Lived Experience Forum

[Former-Member]

Hi, I figured i better say hello to everyone and maybe say some something about myself. I don't like talking at the best of times, but i'm sure that is understood here. I have joined a few forums, not related to MI, one was a car forum and i still couldn't bring myself to write anything there.  I figure what is there to lose.........(may come back to that).

I dont even know where to start. There is no train of thought, so sorry if it's a bit all over the shop. 14 years ago i was diagnosed with depression by a doctor out in the bush and was given some not so good drugs. Which about 1 month after starting them i went into a psycotic rage and never touched them agian. Through the years i kinda of learned to live with the things in my head and through self medication. Last year i went through a bad break up and i am of the understanding the stress may have triggered things as i had the Police called on me a couple of times, Due to self harm. The most i had to do with that was talk to someone on the phone for 5 minutes then sent on my way. I then moved to a property by myself, of which the closest person is about 5km away.  since moving here i have smelled bbq's, smelled someone cooking a pizza the other day. he Truman delusion is as real as anything can be. Happy i am aware of it though, even if i can't lock in that it isn't real, because it could be. Even though that would be one boring show (it alone makes writing here hard).

I have always liked my own company, from when i was a child. However once moving to a place by mysIelf, thing have been progressively getting worse, and have been considering proffesional help.

One thing that puts me off getting help is i'm not a fan of the drugs at all. Not due to past experience. I understand i saw a crappy doctor out in the middle of nowhere,  who just threw me on the first thing that came to his mind at the time. I don't want to be "zombiefied".... bad term but there are no other

The main reason i'm writing this is because commented on a post the other day and the paranoia is getting to me a bit. Mostly my comment about returning to lurking in the shadows. As since then i read a post somewhere about people praying on the....not 100%, and things like that play on my mind. I see can a clear path as to how i could be percieved as one of these people be just being inthe background reading the posts. Silly i know, but i can see it strong enough to almost belive it myself. Sorry if there are trigger warnings or anything like that,  i honestly can't tell. I know somethings that could be said, but i can't really distiguish what is and is not. Anyway, i don't where what i have and have not said, i can't bring myself to reread it as if i do i will delete it and may never try again. It has happened with ther things. Sorry for the long post and if it's not understandable. Now i have to find the strength to push post, that could take take a while.

Anyway, thanks to everyone here for their effort with talking and helping each other. I have only been here a coulpe of days and have read lots of good posts and information. There is no need to resond to this( if i can post it). I am just happy to have got some stuff out. I only have 1 person in my life i can talk to and They have their own life so i try not annoy them too much.

Thanks again

[greenpea]

@Former-Member Hi Rob101 and welcome to the forums. Are you closer to any decent doctors where you are now? I think it is very important that you get some professional advice. Don't let that dud doctor put you off there are some really good doctors out there and don't worry about being a zombie the good ones wont let that happen to you (speaking from experience on both counts). 

It is great that you have made an account on these forums as we have lots of social events eg: Friday Night Feast which is definately worth coming along too. It generally starts about 7pmish. Do you get to socialise a little in real life? I am trying to push myself out there but  it is hard I know ...

[Former-Member]

Different medications have different effects on people, if you don't like too heavy dosages perhaps you can try the starter dosages for some medications and go from there.

[River9]

Hi there @Former-Member and welcome to the Forums 🙂 Thanks so much for taking the time to tell us a little bit about you and having the courage to press that 'post' button - I know it can be a scary thing to do sometimes, especially when you are new. I hope that you find connections and support here on the Forums that may be able to help you.

Sorry to hear about your experience with the drugs that you were prescribed to help you with your depression. That must have been an incredibly difficult situation and shock for you - taking drugs that you thought would help you but actually created other issues.

It is nice that you enjoy your own company. Be able to recognise that you may perhaps be becoming a little isolated though, is good. I'm glad you have reached out here to help with that - @greenpea is right, there are lots of social spaces here and the Friday Feast is a big one!

You mentioned that you have been considering trying to find professional help again. I'm wondering whether you've thought of visiting a psychologist or counsellor? They don't generally work with medications and instead use therapies to support their clients. 

[Former-Member]

 Thanks for the replies.

@@greenpea  I have no idea what the doctors are like here. I am going to see a gp to get a refferal when i can. Socialise does not compute. I currently suffer from the physical condition of BAF (Broke as F). I don't get a chance to do anything, I only get a few dollars a week for caretaking the property, Which goes to nicotine unfortunately. I have pondered the idea of socialising for months but i have absolutley no idea on what to do or where to go (even when i do have the money). Most of my social encounters (only cashiers) tend to go a little funny at least 50% of the time. There is alwasys some miss-communication somewhere, Which doesn't help the next time go and get something.

@River9I'm considering all options at the moment, Just really hard to do anything with a lack of money and being a bit out of town. Fuel isn't something i like to spend my couple of dollars on. Another thing that makes everything harder is not having a home phone and no mobile reception. My only means of contact is the internet, Better than having a phone and no internet really though. I have only been considering help again for a short time. I have started thinking that the isolation isn't helping, seeing as there isn't anyone around to distract me from my own head and  it makes it hard to determine real from not real. 

 I am in the process of possibly relocating. I just have to work out what it is i want, so i can work out where it is i am going. If i want help i will have to travel East, A friend has offered to help me get a decent paying job where he used to work underground (The sun is no friend of mine), But that requires going further West. But i'm not sure if i could do the work in my current mental state.

Thanks for your replies. You're all nice people......so far

[greenpea]

@Former-Member Well you are socializing well here so that is a great start 😄 It is hard when you dont have much money to socialize. Cashier is a good start! I tell my psychiatirst I have spoken to my neighbours and gave them all Christmas cards last year which was great and they in turn did the same. Please do get involved with the forum we are a great bunch of caring people you will fit right in I am sure of that 🙂

[utopia]

@rob01 - welcome.
I find isolation worsens my depressive symptoms. But it is hard to 'put myself out there'.
Being on the Internet, you don't need to be so isolated. Post here at any time. Or join in an existing conversation on another thread.
You'll never be alone when you post here.

[Former-Member]

@utopiaThanks, yeah I have found just reading other conversations to be helping a bit. I guess it's good to know i'm far from alone. Strangely felt a bit like that before finding this forum. It is doing my head in having pushed the 'post' button. Will take some getting used to talking.  But it's all progress.  Thanks again everyone.

[NatalieS]

Welcome to the forums @Former-Member

The people and moderators here on the forums are my family because they are so supportive and I come here to chat or vent or just read....sometimes it is sooo hard to post because sometimes things are just too jumbly in my head.  But there's always someone with similar/shared experiences, so you are not alone.

There are good gps and not-so-good gps, same goes with medication.  Unfortunately-and I have had a similar expereince as you, and I'm sure there others here, too-whose first-off medication expereinces have been less than positive-which kind of puts you off even considering alternatives. But there are good care providers and mental health workers out there, we just need to keep trying to get the help we need.  Not that simple, I know, and not a quick-fix. And I know when I am in a bad place in my head, isolation does not help, and that's one of the reasons I post here, the forum people share and help me get through the jumble.  Take care.

[Former-Member]

Hi @NatalieS Sorry but i find it hard to read your post, that profile picture, It's fun. I love it. The simple things! Thanks for your reply.  You are all making it hard to hide, lol. I have an obligation to thank everyone. It is already slightly easier to post, That's a start i guess.