Skip to main content
Forums Home
Illustration of people sitting and standing

New here?

Chat with other people who 'Get it'

with health professionals in the background to make sure everything is safe and supportive.

Register

Have an account?
Login

cancel
Showing results for 
Search instead for 
Did you mean: 

Our stories

bleepbloophello
Contributor

When self worth gets tied to happiness

Hi everyone, I'm new here and wanted to post about something that I have been struggling to find much info on. It's the problem of tying your self worth to your mood. I personally often feel I am 'failing' when I'm unhappy and 'succeeding' when I am happy/doing well. I realise how counter-productive and damaging this is. I attribute my experience of this to three things:

 

1. The 'happiness culture' we are surrounded by:

It's kind of viewed as the ultimate aim of life by a lot of people. Happiness is a lucrative industry that churns out books, motivational speakers and progrrams. Obviously happiness is a great feeling but perhaps we've pushed it too far? Studies have found pursuing happiness can actually lead to more disappointment and can lead to more 'rumination' (obsessing about our negative feelings and what may have caused them). I mean I don't know what the alternative is (in terms of a good goal to aim for) but it feels a bit unhealthy.

 

2. My history of mental illness (bipolar I)

I've experienced very bad lows and very high highs since adolescence, including two psychotic episodes (resulting in hospitalisation both times). Because of this I am very protective of my mental health. It's kind of become a full time activity, making sure I'm going okay. This is where the happiness = success thing comes in. I've spent so much time and effort maintaining my mental health that I almost can't help but feel like my 'hard work has paid off' when I feel happy. And conversely that I am doing something wrong/not trying hard enough when I am sad.

 

3. My perfectionist tendencies

This is linked to the previous point, but basically part of me wants to 'be the best at mental health' (I know, it's pretty silly) and happiness is like a gold star that I'm doing something right.

 

I was wondering if this experience is something anyone can relate to? And if you have found ways of managing it. I think a large part, as I'm starting to see even through typing this post, is binding my identity and self worth to being 'good at mental health stuff'. I need to find other things to be good at or other ways to frame my identity in order to stop feeling bad about feeling sad.

 

Thanks for reading and thanks for having me here!

10 REPLIES 10

Re: When self worth gets tied to happiness

@bleepbloophello  Welcome to the forums.

 

Theres a lot to think about in your post. A lot of deep thinking.

 

Someone said to me recently, when we change the shift from success, to acknowledging efforts, there’s a shift. It’s a thought I’m working through, but just leaving it here, to see what you think.

 

I will have to think through the other stuff.

 

Thanks for posting. Look around the forums and join in elsewhere. Lots of interesting topics.

Re: When self worth gets tied to happiness

Welcome @bleepbloophello 

 

Wow.... deep.... and very much food for thought and contemplation

 

Re: When self worth gets tied to happiness

Hi and welcome, @bleepbloophello ! It's good to have you here. 🙂

 

I agree that there's lots to think about in your very clear, insightful and thoughtful post. 

 

My own thoughts on happiness are that maybe 'contentment' is a better goal to aim for. You can be content with your efforts, even if they don't arrive at happiness. I don't think anyone can be happy all the time, anyway. A problem is that some of us aren't taught how to fail - I mean, how to live with feelings of failure or limitations or non-success in something. Failure is a normal part of life, but we somehow feel that it makes us worthless. 

 

I am impressed with all your efforts at keeping your mental health on track. But I can see your problem, that you feel you're not working hard enough if you get sad. I think you are half way there, as you have so clearly articulated how you feel about this conundrum. When you find the answers, please let us know! 🙂

Re: When self worth gets tied to happiness

Thanks all for your engagement and responses. @Maggie acknowledging effort sounds like a good alternative to seeking success all the time. I like the idea of it being about how hard you tried, not just the end result. This kind of ties in to what you were saying @NatureLover about being content with your efforts. And I really liked your thoughts on failure being a normal part of life. I thought maybe I'd have to reframe things so I felt I hadn't failed at all but that's an interesting alternative, to be more comfortable with failure. Thanks for reading my post and giving such thoughtful and encouraging responses.

Re: When self worth gets tied to happiness

Hi @bleepbloophello Welcome!

Great post. I relate to a lot of what you're saying.

On happiness cult(ure) have you read this? The illustrated version is my favourite.

