Lived Experience Forum

[kenny66]

I have got more support from those people i have met in my short time on the forum than in the rest of my life.

Thanks kristin, you will know that you never get over sustained child abuse- i dont think anyone actually ever does. Having that happen to you takes a big chunk of innocence away from you-you forever feel broken.

Its tough never to have been a little boy. Thanks for your help everyone. I am very grateful

Kenny

[Alessandra1992]

Hey @Kenny66, as a fellow CSA traveller..innocence lost is bloody challenging but for me, I am determined to stay curious, to be a kind and loving person and to make sure my experiences do not limit me but enhance my worldview.. It sucked going through trauma, as did the shame..but I told the untellable. And I am glad I did..

[Rick]

Hi Kenny

Toxic families are just that. Toxic.

I have no family but my 12 yo daughter.

My wife left me cos of the illness.

The family I grew up with are still monstrous.

I tried to maintain a relationship with some of them, but they just acted as triggers.

My Doc explained family toxicity to me. How all families have a element of it in them. 

Then he explained just how damaging it was to be triggered all the time by toxic relationships.

We are expected by yhr family to forgive and forget.

And in most cases Iknow of the effort was made.

Not by the family, but by the victim of the family.

You can forgive if your heart in large anough, but forgetting is impossible when you live with the symptoms of poisoning.

Each time you're triggered you get symptoms.

it strikes me a ludicrous how we beat ourselves up for not living up to the expectations of toxic people.

But that's what we do. We blame ourselves. And since family is sacred we are not allowed to blame those who are the perpetrators.

Yes I removed these toxic elements. I lost my wife.

But my friends , who love me , adopted me in to their families.

Yes it's still saddening and lonely.

But it's clean not poisoned. my friends don't blame me for my chemical processes. 

Be of stout heart. Be kind to yourself. Be an example to yourself of how a family should behave.

I am not saying you should walk the same path I took. What I am saying is that you don't deserve to be poisoned any longer. You have been poisoned enough.

You deserve better

To survive abuse you need to be strong and brave, so remeber that's what you are.

you are not now nor will you ever be "A MENTAL DEFECTIVE"

They are looking into a mirror of their own history and are repulsed by it. They blame you.

Transferance by mental defectives

Hope endures Kenny

Rick

[Rick]

Hi Allesandra

I admire that fact you disclosed your experience and without shame.

I did the same thing during the week and had to delete it because I could'nt bear the kind words people said to me.

I am still ashamed after all this time.

Kudos to you and your courage 

I wish I had a tenth of it.

Tho Hope does endure

Rick

[kenny66]

Thanks Rick

I know all that you say is right but i am not there yet. I have never been able to tell anybody about what happened. I think  will never deal with it until i talk about it but i dont know where to start or with who.

It happened over a period of 14 years, so its a long storey. I am thinking i might deal with it by writing it down. Has anyone tried this method? Thanks for everything to everyone.

[Alessandra1992]

I think sometimes just having the safe place to disclose that the trauma did happen, it is a very healing thing to do. Much of my journey has been around self forgiveness..
Why should we feel shame for the actions of others?
Whatever my current physical, mental, social or spiritual condition, I am always a person and equal in value to every other person. I am ALWAYS valuable and my life has a purpose. I am a connecting link between persons and I have my own unique place and my unique part in humanity.

[kenny66]

Part of the reason i never discussed it is i believed that my parents could tell remotely if i told anyone. That was my delusion. How messed up is that!!!! Therapy demonstrated that to be just that, a delusion. I am going to try writing it with my f/m looking on for moral support

[kristin]

Dear @Rick 

Thank you for sharing why you removed your post. I was so concerned when I saw you had done so. I was worried maybe something I'd said in response had been triggering for you. I also wondered about the possibility of you feeling intensely exposed as a result of so much courage and honesty, especially so soon after joining us. (I know I felt quite exposed when I did my "blurt on the page" a little while back, and not nearly such excruciating stuff as what you spoke of.) At times I find I can feel quite emotionally flayed, not just naked but no skin even.

This is one of the greatest scars of all - the shame we bear from the abuse. I am still grappling with it too. The reality is that this is not our shame, though perpetrators push it onto us in all sorts of subtle and obvious ways. It is their shame, they should have it. Finding our way free of this toxic internalised medusa is a long & torturous journey. I wish you fresh air and the freedom to breathe deeply.

BTW I think you do have the courage of @Alessandra1992 , it took enormous courage to share as you did. Taking it down again was a very understandable reaction to feeling exposed and at risk.

Comparing where we are at on our journeys along the "road less travelled" is not so helpful - we are all in different places in different ways. However we can all encourage each other where we are. This is also something you have in spades! I respectfully suggest you consider finding yourself an image of a lion to use on the forum, to go with your lion-heart.

Alone we are drops in a hostlie ocean, together we are the turning of the tide. My hope for us all endures.

Kindest regards,

Kristin

[kristin]

Hey @kenny66 

14 years is a lifetime when you are young. That is horrendous, and it leaves permanent scars as you say. Journalling can be very helpful, I know other survivors who have found it so.

To be honest what stops me using it is the worry one of my kids might find & read it. It's one of the reasons I write poetry & paint/draw instead. It's a bit less overt. I have two young girls, I don't want them traumatised by knowledge of my trauma.

So this becomes my journalling.

I truly hope you can find a way that helps you with processing & coming to terms with your journey.

Kindest regards,

Kristin

[kristin]

Dear @kenny66 

Not so much delusionsal, self-protective. Parents have literal power of life and death over children, some of them exercise it in various heinous ways. Parental omnipotence can leave its ugly hooks in our lives well into adulthood, especially where abuse is concerned. Abusers demand/insist upon/threaten to keep us silent in order to ensure it continues. It is no wonder it takes so long to find our voices. Sounds like you are finding yours... Well done. 

Blessings.

Kindest regards,

Kristin