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Former-Member
Not applicable

The last time

This will be the last time I try to post here again. If it gets removed, it gets removed, and I refuse to come back. It has been a couple months since I last posted here, and this post will largely discuss why I left, as well as my ongoing battle with "mental health services" and services overall when it comes to my mental illness. As well as my ongoing struggle to keep existing full stop. 

 

In this field, the mental health field, ironically where we are demanded to talk and be open, censorship is a huge problem. This censorship is one of the reasons I left and a large reason why I don't engage with mental health professionals. Not that I have any options left treatment wise. 

 

The other is being undermined and patronised or demonised because of the complex trauma I have been through. People undermine what I have to say and the efforts I make to fix problems myself. This, to me, seemed quite prevalent during my time here when I was discussing my NDIS problems. I received a whole lot of "if you just do that" in "this way" then the problem will resolve. In my case, I had already done those things and it did absolutely nothing. 

 

Certain mental health topics come with being treated like a criminal or being patronised. I'm sure you all know which ones I am referring to. Censorship also applies here, can't talk about them openly without negative consequences that will bring more trauma to my life. People are unwilling to accept that there other ways to deal with these topics and that the way they are addressed should be individual and specific to the person. I'm tired of this censorship and being forced to fit into this ridiculous box, and I am tired of having to keep my mouth shut so I don't risk more trauma being brought into my life. No one should have to take that risk and it is unfair that professionals and providers expect us to do this, especially when they know that trauma is a risk factor itself and causes mental health to get worse, not "better". 

 

I am tired of having my life treated as if it is a game and a joke. I am tired of bending to other people's will and having to reap the repercussions of their actions and ignorance myself. I am tired of being told to talk, only to be told to shut up and that I'm not allowed to talk about that. Or no, you can't talk about it like that, its too negative and too depressing. I am tired of having professionals and providers, especially ones who moderate mental health forums, try to dress up what I have experienced, my truth, just so it looks nicer and more attractive. 

 

I am tired of being ignored because I don't fit into the expected presentation. I am tired of being blamed when I get worse because they refuse to treat me because I don't. I am tired of being expected to reach out to services that have failed me and ruined my life. 

 

I am tired of being told to stay alive. For me, that means I have to force myself to exist in a society and a world that hates me and treats me like less, where frankly, a lot of it couldn't care less if I die tomorrow. A world where I am deprived of human rights and the only solution to that lies in the hands of the people who deprive me in the first place. Often times it means I have to risk my safety and wellbeing because of how trans people are viewed and treated. 

 

And what do you know, I'm not allowed to say anything specific about that. Even in places where you would think talking about such things is essential, I have to be very careful so it isn't misconstrued and blown out of proportion, or just plain missed altogether. Most of the time the response is just something generic that I have heard too many times before, that makes no difference whatsoever. There have been other times where people didn't even believe me because I didn't present the way they wanted. They couldn't have cared less about why, that such things were normalised in my life so I speak about them as if they are normal. I know they're not but I don't choose to be desensitised towards them. That's just part of what happened. I am tired of being blamed and shamed for it. 

 

Is there any acknowledgement towards how negatively that impacts me? Any respect for me? No, there is none whatsoever. For me, continuing to stay alive means tolerating a forced existence of inauthenticity. I don't get to be who I am. I don't get to have human rights or a say over my own health and my own body. Most trans people don't. I wake up every day, I only get to see part of me whilst the rest is still trapped. I could fix it, but I can't because I'm not allowed to. That much isn't up to me, even though, like I said, it is my health, my body, my life. 

 

I am tired of having to put up with that. I don't see how anyone who has to, yet alone deal with all the other problems brought on by society and the law I have to put up with, and sit around waiting helplessly for them to go away, would want to live. But I'm not allowed to say that and I'm not allowed to talk about my personal struggle with that. If I do, I will get carted off in an ambulance or police car and be forced to talk to people who have themselves told me they don't care and to f off because I am nothing but a burden and waste of resources. 

 

But I can't say that either. That is construed as discouraging help seeking. As are many other things I would say. So just so its clear, if doing that actually does help you, do it. I have no right to discourage people from seeking help. That however should not mean I can't be honest and open about what I need, and what does not help me. It is probably hard to accept, but for me reaching out to crisis teams does not help because that symptom does not reside from a mental health condition, and being carted off to an environment where discrimination is almost inevitable, where several traumas occurred and where I would be forced to stop taking my hormone treatment is not beneficial to me in any way whatsoever. 

 

So I don't talk about much of anything that I struggle with anymore. I am on my own, and frankly, I would rather be that than twisted in that mess. People always tell me I am "so strong and resilient" for forcing myself to do this to myself. 

