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Something’s not right

Lemonjuice
Senior Contributor

5am and can't sleep.

Today I will be seeing my counsellor for what will most likely be our last session.  On Friday I am going to travel some 1000kms to another city to see a specialist psychiatrist in DID for a diagnosis.  I don't plan on coming back home.  I'm not sure what I will do, there's a house to sell, but I don't care anymore, they can sort it out...god knows, they have left me with one mess after another to sort out my entire life.  I'm not sure if I am going to live on the streets, disappear in some bushland, suicide or my spine will collapse and I will return home like a cowardly dog so I can continue being abused.  I have four days to prepare.  I have to pack my belongings in boxes and do the same with my parents' room.  I don't want anyone else to sort through their things...it's all going to charity but still, I don't want anyone touching their stuff, so I will do it.  The rest of the house and garage, they can figure out, I don't care.  I'm so exhausted, I can't sleep or think straight, I can't remember things.  The only thing I have left is that mum and dad are in some kind of afterlife and I will see them again.  Not sure how I am going to explain my not coming back to my counsellor today.  I don't know...I mean, I don't want to hurt her, I know she cares and wants to work with me, so I feel like I should lie...tell her that I have decided to move up there and a friend has offered me a room.  She'll be glad that I found a way to get away from the abuse, what the truth is, doesn't matter, it only matters that she's ok.  Idk, I am such a useless piece of shit...my nephew is right, I am nothing, I am worth nothing.  Going to sleep...well try.  Sorry for the vent.

7 REPLIES 7

Re: 5am and can't sleep.

@Lemonjuice  Hi Lemonjuice I have been reading your posts for awhile now and didnt know how to reply. I think personally you are in a wonderful position to sell the house and with the profits buy yourself a unit and do some study. You are now a free agent to do as you please. You are beholden to no one except yourself. Gain your wings my friend. Be a pheonix and emerge out of the ashes and take hold of your life. Love greenpea

Re: 5am and can't sleep.

@Lemonjuice I hope that doesnt sound harsh I just wanted to express the positives of your situation and let you know that we are all with you every step of the way. You can do this Lemonjuice. 

Re: 5am and can't sleep.

@greenpea  Hi, what you said is good, there's no reason to doubt yourself about it.  It makes perfect sense and I have thought that myself.  I know it's stupid to feel this way.  In two to three months, I could be in a place of my own, doing whatever I want, free of being used and abused.  I should be happy, sometimes I even feel excitement. The thing is, it will still be me living in that place and I can't get away from me and me is pretty ugly, stupid, old, etc.  Personally, I don't think I have DID, I think I have Avoidant Personality disorder.

Re: 5am and can't sleep.

@Lemonjuice  unfortunately there comes a stage where all us women get old and are no longer attractive and cute. It comes with its blessings though as we can work on our other attributes of which you have many intelligence, caring, empathy etc. As for your diagnosis go with you gut and if you are not happy with what the 'professionals' are delivering go else where. You know yourself better than anyone. peaxx

Re: 5am and can't sleep.

@greenpea Thank you.  Whatever the shrink says, it's going to be interesting.

Re: 5am and can't sleep.

Good luck @Lemonjuice . 🙏🤞🏼🍀

 

I hope it goes ok. 

Re: 5am and can't sleep.

Pea of greenness @greenpea 🤗😊 I really liked your responses. 💜. There is something kind of special about this age for women that holds possibility for change or the unknown. Some days it's the light that holds it together. Some days the jaded past feels stronger. Let's hope there are more days of that curiosity and light than the dark days. @Lemonjuice , @greenpea 

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