aren’t good at all long term.

 

Please believe you are working hard on seeing that light, I can hear that.

Re: Struggling

@strong, Thankyou for the support.  Had a session with my councillor today.  Had to see him in his home town, not mine (he’s only at my home town once a week and is usually pretty booked up here), so it was a looong 540km round trip.  

It was another brutal\emotional session, left it feeling sick to my stomach, at least I didn’t need to stop on the side of the road and throw up like the last few sessions.

Anxiety hasn’t been as constant today, it’s been coming in waves, only when it’s not there I feel nothing, I’m an empty shell.  My councillor says it’s a shift, not necessarily in the right direction, or in any direction, but it is a change from the last few months.  Feeling nothing is still as shitty a place as being consumed by the anxiety.

It’s going to be such a long road ahead, it’s just exhausting, physically and mentally.  

I have another session next Tuesday, and then he see’s both myself and my husband for marriage counciling a couple days later - where we have to decide wether we continue or not, wether what we have (or haven’t) got is salvageable.  

It’s going to be a long week.

Re: Struggling

Hi @Razzle

That is tough having to travel quite a distance to see your councillor. I travel about 450km round trip to see my psychologist. The trip home is always hard, isn’t it? Too much time to think about the session you have just had.

i usually set up a playlist for the drive home and try and sing my lungs out as I drive as a distraction, do you have a good ‘method’ for getting you home?

 

I’m sorry to hear that things are so tough with your marriage. It is a positive thing that your husband has agreed and done some marriage counselling with you, there is a part of him that would like to make it work, or at least understand how this anxiety is affecting you.

i hope you can gain more outside support close to home, to help you through the rough patches.

 

Please keep talking, telling me how your travelling good or bad.

What your day involved. Anything 😊

Re: Struggling

Hi @strong,  yeah the trip home isn’t much fun.  I usually sit in my car for about an hour to calm myself before I head off, my mind is still racing and I’m a bit jittery straight after and I don’t think I’m in any condition to navigate traffic straight up.  

I listen to music all the way home too.  Up until yesterday I’ve had to stop to throw up, it’s a disgusting feeling.  I think I hold my breath a lot during the session to try and stop myself from crying (doesn’t work) and that leaves me with a headache.  I’m prone to migraines so I take pain killers for that and I think that goes a long way toward me being sick - along with talking about what happened with my councillor.

Crunch time for my marriage is next week, we have really been going backwards for a while now.  It was husbands decision to do it originally after I told him I was leaving last year.  I agreed to try but it’s been up and down, more down lately than up.  

I feel like my very-carefully-held-together life is a total mess at the moment.

I’m dragging my feet this morning, anxietys back, feeling very jittery, I don’t think I’m going to accomplish much today 

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