 

Mate, sorry, but that is not strength or resilience. It is the effect of being conditioned. Trust me, I know what I'm talking about as far as that goes, unfortunately. I despise it because it is unfair and unjust and it reminds me of my childhood that I cannot talk about. 

 

So, may I ask a question? I know I am far from the only person who gets hit hard by censorship requirements and being forced to exist in silence and inauthenticity. How do you cope with this problem? 

 

 

21 REPLIES 21

Re: The last time

Hey there @Former-Member  thank you so much for posting this, very real, honest and open. I am so sorry to hear of your experience with different services, being told you're a burden by a practitioner of any kind is simply not okay.

I am also sorry to hear the impact our community guidelines have had on you, you're definitely not alone - and I do hope some other members chime in here with some advice. It can take a while to for new members to post within the guidelines; I can totally empathise that it feels like censorship, but the guidelines were developed in collaboration with the community for the interest of forum-wide duty of care. Myself or @Lauz  can help if you need further info on this 🙂 We want to work with you to feel safe and heard on this platform.

 

We do hear how heavy this whole experience has been, we do not think you're a burden. We think your insight is very valuable, and your story is important. Keen to see what other forum members think too Heart

 

Re: The last time

Hey @Former-Member . It is good to see you again. I'm feeling a little reluctant to reply because I don't want to say something that may make it worse for you, but I didn't want to read your honest, brave post without replying too. 

 

I'm so sorry you've experienced all you have. I hear you and am very much with you as someone who has also seriously struggled to live within systems that add to trauma. 

 

I don't want to dismiss any of your experiences above. I read and heard all that you shared. I also don't want to make the longest reply ever, so I'm going to jump to the questioned you asked about how people cope with it. I'm going to use "it" to mean all of the ways systems in general can and do add to trauma.

 

Yesterday I was working with my counsellor on anger (it's a problem for me). We picked apart what was under the surface of my anger and one thing I identified was "the injustice of it all". By all, I included all the ways the system/s work as you mentioned experiencing above. We spoke about what fuels my anger and also about what keeps it to a workable level for me level (how I cope with it). For me, I cope by trying to find ways to use my experience for good and to make change. It is sometimes subtle, like telling a worker when something they've said hasn't landed well and hoping they consider it in the future. Sometimes it isn't so subtle like a submission I'm currently working on for the royal commission (whether I get there or not we'll see, but I hope to). Another thing I am doing is volunteering in a MH service that I feel really understands this stuff too and is aligned with my values. I give feedback often, which there are opportunities to do here. I also use my experience to sit with and hear people, like yourself, hoping very much that communicating a message of "I believe you and I hear you" helps in some, small way. 

 

Even though I can cope with it (enough) it seriously gets me down and twisted sometimes. I hate 'playing the game' and I hate feeling like I have to behave myself as I do so often when I am in contact with services or the system generally. But I do know that there are ways I can make it all work for me, and I guess I'm lucky in that I have reached a place where I feel I can tolerate it enough. I will absolutely put my hand up to say I recognise I have privileges that make it easier for me to do what I do, that I know others do not. I see how all kinds of factors may play into how and why someone struggles to find a way to cope with it.

 

You have a strong voice and I am sorry it has been silenced. I really hope my post hasn't come out as a way to try and put a positive spin on it. It's more sharing what I do to cope with things that would otherwise crush me. 

Former-Member
Not applicable

Re: The last time

Not at all @CheerBear and thank you for your contribution. Strange, the topic of anger and its fuel for me was discussed in great detail with my GP last time I saw her, and it has the same roots for me also. It took me a long time to be able to admit that I have anger and that it is OK to have it because its a part of being human. I struggled mostly because I'm not the type of person who has obvious and visible feelings. My GP is really the only professional I have met who does respect me and treats me like an actual person, and openly acknowledges that my lived experience far outweighs her knowledge about my problems and that its important to give me my place in my care. She said, when we were discussing these types of systemic problems and how they contribute to the way I respond, that it sounds like I am angry about it, and we discussed it further, which is important for me because I don't have much emotional awareness if you will. I'm not attached to emotions, especially not mine and it takes a deeper look to even reach the surface of them, beyond all that frozen defense I developed in order to survive what I have. I said well, I'm not sure, but whatever it is, it is a morality thing for me and it disturbs me that people seem to be blind towards how unjust this stuff is. It disturbs me that I am expected to act against my morals, and even worse, that doing so should have a positive effect on me and my mental health. That it erks me to be around people who are so ignorant, and who treat ignorance as bliss, and who fall for the smoke and mirrors. 

