Lived Experience Forum

[kristin]

Dear @sara 

That is so painful. It is gut wrenching going through that, especially the first time. If you are still in the process of negotiating contact arrangements etc you could suggest that special days (Easter, Xmas, birthdays, etc) should be half day with each parent, for the children's sakes. This is what we did from the beginning, I still had to deal with them sometimes not being there on Xmas morning and so forth, but it made it a lot easier - especially for the kids.

Him playing what I call "sugar daddy" - spoiling them rotten with stuff - is unfortunately very common. You need to remember that you can and do give them your love, which has far more value in the longer term. I used to despair of similar issues with my ex-husband. I was never going to compete on monetary "stuff" terms, and still can't. I have never tried. I have always been honest with my kids (not blaming anyone, just being real that we didn't have much money). Now 10 years down the track they know who to come to when there is a problem, or they need TLC. Their dad has learned a few things about relationships in the meantime thankfully and we get on quite ok now, we co-parent pretty well. For about 7 years I wouldn't even let him into my house, they were dropped off at the door.

I know I did and can offer something to my kids that their dad could not all those years ago. My unconditional love. It's been excruciatingly painful at times, but worth it in the long run. I don't mean that I didn't have firm boundaries for them, I did. But they always knew they could count on me to stand up for what was right for them - sometimes even when it wasn't what was best for me.

So please do not despair. You have something far more precious than silver or gold to give your kids. It may take them time to recognise it, but they will.

In the meantime sending you cyber hugs and compassion, because raising kids is a long road. Dealing with the family court is painful stuff. I hope you have a lawyer who's a good listener.

Hope for a nurturing relationship with our children endures...

Kindest regards, 

Kristin

[Shaz51]

hellloooo @kristin , @sara , @kato , @nigioc , @hiddenite