Lived Experience Forum

[not_fair]

I'm struggling with the definitions of bereavement and post-traumatic stress disorder.  Everyone says that I am grieving but I'm convinced it's more than that.  I'm stuck and every time I think I'm climbing out of this god forsaken hole, I get a call or someone just kicks me back down.  Most recently I lost my Mum to cancer.  She battled Mesothelioma with me as her carer for 2 years and 10 months.  She was diagnosed August 2014 and they gave her 8 months. 2 chemo's, 3 radiations, 1 trial and countless of appointments later, in April this year she died in my arms.  Nobody was there for me while I was caring for her but they all came out of the woodwork for a little at the end.  Not for me though.  Just to save face.  I miss Mum coz I was able to be sad with her and talk about how much it all sux but that being said she wanted me to be happy ALL the time; which led to a little substance abuse just in order to keep that smile on my face.  I'm now free from all those fun vices and feel completely alone.  The strange thing is I'm not.  I'm a mother of 2 beautiful boys under 10, I'm a wife, I'm a part-time worker for an employer who rocks and I've been with for 25 years and I'm very very lucky.  That’s the rational me.  But, I'm failing at all roles.  I kick myself when I'm down and I hate myself very very much.  I would never commit the big S but I am so so sad.  But, I'm not depressed.  I'm very confused.  Just wanted to start some dialog with some rando's on the line.  I have heaps more I'd love to share and if anyone wants to hear it, I will love to offload.  Anyway, stay sane (I tell myself every hour)

[CheerBear]

Hi @not_fair 🙂 It's nice to 'meet' you.

What you experienced sounds truly awful and I'm so sorry to hear you went through that with your mum. It sounds like you were really close and I can only imagine how hard it would be to move through the impact of it all.

I can see how there would be some similarities between PTSD and grief. I have PTSD (and am also a mum of little-ish kids) and from my understanding, PTSD can include elements of grief, but perhaps other things as well (avoidance, re-experiencing) that cause distress to the point where it impacts on a person's ability to 'function'. It is confusing when lots of things can do that though and the overlap between things, is tricky sometimes. PTSD (and grief) in general can be really confusing.

You said that you feel convinced that there's more going on for you than grieving. I think it's really important to trust ourselves when we have such strong feelings, so it is really great that you seem to be wanting to work out what's going on for you. Offload away if you'd like - there are lots of understanding people to chat with here. This is a great space for sharing and there are definitely people around who would like to hear about it 🙂

[utopia]

@not_fair. Grief or PTSD or something else.
You looked after your mum for 2 years & 10 months. Through chemo radiation - trials. Everything. And it sounds like you did it on your own.
I don't think you are grieving from her death. I think it goes back to her diagnosis and all the horrors that you saw and experienced with her.
And no one was there to help you through that tough time. No wonder you are struggling now.
Have you thought of going to see a psychogist- one who ddeals with loss and grief? I think they will be able to work out what is really happening for you.
Also know that grief doesn't come with a time line or order to grieve. It presents how it presents for you.

[Former-Member]

Hi @not_fair
Welcome to the forums, im glad you have found us here. I know there are many people here who have had experience with grief and ptsd.
I'm so sad to hear that you lost your mum, it sounds like she loved you so much, wanting you to be happy and sounds as though you were comfortable with her and loved her very much too. She went through so much and so did you as a carer. I'm not surprised in a way that things are really hard after going through so much, on your own as well. I see a psychologist who is great. No matter what label might be given it sounds as though your are struggling and hurting and need some support, have you seen your gp? it might be a good place to start for some extra support and they may refer you to a psychologist.
I'm also a mum to two kids under ten, its busy and crazy at times which is hard enough without feeling awful and sad all the time. I really hope that things get better for you and that being on the forums is a support to you,
take care

[Owlunar]

Hi @not_fair

It's only 6 months since your mother died and you were her carer and now all of that's gone

Yes - there is something happening apart from your grief - which is enough on it's own

It's called The Empty Arms - and happens when a person who has taken a lot of time, energy - and most of all love - for a long time before they died