The Illustrated Happiness Trap by Russ Harris: 9781611801576 ...

I also have Bipolar 1 and you are so right about the hard work and time it takes to live with it. It's very hard to convey to the vast majority who have never experienced it, which is one reason I have gained so much from the forum - plenty of people here who get it.

I also have to admit that when things are smooth and I'm happy, it does feel like success. I think it's ok to enjoy it. However, it is a very short jump to a reality check for me in the shape of anxiety, depression, or signs of a mixed episode. It's taken a long time, but I no longer have the converse that you mentioned 'I am doing something wrong/not trying hard enough when I am sad.' I've had 30+ years of it and do my best to just ride the waves. In The Happiness Trap Russ Harris talks about the struggle switch. This was a revelation to me - the idea that by battling difficult emotions/those we don't want we add layers to our suffering. Switching it off is a whole other level of zen that I do not much posess, but it's an aspiration.

'Being good at mental health' made me smile. You seem to have a lot of insight. You mentioned finding other things that frame your identity - I'm curious if you've got anything in mind.

 

Re: When self worth gets tied to happiness

Thanks @frog - I haven't read that book, though I've seen it around. To be honest I always worried it was one of those 'you can change your life' super intense style self help books but now that I've looked it up I see I was mistaken! It seems very grounded and reasonable, and very relevant to what I am talking about. I just watched a couple of videos on the happiness trap website (one on the struggle switch, one on the 3 myths of happiness) and found them helpful and insightful. Particularly the idea that the natural human state is not happiness but rather a constant flow of emotions. It's such a simple concept but somehow I forget that 'total stability' will never be achieved. And it'd probably be boring even if it was possible.

 

It's nice to meet a fellow person with Bipolar 1 and your acknowledgement of how hard it can be makes me feel a bit less weird for struggling so much. So, thank you.

 

In terms of other ways to frame my identity.. I'm not so sure. There are things I can do well, e.g. expressing myself through writing.. There are areas I'm involved with, e.g. music.. At the moment I'm unemployed so basically have LOTS of time to go down the self-betterment rabbit hole (learning about mindfulness, obsessing about my thoughts/emotions/behaviour) which is maaaybe not healthy. I'm very, very inwardly focused right now and I'm finding it hard to let go of my grip on myself if that makes any sense.

 

Thanks for responding. I'm going to check out some more happiness trap materials!

Re: When self worth gets tied to happiness

Hi @bleepbloophello 

I am generally a bit skeptical re self help books, but I make an exception for Acceptance Commitment Therapy. And Tara Brach. And sometimes Brene Brown.

Self reflection can be a double edged sword, and the covid situation makes it hard to find a balance for a lot of people. I hope you are getting some enjoyable down time. I often fall into the trap of thinking that I need to be productive on some level all the time; I have trouble stopping.

You write really well btw.

 

 

Re: When self worth gets tied to happiness

Hello @frog
I think we might have similar taste in self help - I've read a little bit of Brene Brown and listened to some meditations by Tara Brach. Sometimes I get a bit obsessed with trying to be the best version of myself though and have to refrain from that genre for a bit. But anything that focuses on acceptance as key has my vote.
Totally agree about self reflection being a double edged sword. My ability to reflect deeply on my thoughts and emotions is my greatest strength and biggest weakness at the same time.
I am getting some nice down time, thanks. I have a nice routine of a daily walk, exercise of some sort, writing and journaling. So I'm feeling pretty good on the whole. I just need to stop struggling with my struggling (happy to have this way of looking at it now!) because it usually doesn't last that long anyway!
Thanks for your kindness, these forums seem like a helpful place to visit with people like you on here.

Re: When self worth gets tied to happiness

@bleepbloophello Checking out Tara Brach now! Looks incredible. The Radical Compassion work especially, thank you for sharing this Heart How is the double edge sword going? I think self-awareness/ reflection is also an interesting balancing act. Sometimes can find my own reflections can become quite deep and move into self analysis and then occassionally criticism. Your words here are very reassuring and I am sure heaps of the community will relate. Chat soon Smiley Happy

Illustration of people sitting and standing

New here?

Chat with other people who 'Get it'

with health professionals in the background to make sure everything is safe and supportive.

Register

Have an account?
Login

For urgent assistance