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whatamess
Casual Contributor

BPD/NPD - Did this really happen to me ?

Hi All,
I am new to this forum, and I guess I wanted to share my story as I am finding it really difficult to deal with what happenned over the last 12 months and I am open to any and all advice.

I had been in a 29 year stable and relatively happy relationship since I was 20 and in Sept 2015 I initiated a trial seperation and some 3 months into this I put myself onto Tinder and on my second only date  connected with a lady that rocked my world in so many respects. We had lots of common interests, she seemed genuinely interested in everything I did, was intelligent, entertaining and attractive. Our chemistry was amazing.  I was believing I had met the perfect girl for me, and she receipricated these feelings. 

She had a heartbreaking story of her father having abused her (she said he was a malignant narcisist) her sister (diagnosed with BPD) being a heroin addict and comitting suicide, and she being estranged from her family.  She was living in social housing in Richmond having she claimed being physically abused in her last relationship. Unemployed - she suffered from Krones disease, had a artitical disk in her back which caused her signifcant pain and admitted to suffering depression.  I had no experience with any of these issues in my life, and even the language she used to describe it was foreign to me. All I wanted to do was love and protect her from all of these things.

She started staying in my apartment fulltime in Southbank within a month (without us really talking about it) and before I knew what was happening I had a full time girlfriend whom seem to love and adore me and I certainly loved and adored her.  She was in my mind perfect and amazing. Within 6 months I grew a significant attachment to this woman.

I signed a lease for an apartment in Richmond in my name only and we moved in there. 

Things started to unravel within about 10 days of living together.  She started to get really abusive about silly things like, me leaving the yoghurt in their cardboard in the fridge, or me leaving the shower head to high for her, I would apologise but she would just get angry and hurl abusive language at me saying that I was doing this deliberately to antagonise her.  It shocked me.   The abuse got stronger and harsher, I was confused because it didn't matter what I did, I couldn't apease her anger.  We couldn't seem to have rational conversations anymore.  She started saying I was gaslighting her, and she couldn't trust me, and then she started devaluing everything I did.  It started with my work, claiming i was sabotaging deals and my staff hated me, and then my friends, they weren't real friends and I needed to cut them off, and then my family, how could I have left my kids, I was selfish and uncaring.  My parents must have abused me because I was so broken. Then the language started referencing my behaviours to psycological issues.  I was being called a sociapath, a narcisist, a patholical liar, a passive agressive, an abuser and manipulator. I had to look these things up. I still loved this woman, I wanted things to go back the way they were but nothing I could do would seem to satisfy her. Everything I had said was coming back at me twisted and distorted and any attempt to correct anything was met with immediate abusive shutdown.

I went to see a therapist and she told me that I needed to end this relatiohship.

I moved out of the apartment.  I couldnt manage with the level of abuse. My health was getting serioulsy affected and I knew that if I stayed I would implode.

A friend gave me a book on BPD (walking on eggshells). It matched everything that was happening perfectly (the initial stage of adulation, the later triangulation, and subsequent abuse.  I was in shock.  My girlfriend had BPD.  The book spoke of strategies to deal with it. Setting boundaries. Remain composed. Express your love and caring and don't trigger abondonment.  I found a therapist who was willing to help, and I would record some of our exchanges and discussed strategies for dealing with these exchanges.

I maintained in a tacid relationship with my girlfriend although in her mind she insisted we were no longer in a relationship.  She would text and call me mulitple times a day. Ask me to come over and then more often and not seduce me to sleep with her.  It wasn't hard.  I loved her immensely and our chemistry was intense. I paid her rent and she used a credit card of mine frugily.  She was in no way money driven. The abuse was still there, but I could escape and I had strategies to deal with them. This continued for a few months.

2 months ago I took her away to Merimbula for a few days. We had not been together for this length of time since I lived with her.  The abuse was crazy intense. I had booked a 2 bedroom apartment atleast but I had to leave our apartment several times for hours at a time to calm things down.  She became physically abusive.  Threw my suitcase down the stairs,  smashed a glass at the wall, threw food around and there was no possibility for us to have even a conversation even.  It was all rants from her.

I recorded a few of these exchanges without her knowing.  They are intensely upsetting to listen to.

On the way back from Merimbula she acted out unebelievably.  Opening the car door when we were moving.  Running up and down the medium strip, running off into the forest when I pulled over.  I tried to act calm and not react to these tantrums. She escalated them. In Dandenong we stopped for petrol and she went inside and bought Mcdonalds.  She spilt the drink over the floor of the car, and as we were driving started pushing french fries into my ear and sitting them on my should saying I had a chip on my shoulder.  I asked her to stop, and then she rubbed the hamburger bun through my hair.  Clearly looking for me to react. I didn't.  She spent 15 hours in a rage that was unimaginable. I don't know how I held my composure together but I did.