 

Anyways. Enough about that. You said you cope with it by making something good out of it and contributing to change. Unfortunately, I had the same vision for myself when I left foster care, I was going to go to TAFE to get certifications in community and youth services. I was faced with the problem that you need primary ID to apply, and I do not have any that is appropriate, and at the moment my state laws prohibit from changing what I do have unless I get a specific surgery. This surgery is something I plan to get and have tried to access relentlessly, but nonetheless have not been able to. This not being able to engage with "adult" activities has had an immensely negative impact on me and my mental health. I want litte more than to contribute to the betterment of the future and the health and welfare of the community and our youth, especially those who have been through/are going through similar things to me, and to make use of the horrible I have endured and continue to endure. 

 

I don't know when or even if I will be able to do that though, the law is the law and it rarely changes. Its slow when it does. Anyways, I would rather not draw upon such issues. Don't want to make it seem like I am ungrateful or shoving your advice away. 

 

Yes, it is hard to be silenced. Silence isn't exactly conducive with healing or improvement. But neither is engaging with harm, so...... Go figure. I despise having to choose between them. I can only gain so much from my own insight and introspection. 

Re: The last time

Anger is a strange one for me I think @Former-Member. I had a lot of trouble identifying that there were big feelings under the surface of it (fear and grief/loss were the others I uncovered) and then recognising and trying to process them. Anger motivates me, when it doesn't threaten to completely destroy me and anyone/anything I am around. Trying to tap into workable anger (and what's under the surface of that) is something I can see will be an ongoing process for me. It's interesting that you and your GP were having a similar discussion. I guess anger (or whatever is under that) would be a pretty common response/coping mechanism to some of the things that go on.

 

I remember reading about your experience with the ID. It's not right and it isn't fair and I can't even begin to imagine how completely shattering it would be for you. I can see from the posts of yours I have read, that you are passionate and that you have so much to contribute. To be shut down from doing so in the way you are, would be awful. To then be further hurt by systems you're trying to seek support from - it adds layers and layers. I wish the world was different. 

 

I didn't take any of your post as ungrateful. I really appreciate your honesty and openness. I think it's so important to have a space to 'be' and I really hope that you/we/whoever are able to find a way that this space can support you if that's what you're hoping for too.

Former-Member
Not applicable

Re: The last time

I don't consider myself to be passionate anymore. It got shattered with the tiny amount of hope and motivation I had when I left foster care 6 years ago now, and that and several other things happened. I truly thought that I finally had a future worthwhile, and that I finally had a say and rights for once, and that maybe that being able to have more control would mean I could give up the unhealthy sources of control I engage with. 

 

I don't think or value much of myself anymore either. Hard to when you aren't allowed to even be you to begin with. 

Former-Member
Not applicable

Re: The last time

And its hard not to ruminate about how much of a waste my life has been. I don't care for honking my horn, but I do believe that what I have to offer is rare, as far as being able to actually understand a lot of horrible and their impact, as well as my willingness to talk about them candidly without sprinkling sugar on top goes. It is depressing to watch day after day as that goes to waste and is replaced with forced existence instead, and one that isn't even true to who I am, and the fact I have no real choice in it makes it even worse. Never ending. 

Re: The last time

@Former-Member 

I hear your frustration around censorship and MH services.  

I am glad @CheerBear connected to you.

I was a ward of the state and can relate to your description of yourself as not having visible feelings.  I have been lucky to have music to help me manage.

 

In my internet searches I read a study that found those raised "in care" had the same amount of PTSD as war veterans ... 

 

I hope you find some way of making your life meaningful to you.

Just some pics ...

Smiley Happy

800px-Plutchik-wheel.svg.pngTrying.jpg

 

 

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Former-Member
Not applicable

Re: The last time

I'm not really concerned with my life being meaningful, I am quite a nihilist. I don't particularly care for purpose or anything like that. I don't need them. What concerns me is the lack of authenticity. Individuation. Being me, whatever which terminology you prefer. Particularly physical authenticity and having a true physical embodiment that isn't a literal threat to my life. Bodily integrity and bodily autonomy. I mean, I will always value my brain more but the reality is without a body we don't have a life and can't take our place in the world or show up as who we are to others. At least not very assertively. 

 

Former-Member
Not applicable

Re: The last time

And whilst I respect that other people have religious faith @BlackOpal  I'm an atheist and my beliefs are towards science and that what can be scientifically proven. Its an important part of my identity, especially considering my lack of having much of an identity in the face of inauthenticity and lack of opportunity for self-expression and all that I am deprived of. 

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