I'm so sorry your Mum died with such a painful cancer - that is really hard - my son died to suicide and I had those same feelings - I know how lost, alone and painful all of this no matter what you had before that is on-going - your husband and kids and your work - great boss etc - all of that is something you feel as if you are failing with atm and there is a good reason

You have lost a part of yourself that was very important - not only that - you shared with your mother and now she is not there anymore

When my son died I felt as if I had to go on as normal but someone who knew about grief told me something I can share with you

If you had a heart attack or lost a leg or some other physical trauma you would be laid up for however long - you would not be getting along with the other things in your life as if nothing had happened - when we lose a loved one esp after so much trauma then we are incapacitated and it is possibly even more devastating than physical events when someone we love died - 

Someone else here as suggested that you see a psychologist for grief counselling - I had this after my mother died - what you have now is complicated grief - grief itself is hard enough but complicated - far more so

Interesting how all your rellies came out of the woodwork when your mother died - now they have gone - yes - I know about that one - really had to take - so you have some rellie-grief as well - where is your original family when you need them the most?

All the best @not_fair - you are right - it is not fair but alas - that's what it is

You know - my mother died getting on for three years ago now - I was not close to her and did not see her for years - her choice not mine. I did not feel well yesterday and dozed off a couple of times and dreamed about her which I just don't do 

So yes - having your mother die is among the major losses - and now - I wish you the best and assure you that this is normal and really rotten 

Sending my best thoughts

Dec

[Sahara]

Hi @not_fair,

I think I can understand your feelings... I think you feel very alone because there was no-one there for you while you were your Mum's carer and now you have no-one who can understand what that was like for you. It's like a very, very intense experience happened and now there's ... nothing. Your relatives are not there for you and they act as though life simply goes on... it feels very alienating. 

You might like to see a psychologist/counsellor just to have some time and space to be yourself and really talk about how you feel.

My Mum died 2 years ago and in that time I've had no-one who I could share my grief with... my brother and sister act like her passing was 'no big deal' and my Dad is consumed by his own greif, but will never talk about it.

My firends have not lost parents of their own... except for one friend, who was quite good to me, at the time.

I can see that it would be really hard for you to slip back into an 'ordinary' existence, after something so life-changing as the death of a parent. Yet, people seem to expect you to do this. 

I coped by crying (in private) every day for about 3 weeks... I just let myself be sad during those times. The sadness took its course, in a way. After 3 weeks, I only got teary a few times a week. Then it became only once a week, and so on. On the few occasions I tried to talk about my Mum to my sister- I was left feeling very unsatisfied, and very alone and disillusioned. My sister didn't get it.... she is a very emotionally repressed woman!

None-the-less, I can now face the future with more positive feelings.... because I just allowed myself some time. I still think about Mum a lot, but it isn't really painful anymore. 

@not_fair, please feel free to write about all your feelings... I think it will help.

And please don't hate yourself for feeling sad.... sadness is a natural part of life. 

[not_fair]

Thank you all so much.  It sounds like you all know how I feel which is weird because I feel nobody else does.  The problem with my "grief" is that I have been looking after and burying family members since I was 25.  There was my Dad who I loved with all my heart but he was an alcoholic so he wasn't really there.  He was diagnosed with lung cancer when I was 25.  I ran Mum and him around to radiation, hospitals and all that stuff.  He died when I was 28; he was 57.  I remember sitting on the couch after he died and everyone was telling me to hurry up and pick a coffin.  I was the main person who buried my Dad because at the same time as he was dying, my little brother developed psychosis. My little brother and I had 20 months difference.  He was my best friend and was the only person in the world who knew me and what it was like to be raised by parents too busy for anything.  Mum was focused on him so I felt I needed to focus on Dad.  I buried him with all the traditions followed (greek orthodox) up to the 40 day thing.  Then, I started to get help for my brother.  He was in denial and blamed himself for Dads death.  The psychosis led him to beleive it was his fault.  Very hard to watch.  My brother ultimatly commited suicide 3 years after Dad died.  Those 3 years we saw psyciatirists, hospitals, doctires and he was even admitted into a youth mental hospital.  Together with my Mum, we had to fly to Byron to identify his body.  He was 28.  Anyway, thats heaps for now.  So sorry if I've upset anyone. 

