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Kal
Contributor

Advice on helping bipolar, adhd adult son with life decisions

Hi all, I contacted this forum just before Christmas when my son was suicidal & you were a wonderful support thanks. I kept meaning to check in again but too much energy was needed & when he was managing well I didn't want to think about it! (I know, blinkers on I think). On top of everything else, they've decided his pain is fibromyalgia.

However, he's falling in a bit of a heap at the moment & I really need some advice on the best way to help without sounding patronising or overbearing. He's been doing the Cert IV n Mental Health so he could get p/t work in peer support. Unfortunately the organisation he's doing it with isn't very good with the students who have lived experience & he's starting to lose hope again & believe he can't do anything this "normal". Keeps saying if he isn't doing something useful by Christmas it really will be the end - sadly he's not just saying it for effect.

He needs to get about 70hrs of prac work but they've just been given a list of places to contact & for someone with his difficulties, it's impossible (& not something I can do for him). He's been doing really well in all the assignments, getting them in on time as scared of falling behind. Also getting great comments as apparently more committed than most of the students. They really don't understand how hard it is for some students to organise prac though & he's terrified of failing. All he wants to do is help other people like him who can't access help in the system, but it's very hard.

Does anyone please have any suggestions as to how to access prac or volunteer work that can count as prac in the Perth area. And how he can go about asking without having a major panic attack. He's feeling pretty hopeless now because the manager, who he thought was supportive, has flicked off his reporting of another student obsessing with him & texting over 50 messages last Friday with some really nasty stuff which a male would have been reported on immediately. It's just made him feel he has no hope with the class & is going to be very difficult for him next Thursday when class is on again. Needs to have a positive to work towards like lots of prac hours.

Sorry, long ramble, I usually edit out all the extra 😞  

The other thing is, he messaged me today about the part of him that wants to just "end it now" & it scares him how long it's been around. He just wants to live in a house with a garden & a housemate & a p/t job involving meaningful, helpful work. Wants help with concrete plans for an actual future. All of which I understand, but I really don't connect with him on it. I never seem to word things right & end up upsetting him more. How can I find help & advice on helping him with stuff without sounding like "mum"? It's really difficult to take the emotion out of it when it's my son. I do the listening etc, but can't seem to get the knack of helping without helping. Any advice would be really appreciated as it'svery heartbreaking - wish my husband was still alive to help.

Thanks 🙂

3 REPLIES 3

Re: Advice on helping bipolar, adhd adult son with life decisions

Oh @Kal I'm sorry you and your son are going through this. It may not feel like it, but you are doing an amazing job. The fact that he opens up to you is huge. You seem to know so much of what is going on for him at the moment - so for him to trust you with that is big.

There are quite a few parents on here, who I'm sure can offer some advice.

What jumped out to me what the fact that people teaching Cert IV in mental health, just don't seem to get it! It seems ironic!

I'm wondering if there's a counsellor attached to the institution or a welfare department who can help with the practicalities / logistics of organising prac? Usually most education institutions have some form of structure internally for students to get support.

It might be a bit too far down the track to change courses, but I wanted to flag that there is also a new Cert IV available in Mental Health Peer Support. Prac would likely still be involved, but you would hope that course would have understanding teachers (goodness I hope so!)

Welcome back, by the way 🙂 

Re: Advice on helping bipolar, adhd adult son with life decisions

Thanks for your supportive comments, hugely appreciated 🙂

Unfortunately the organisation that runs the Peer Support course here gave incorrect information on it so my son missed a place. We (& others) were assured categorically by several staff members including the coordinator, that there were both scholarsip AND paid spots. It turned out once it was too late, that that wasn't true, there were only scholarship ones. We knew of several people like my son who preferred not to have the stress of a scholarship & suddenly found they couldn't do it after all. That's when I quickly phoned the current place he's with & they had places & assured us even the staff had lived experience & all help is provided.

Turns out their lived experience is either anxieties or physical disability (with no mental issues) & their knowledge of true mental conditions is book learning only. On Mon afternoon my son was called into a meeting that day, told if he didn't go he'd be off the course! All because he contacted the support person on Fri about another student who'd flooded all his socal media with really nasty messages, He wasn't taken seriously & as soon as he said if a male did it to a female instead it would be treated more seriously, they panicked & hung up. Luckily he let me go with him & the manager backed down, but she was all prepared to force him off & had he gone on his own, would probably have succeeed. He'd have then had major panic attack & become really stressed & angry & ended up looking like the villian. She actually told me when I asked, that it's not up to them to have anything to do with students' mental problems & that they do more than most by having their support officer (who's lovely, but has anxieties!). All my son wants to do is pass his course & get p/t peer support work helping those like him who don't fit the system. I asked about prac & she said they do more than most by providing a list of places that are happy to take students - didn't think it was their problem if the students with true lived experience don't know how to go about it. And yes...this is a mental health organisation!

On the bright side however, he's now got support from several external people who are helping him find prac, & also advising him on his legal rights & offering to advocate for him. That's at least restored some hope in him as he knows it's not him being weird.

I hope to keep him from becoming adversarial until he's finished his course! Although if they still allow the girl concerned to stay on his class day it may not work. I have a nasty suspicion I'm going to have to get adversarial myself, & I don't have the energy. (Shame my husband isn't still alive, he was brilliant at such stuff). Because he lives on his own I never realised I was a f/t carer till last year when a counsellor pointed it out & that it was no wonder my whole adrenal system was crashed.

Anyway, if you've made it this far thanks for listening 🙂 It feels better just being able to type it out knowing anyone who reads it will understand doesn't it.

 

 

Re: Advice on helping bipolar, adhd adult son with life decisions

Hello @Kal, how is everything this week going for you and your son Heart

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