Lived Experience Forum

[Ateam]

I have been struggling with a toxic mother for all my life now. Her controlling, manipulative and emotional blackmail ways is becoming all too much.

I have just called her out on saying very hurtful things about my sister to me and I explained that I didn't appreciate her saying those things to me. Mum denied I said these things and put the blame on me, when I was sticking to my guns and sticking up for what I felt was right. Voicing how I was feeling.

I have PTSD over abuse that happened when I was much younger. I'm at a point where I can talk about it. Mum spent most of my teenage years, supporting the abuser stating it wasn't his fault, instead, it was everyone else, including me. I was then emotionally blackmailed to cut ties with my father whom I have been avoiding and have had no contact with for 10 years.

I have a little brother who is 5 (I'm in my 20's). I love, adore him and I can see the same thing happening to him. I try to be there for him but I hate being around mum because I feel like she is "brainwashing" me when I'm around her. She makes it look to everyone on the outside that she is a great mum but behind close doors she yells, shouts, screams and has the case of hurtful verbal diarrhoea.

My fiancé and I are getting married in the next 6 months. He wants nothing to do with her (I really don't blame him) and while he will never stop me from seeing her, I don't know if I want to see her and maybe draw the line there. But then I think of my brother who I love so much and I know he will be used as a pawn in this mess. Then I think about our wedding and get worried that no one will come because she won't be there. Will I miss her there? Will my life be easy without her?

My anxiety is going through the roof and I'm just so conflicted in what to do. Is there anyone else out there who has difficulties and maybe feel comfortable sharing their experiences?

[Former-Member]

Hi @Ateam, welcome to the forums. This is very hard when you have toxic family. Many of us here have had similar experiences to you - @outlander, @BlueBay, @Owlunar come to mind in the moment. I guess getting married will raise all the 'family' issues re invitations. I hate family gatherings with my family now. Unfortunately decades of water has gone under the bridge for me and I'm just coming to terms with the fact that I have lost them. This is because I moved away. I was going me o advise you to move away and sever ties and establish your own life. Unfortunately though even toxic family have legal rights above good friends when we struggle (when I've had breakdowns). Sorry, getting off track. If you have found a strong, stable man who loves you and you him, - go build your life together. Your little brother will come looking for you when he's old enough. There's covert ways of remembering him on his birthday etc (never bagging his parents) so he knows you care but sometimes clean breaks are necessary.
These are big issues for young shoulders. A psychologist will pick up on the family ly dynamics quickly, provide some understanding and give you some coping skills - talk to your GP about getting a referral care plan.. But sometimes that can open a can of worms too, at a time you are already stressed (wedding).
Not sure if this helps, one thing at a time - life's a changing journey, be your own best friend 💕 Be kind to yourself🌷🌿

[Ateam]

Wow, thank you @Former-Member what beautiful words. We have just signed a new lease for 12 months in the town we live in. We have considered moving away again. I remember when we did the first time and I felt so free. I have just got caught in the web again and now I'm seeing it clearly. My sister and I are increadbly close and she suffers similar things to me so I don't know how I would go without having her around the corner. I have just started working again after some time studying and time out for myself. I think this will be great for less face to face contact time with mum and maybe I need to start learning to not answer the phone when she calls because that gets very obsessive as well and usually creates more drama if I don't answer. But maybe with the perfect mix it might slide by. I am very lucky to have supportive in laws as well who will always be there and understand everything that is going on. Maybe the 12 months will give us the time to get married, have an amazing honeymoon and then pin point on where we go to next. Thank you for such wise words.