I work part time (Mon - Wed) with the same organisation for the last 25 years.  Mon and Wed I am allowed to work from home but I have to drive into the city on Tuesday.  I now have to get up and get the boys ready for school.

I hope you all have a sadness free day (of part of it).  I'm throwing myself into work to I'll be ok till clock off. 

Thanks again for letting me share

[CheerBear]

Hi again @not_fair.

None of that sounds fair at all and I can see how hard and complicated everything might feel at the moment 😞

I haven't had the awful experience of losing a really close family member through death but I think it would be incredibly hard to work through and would certainly cause enormous pain. A lot of people say it can help to talk through it with people who understand, which there are many here who do. There are professionals who understand grief and loss who may be others to try also if you feel it would help.

I find it helpful to be in the company of people who get what I am going through here too, so please keep talking if it feels good for you too. If you'd like to venture around the forum and see what else is here, jump in wherever you'd like - there is lots around.

I hope that getting into work today feels good for you and that the boys got off to school ok. Mornings can be so hectic in our house.

Really nice to see you back 🙂

[not_fair]

I have a grief counsellor that I was assigned when Mum joined the palliative circle in 2014. I rely on her a lot as I feel she is the only person who's seen me go thru everything live.  But it's only recently that I've thought that perhaps staying in the palliative circle is what's keeping me stuck.  I voiced my concerns and have an appointment to see her this Thursday. 

Before Mum was diagnosed my husband and I started to build a new home for our beautiful kids on a peaceful 5 acre block in the country(ish).  We moved out of our home close to Mum but I was driving up and down sometimes twice a day - it's a 45 minute drive.  I'm still in boxes even now!  Anyway while we were undergoing her last attempt at quality of life through a trail at Epworth in Richmond we moved our beautiful pure breed British Staffy dogs from the suburbs to the house that we were now living at. 

To summarise another traumatic time in my life, my boy got out and scratched a cat.  He was locked up for almost 3 months while I fought in court to get him out.  I had never been through the legal system before so the threat of having a conviction hanging over my head was crushing.  Anyway, we finally got our baby back however he shortly developed brain cancer and we had to put him down at 13 years of age.  That was March.  Mum died in April.  Now our beautiful girl has developed an aggressive terminal breast cancer.  She's 12.  I have booked her in to be put down at 4 pm today.  We put her through the chemo round for a week and a half now but we’ve seen no improvements and the vets at the hospital have advised they can do no more.  She can't get her back legs up so she sits around but is still so happy.  She's has that huge Staffy smile.  Anyway, I'm working in the CBD today and my boys are in afterschool care.  My hubby is not getting home till very late tonight due to work. So my options were; 1) put her down tonite on my own while my boys are in afterschool care or 2) schedule to put her down tomorrow when my husband can be with me (but tomorrow is my birthday).  Or 3) put her down on Thursday but that’s too cruel to leave her going so long, no matter how wide her smile is.  So, I just wanted to let you know that on top of everything else I have to put my beautiful Summer down at 4pm today, on my own......  I'm becoming numb to this shit.  It’s safe to say that I will definitely be having some wine with dinner tonight.  I want to break down but I have to stay strong for Summer and my boys.  Perhaps I can break down when the boys go to bed tonight. 

[CheerBear]

Hi @not_fair

I'm so incredibly sorry to hear that you had to face the horrible pain losing your girl yesterday. No words for how hard that might have been and maybe will be for a while 😞

What a tough decision and an incredibly brave choice to have her put down on your own. Summer was lucky to have you as her owner.

I hope you got through it ok. I find it so hard to have to be strong for the sake of the kids sometimes, when all I want to do is meltdown. It's great to hear you have the support of a counsellor during this time, and that you made an appointment with her. I hope it helps you to speak with her.

If you feel like checking in with us today please do. Please tag someone if you feel comfortable doing so as your reply is much more likely to be seen if you do. You can put an @ symbol in front of someone's name and they'll be tagged.

Wish I could say happy birthday, but that doesn't seem right today. Thinking of you.