Lived Experience Forum

[peace]

I have been managing depression, anxiety & PTSD for years. Always blaming it on trauma that has happen in my life. Which has been quite serious and serve. Recently I kinda thought it was time to comes to terms with this is who I am, someone with MI. The thing is that so much that I have read and all the healing workshops and self-awareness groups I have so dearly paid for and attended inculding Spiritual and religious groups and self help books all seem to be telling me that it is all in my mind. I am the one who has control of my thinking and feelings. I am left feeling responsible for my own lack of mental health. A complete failure almost. Yes all these years of hard work has its benefits however itis more than this. I mean is it? Am I totally responsible for this depression and anxiety because of my upbri ging and current thoughts? At times I truly feel it is so beyond me. Yes it is a constant management thing. I get that, I live that. Am I wrong to assume it is more?
I am on medication. Different ones through the past say 15 years. My brother and a few others tell me I just haven't healed "yet" from the various badness of the past. That I need to let go. In the mean time I am kinda less than in others eye's and lately my own too.

[Eagle]

Hi @peace 

I haven't seen you around the forums before - so welcome! I think I understand what you mean.

The phrase 'it's all in your head' can have so many connotations. Sometimes it can be used as an empowering statement, to help us see that it's something we can take hold and control of.  Other times it could be perceived as over simplifying the issue - or even implying we're imagining it.

I want to clarify a few things in your post;

1) You're not a failure. Taking control of our thoughts and feelings takes time to develop and practice, and can be exhausting! Even people who wouldn't identify as having mental health difficulties have negative thoughts - so don't be too tough on yourself if they creep in.

2) You're not responsible for your depression or anxiety. But you are responsible for getting better. That doens't mean you have to do it alone - it just means you're responsible for taking action, and it sounds like you're doing exactly that!

3) You are definitely not less than others. This may sound cliche but it sounds like the depression talking. Like I said, what you have accomplished and the journey you have undertaken takes a lot of courage and is inspiring.

I know it may be hard, but you should acknowledge the great work you have done, be kind to yourself and celebrate the progress you've made.

There may be big hudles to overcome in life. Keep up the hard work you're doing and you will continue to see the benefits.

The forums are always here to celebrate your wins and help you through the tough times, so I hope to see you in here again 🙂

[peace]

Thank you very much for your reply. Your acknowledgement and support brought me to tears.

[kato]

Hi @peace wow thank you for your honest post,
it sounds like you have looked into alot of things and have pulled through some really tough and difficult times...
healing takes a journey with many paths that we will cross along the way.
I too have been told it is in my head and I need to come to terms with it.
in my case it is what I have done in the past that I have to "get over" as I seem to get told or "it wasn't you" because I was sick..... I find that statement amusing because it was me or aome semblance of me in my case
my journey has just begun and coming to terms with what I have done will take quite a journey as well

Your post gives me hope that I can endure thw jpirney as you have but with knowledge that our past does not control our present it has happened and is something we all need to learn to manage and understand. It will take time whether short or long but I read in your post that there is hope and you have come to the forums to help you find uour way.

Thank you again for your post and I hope to hear more from you in the future

[Neb]

Hi Peace. I have lived with depression, anxiety and DID for my adult life. I can empathise with you on your journey....tell me, why do you think you are a failure? You are a winner....you have survived and that is a worth no one can take away from you. A failure is/ are the perpetuators of evil on a young and vulnerable soul. You have spat in their eye by surviving, and you will be standing long after they have gone. Anything that is a tough slog is worth gaining. Heck, if you don't have down periods you would not be human. You are the sum total of your experiences. Where is there a definition of " mental health" in concrete....there is not one. Some of the " shrinks" I have met were more weird than their so called clients.

I live in a rural town where there is a marvellous peer support group, that I tap into on occasion. I manage my own meds, I tell the GP what I am doing if I feel a bit fragile. The public health system will only react if there are police cars surrounding a house sort.

My family whom I love dearly, regard me as the " nut" , end of story. I may never be " healed", but that would diminish me. I have just spent 2 days in bed after I had a glissando of memories, this is allowed. I am okay again.

In the end Peace, what you do with the cards dealt you is what you are. Onwards and upwards...

[peace]

Thanks Kato. I must say I like the way you think. And you seem to possess a great deal of acceptance. It is so refreshing to hear others relating to what I am feeling and experiencing. I so appreciate your reply.

[peace]

Hi Neb. Thank for your time to respond to my post. It is so very comforting to be heard and feel cared about. I am still slightly... I'm not sure if the right word but its like surprised. You ask why I feel like a failure. Because I know ow all the 'rules' to start emotionally healthy yet I still fail to get it right. I am overwhelmed with the burden of emotional pain and fearful anxiety . The horror of waking to another day in which I must struggle to keep myself at peace and contented. My oh my how is it so that life/living can be a continued place of hard work. It takes the beauty out of it.
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Evenings are so much easier for me. A time to gather my strenght once more and grap hold of as much love and positive energy as I can muster. And try to put my negative thoughts into perspective. Onwards and upwards....