On returning to Richmond I tried to drop her off.  She wouldn't leave the car, and just kept hurtling abuse at me.  I opened the door for her.  She ki cked me and punched my chest, and when I asked her to stop she told me to stop being a baby.

I eventually managed to coax her out of the car and left.  She ran after me in the street yelling abuse at me. 

It was 3:30 am and I went home to try to sleep for an important business meeting I had the next day. (she knew this)  She came around to my house an hour later in a state of distress saying she had locked herself out of the apartment.  I let her into mine and then she started abusing me.  She had a slurpee and spilt it all over my bed. I asked her to leave and she threw a chair at the wall and then I got back into bed and asked her to leave.  She tipped me out of bed skinning my elbow on the floor in the process.  She then lay down on the bed with me and tried to cuddle me and get in close to seduce me.  I asked her to leave. I gave her a spare key to her apartment and she wanted me to come back and sleep with her because she was really distressed. I refused.  She eventually left.

She sent me a text the next day with photos of scratches and bruises she had no doubt received during her rampages on the trip home and said that now I was a physical abuser as well as a psychological one. 

I didnt react to this taunt.   5 days later I got a call from Richmond Police station saying that I needed to come down as I had been placed under an intervention order citing physical and emotiional abuse.

I played some of the recordings to the police and they immediately changed their tune and told me to get this woman out of my life.  I was so upset.  The police sergeant called me and said that she was so appalled by the recordings and that no relationship should have to exist with such abuse.  She knew I was really struggling with it.

I went to court hearing and allowed the AVO to stand (without admitting to anything) until the mentions hearing which was scheduled for 2 weeks later.  On the advice of my lawyer and the police I put in a cross order and made a statement to the police of what happened.  My girlfriend was arrested and brought in to the police station to have the AVO served. 

She didn't come to my AVO hearing. Wouldn't response to any police contact. Door knocking or phone calls. The police wanted to exclude her from my apartment as a condition on the AVO which would have made her homeless.  I asked that they not do this. (how could i evict a woman that I so cared for)  The Magistrate agreed and the AVO was adjourned for another 2 weeks.  She came to this one but sat in a quiet room as she was allegedly to upset to be in the court room with me. I have all this evidence in horrendous recordings text messages which I have not yet had any chance to show the court.

I have stopped paying the rent on our apartment and I beleive as a result she is about to get evicted but she has now had 6 weeks to find alternate accomodation.

I have read and watched alot of material on the internet and even through I originally thought she was BPD I now believe she is NPD or a combination. Even though she went to huge lengths to talk about her amazing level of empathy during our relationship, this was never really backed up by any actions.  The grand finale discard also supports that.  She knew her behaviour was fully revealed to me and because I wouldn't give her any more supply she dumped me before I could in her mind dump her (even though I wouldn't have).  I guess there is no way of knowing for sure unless she gets assessed.

Even though all this has happened and I know that any ongoing contact with her is unlikely and incredibly unhealthy , I still have these deep feelings for this woman and I want the best outcome for her.

I have an internal debate as to whether I should contest the AVO and put all of the recordings I have of her abuse on record.  She needs help but the only way that will occur is if she recognises she has a problem.  I have this thought that if light is shining on this in an open courtoom she cannot deny who she really is and seek help.  Maybe the court will direct her to seek counciling as a condition of the AVO. 

If not then she will continue this pattern of abuse her whole life and that is so sad for her and those that love her.

Am I dillusional ?

Is anyone dealing with anything like this ?

I have skipped alot of details above in the interest of getting to the point.  Apologies if it seems disjointed. 

M.

12 REPLIES 12

Re: BPD/NPD - Did this really happen to me ?

Hi @whatamess

Welcome to the forums, wow you have been through quite a lot 

can I just clarify a few questions, when you say are you delusional do you mean delusional to still love her? or to think that your ex can change? or that the courts can force her into treatment? 

if you mean to still love her, no i dont think so, loving someone is not as easy as flicking a switch on and off, even when they have hurt you. But continuing to love her does not mean that you have to endure the abuse or try to take her responsibility for herself away from her. And I am not sure about the benefit of you accepting an AVO and having that on your criminal record against you given that you have not done anything wrong. you would not want that to negatively effect you in some way in the future. 

BPD like other MH issues is difficult but able to be effectively treated with therapy (sometimes a combination of this and medication), she does however have to take some responsibility for her behaviour in order to engage with help, you cant do it for her 

what do other people think?

has anyone else had experience trying to help someone with BPD / attachment difficulties? @Leigh @Kiera80 @Mon_102 and @Whyohwhy talks about something similar in this thread 

Re: BPD/NPD - Did this really happen to me ?

Hi whatamess

I can identify with so many of the things you've mentioned - my heart goes out to you.

Speaking from experience - put your needs first!  And let go of the idea you can help or educate her – it’s her life's journey - her karma to work through.  This has been my biggest lesson - it was not my responsibility to make him happy, or help him be whole, or to unendingly give way more than I ever got back. 

