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Senior Contributor

reflect

I just realised today i dont have a family. I got my flatmate to ring my sister when i .was in the mental ward last week. she told him not to ring anymore because the family was sick of having to deal with a mental "deffective". You know, my family is pretty bad but it was the only link to my childhood.

So i am thinking i am slowly being erased. I am not sure why i am worried by this. I think a lot  of people need a family. I  sort of think maybe its part my fault for being like i am from age 6. i have had all the advice about moving on and dealing with child abuse. Problem is i have never been able to

 

 

36 REPLIES 36
Community Manager

Re: reflect

Oh @kenny66  - I'm so sorry to read your post.

 

It's not your fault

 

You are the last person who is at fault in this whole situation.

 

I believe we all need a connection with someone - maybe not a blood relation, perhaps another friend.

You're far from being erased here - You're making a such an impact on members here - an impact so big that it can't be erased.

 

This is just plain crappy (for lack of stronger words). Not a reflection of you at all.

 

Thinking of you.

Re: reflect

nik is right here.

i remembered in the past when i felt a bit isolated there was one or two friends who rang me out of the blue or wrote me a letter. it would make my whole week. But ive realised too that i can / should write letters and call up my friends when they need it too. once a week now i ring some one- once a month i write a letter or send some one a dried flower in a card. And i know, even if they dont get back to me right away- its nice to receive a letter or phone call.

Think of some thing that might have been a good thing for this week. And maybe try my idea next? write some one a letter?

Its just an idea but some times it helps me to make myself contact other people when im feeling alone.

 

Baboo

Re: reflect

Thanks heaps for your notes. I get it that i wont ever have family connection. That is the nature of the complex relationships between child abusers and abused. I guess i was a big shock-the finality of it i suppose.

I try to communicate with people by way of the forum. I try to do things that are kind and healing like volunteering at the dog and cat home, and my favourite, bottle feeding orphaned baby bats. I like the forum a lot. it makes me think of other people and stops me from being selfish and self centred as well as making me realise how minor my issues are compared to other people.

Anyway i value my friends on the forum, for their support and for the contact.

I guess with Christmas coming  i am a bit low!!! And i am way over spending time in wards for this year. Thanks again

Re: reflect

@kenny66
it matters that you exist. Everytime you write in the beautiful way you do you are leaving a legacy that can't be erased.
I am so so sorry about your situation. I hope you can find some people that may not be related by birth but can be your family.

thing is, it doesn't matter how horrible they are they are the only bl00d family we have. If possible, Try not to think of it as being erased but being set free? beautiful sentiment but hard IRL.

You are such a beautiful soul you will never be erased.

Re: reflect

@kenny66 

My heart sank when I read your post. I'm sorry that you are going through this. Smiley Sad

Someone once pointed out to me that you can choose your friends, but you cannot choose your family. I agree with @Uggbootdiva, I hope you can surround yourself with friends who accept and love you, the way your family is unable to do right now.

Remeber that often people's harsh actions are not so much about you, but more a reflection of their own stuff. It's not your fault.

If you accept cyber hugs, I'm sending some your way. Heart

 

Re: reflect

The quote about you can't choose your family but you can choose your friends, so choose wisely comes from Chaim Potok's The Chosen.. This was a book I had to read back in the dark ages for school, it has stayed with me since I was 15...well worth a read and no doubt I will be one day encouraging my children to read it.

@Kenny66, maybe we can be your online friends, your Chosen.. We care and whilst it hurts to be rejected by family, please don't let it define your experience of Christmas this year..

Maybe we can all try and post on the Forum over the Xmas period...

@Kenny65 are you going to volunteer at the animal shelters over Xmas? Are you going to share a meal with your ace flatmate over Christmas?

Virtual hugs coming your way...

Re: reflect

@Alessandra1992, thanks for pointing out that book. I've not heard of it before, but from the quote, it sounds like something I'd also like to read. Can I ask what were some of the main messages in the book that you found most helpful?

Re: reflect

 Yep, i do think of people on the forum as my friends.

i always go to the animal shelter at christmas if im well. It used to break my heart when i stared volunteering there.

But when you realise you are giving a bit of love and comfort to a little dog or cat person who has never been given a break, you can overcome your sadness at their condition. I still cry over some of them but i try to help as best i can.

 I dont know what to say to your kind posts. i dont have an answer for my predicament but all the nice words have given a great deal of comfort.Iwill be having a meal with my flatmate sometime on the day.

Neither of us have had a proper christmas yet in life but we are up for giving it a go this year.Also none of my friends have family, so in a funny way that helps as we are all sort of in the same boat.

I saw there was something hidden in my flatmates closet in bright paper-  i didnt peak but it looks like it maybe a present. 

Senior Contributor

Re: reflect

Dearest @kenny66 

I am deeply saddended reading this. Personally I think they need their heads read.

From one child abuse survivor to another please hear me when I tell you that "moving on" is what people want you to do because they can't handle the grief, anguish and permanency of it. Not that it never changes in any way, things can be held more gently and easily, but the abuse is always there - part of our experiences for the rest of our lives. I think it is their guilt speaking. Please do not let them do a number on your head - I agree with Nik: IT'S NOT YOUR FAULT! The way they treat you it's them who aren't moving anywhere. They are making it harder for you to deal with/live with.

So let me tell you that if you want to count me as family then please do so. I'd be honoured to have such an incredible insightful, warm-hearted person as my brother.

To be honest families really suck sometimes. I've decided to write to my dad telling him I don't want to have any more contact with him. Like your family, he can't deal with the fact that I was abused as a child. He is either dismissive or ignores it. So for example when I sent him some of my poetry about the abuse he rang me and started talking about copyright law!

Prayers & blessings for you.

Kindest regards,

Kristin

 

 

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