[kato]

Thank you peace,

I jave some levels of acceptance but alas it is overwhelmed at times by my personal opinion of myself lol

others ie. Specialists, my wife can't seem to understand why I keep blaming myself..... that I am sure will come in time where I can again look myself in the eyes and be happy with what looks back at me.

Ifelt the same way as your feeling now with wow it's surprising that there are people who care about what I have been through and what I have to say.... I still find it surprising in a good way. 

Lnowing all the rules is one thing learnibg how best to implement knowledge gained is another, I have found these last few mobths my hobby has been research find out as much as I can about meds, groups, treatments, illnesses I surprised my psychiatrist thee other day we were talking well I was bored he is rubbish for me but I was bored and asked him what he was researching, he told me, qhen I went on to explain yo him my knowledge of it he was blown away, I don't know everything but research is interesting I have no idea how to use any of it lol

Mt psychologist is much better she is helping me learn the "skills" so to speak it will be a long journey for me but I know I can research and come on this forum and ask questions or vent about something that has failed and learn new ideas and ways that others have found help

You enjoy the evenings, I enjoy middle of the day where if my thoughts annoy me I can put music on loud and drown my thoughts with some nice beats

Lol I like how you put onwards and upwards I must remember that for myself

[Eagle]

Hi @peace & all

It's so great to see so many people jumping in. It looks like a lot of us have been in similar situations.

I just wanted to jump in again to see how you were going. There was something in your post to neb that really resonated with me. Where you said:

My oh my how is it so that life/living can be a continued place of hard work. It takes the beauty out of it.

This is something I struggled with for a while. But I wanted to share something with you that really works for me. I separate the shit things going on in my life from the awesome things in it. What I mean is that I don't compare the 2. I try to think of them separately, rather than the negative stuff taking over from the beauty of the world. This is really hard sometimes.

I actually keep a list of things that I think are awesome in the world that I tend to forget when things are crappy. I look at it when things are crap, and it doesn't necessarily make the bad stuff go away - but it reminds me that there is beauty in the word (& sometimes pushes me to work on the bad stuff)

I hope I didn't make that sound too simplistic - it's hard work (as you pointed out) but it's worth it.

[kristin]

Dear Peace,

Welcome to the forums!  Your courageous honesty is such a gift, thank you.

To be quite honest I get so angry when I hear about people being treated the way you've been treated. It is just born of people's ignorance - things they say are true becaue they believe them to be, but it doesn't make it so. Often not based in either scientific fact or even the tenets of the faith they ostensibly espouse.They do enormous damage to people who are suffering.

I get particularly angry with churches who push this (some/many mean well but...). They question people's faith if they have not healed instantaneously - I've yet to see faith instantaneously heal a broken leg, and trauma has much longer lasting ramifications than broken bones. The bible suggests that if instant healing doesn't take place it is not the fatith of the wounded one that is lacking, but those others whose faith is insufficient. Christ healed others because of his complete faith in God. Many like to forget this and blame the sufferer when healing is not "miraculous" or quick. This is actually not prayers but judgement. Something we are supposed to leave to God. Sorry, end of rant.  

I really agree with what @Eagle said - many wise words.

Healing from abuse is a very long-term journey and worthwhile, but undeniably (for those who really know) excruciating along the way. I don't believe we heal by "letting go" of the past, but by slowly reclaiming it. A much more difficult and painful thing. How can you amputate a part of yourself and be whole as well? When we are supported enough and strong enough, then we are able to find and embrace the parts of ourselves trapped by past trauma.

At least this has been my experience of recovering from abuse. I will continue recovering for the rest of my life: I may now be able to hold what happened more gently and with more self-compassion than before, I may be more compassionate towards others as a result, I may function better than before, I may have a much more fulfilling life from now on - but the abuse will be there always, I cannot even try to excise it without casuing myself emotional harm (and believe me I've tried).

So please be kind and gentle to yourself, as you would to a good friend who is having a terrible time through no fault of her own. Please see how much strength and courage you have, the hard work you are putting into being well. Sometimes we can actually heal more effectively when we back the pressure off a little. Here's a quote from one of my favourite books, it speaks volumes about my own journey because I tend to work too hard on my MH at times too. 

Thomas More's Care of the Soul quote:

"Care of the soul observes the paradox whereby a muscled, strong-willed pursuit of change can actually stand in the way of substantive transformation."

Blessings on your journeying.

Kindest regards, 

Kristin