I started Schema Therapy some time back and have discovered I’m a self sacrificer.  It's natural I guess for someone that was way too needy - to be drawn to someone that was way too giving - and vice versa.  

Educate yourself - get strong - acknowledge you may still have feelings for her but do not act on them - that's what kept me on the hook for over 20 years.  Why they appear one way and then become something else – it’s bait and switch – once they’re secure and have you hooked they go back to their normal selves. 

Make sure you are healed from this experience - see a psychologist - before you start a new relationship.  Look to the reasons you tolerated being treated in this way.  This is my struggle ATM – I feel like such an absolute fool – I put his needs aobve my own so many times.  I allowed myself to be used – I accept there was a lesson to learn from this experience.  I hope that helps you a little.

Re: BPD/NPD - Did this really happen to me ?

Hi, I'm probably not the best person to give advice.
Our son took his own life 3 months ago.

Re: BPD/NPD - Did this really happen to me ?

Sorry that posted before I finished. We tried everyrhing to get help to no avail. The CAT team said he was fine. As you can imagine we are very sad and despite the problems we miss him dearly,as does his young daughter. This will probably be my last post on this site. Thanks for past support.

Re: BPD/NPD - Did this really happen to me ?

Thanks for your response Fancy_Pant,

I meant Dillusional that my ex will hear the evidence I put forward in the court, recordings (if they let me play them), text messages and emails, hear what I say and actually recognise that maybe she has created this story in her mind to protect herself from taking responsibility for her own behaviour so that she can continue to live in her version of reality.   

I know that I still love her and will for a long time to come if not forever, but I also recognise the pain and sufferring I endured whilst with her, and the harm that would have caused in the long term if I was still with her.  So there is no going back.  But that doesn't mean I don't want the best outcome for her, and a hope that she might get help.

The bits that I don't understand are whether she actually consicously knows what she is doing, and sees that damage, (and is that therefore her narcisistic supply) or if her mind actually believes that her fabricated story is what happened. Her reactions to what I do and say are so real and incredible that I can only think the latter is true. In which case in the court she will craft some story in her mind that will justify the courts findings and allow her to continue believing her own reality is true. 

This is the first time I have been in court. Having sat in the waiting room now 4 days over the last 3 months for my 5 minute hearings (mostly to have them ajourned)  and observed the people in those waiting rooms, I am sure that the majority of cases are there due to mental health issues in either party or both. The scenes there are distresing. I can see the merit of the AVO process but it does not deal at all with mental health. That the frustrating part.  My concience is clean, I know what happened, and I can easily show it, but nobody wants to know until we get to a contested hearing which is ages down the path. IMO, it would not take long for a mental health professional to assess each party and if there is any hint it should be done on day 1.   My case has been going on for 3 months now.  No end in sight yet.  

And whilst I thought she had BPD,  I now am unsure if it is not NPD.  The latter seems to be virtually untreatable :(.

 

Re: BPD/NPD - Did this really happen to me ?

Hi @Leigh,

I am so incredibly sorry for your loss. And I am so sorry for tagging you, I had no idea...

I have emailed you 

Re: BPD/NPD - Did this really happen to me ?

HI W o y,

Thanks for your response.

I hear you and I know its true but the hard part is accepting it.  I will contest the AVO, and put down my evidence and see what the court does with it.   My cross AVO on her is also there to be dealt with and I will push for that to be upheld due to the evidence I have.  That in my mind is the right thing to do on principle.  If she gets someting out of it then it will be a huge win.

I know that I am also a giver.   But I don't necessarily seek out needy people.  In the first 6 months of our relationship she gave more than I did.  This was during the Bait and Switch I guess.   She waited until I clearly adored her and then changed to a person that I hardly recognised. :(.   I moved out 10 days later, but I couldn't shake the love and the attraction I had. She definitely manipulated and used me.  I know it, and I allowed it because of the occasional awesome time we would have when her initial behaviour returned.  Its so sad :(.

I dropped off some of her things to one of the only extended family members she still has contact with yesterday.  I had not previously been their without her. They invited me in for a drink and then proceeded to share how appalled they were with her behaviour throughout her life, to them, and everyone around her, but that they feared doing anything about it. :(.  They were visibly upset. I feel very sorry for them.  I have certainly had a baptism of fire in behavioural dissorders.

In terms of new relationships.  I know I am not ready for anything serious and I won't be for a long time yet. 

Thankyou.

 

 

 

 

 

 

Re: BPD/NPD - Did this really happen to me ?

Hi Leigh,

Very sorry for your loss.   I cannot begin to imagine what you are going through and my heart goes out to you.

Sincerely,
M

 

Re: BPD/NPD - Did this really happen to me ?

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Sending you love and strength @Leigh ..... ❤️

So sorry for your loss.

 

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