Friends, Family & Carers Forum

[Redshoes]

I've been with my partner for about 2 1/2 years and he was diagnosed with ADHD about two years ago and bipolar about 18 months ago. He sees a psychiatrist every month, but they're still establishing what mood stabilisers will work for him. He's on ADHD medication and supplments that he takes regularly, but the mood swings are still extreme. 

I know he has key triggers for his lows, which a key one is financial stress. We're expecting our first baby and I'm almost halfway. Since we found out, he has been putting so much pressure on himself, he's in the biggest low I've ever experienced with him - he's given up on life. 

We've taken a hit in our finances over the past few months and we need both our incomes at the moment, and he's just lost all motivation to do anything. He's a sales rep, and can't get out of bed most mornings, is not making any sales and as he works on commission, is not getting any income. The fact that he's not getting sales is adding to his low and it's getting worse and worse as the weeks go on. The low has been going for almost three months now.

He knows that he needs a good night sleep to be able to focus and motivate the next day, but doesn't want to go to bed and verbally abuses me when I suggest bed. 

He can have follow up work to do and he blatantly lies to his boss. 

He's also getting worse at taking his medication.

I know he works better with positive reinforcement, and I'd been working on that - despite nothing changing. However, after missing a really important pregnancy appointment because he felt like playing xbox, I finally cracked. I told him something has to change. He's given up on all his responsibilities, he needs to have a look at his priorities and perhaps set out a timeline or a calendar for the day and he needs to see his psychiatrist more often.

Since I did that it's been world war three. He's verbally abusive almost daily. He's told me everything's my fault. I'm the reason he can't sell at work, I'm too emotional being pregnant and I'm ruining everything. He's said that he doesn't see the point to life, but then reassures me that he's not going to do anything silly. He agrees that he needs to start putting some of my suggestions into place, but doesn't act on it, then verbally abuses me more if I suggest it. 

His psychiatrist is on holidays and he has the next available appointment when he gets back, but it's not for another two weeks. 

I feel so lost with what to do. I tell him positives every day about how much I love him and amazing things that he's done so he's hearing all of that. Am I just in for years more of heartbreak?

[-karma-]

Hello Redshoes

I feel for you, it must feel like you are damned if you do, damned if you don't. Unfortunately, allowing people to be self determining when you are in a relationship, has consequences, and makes it difficult to be unbiased in our responses.

Can you tell me what state you are living in? I'm thinking of support for yourself as a carer, supporting you in your role, which could provide strategies to manage, links to other resources, counselling on the current situation, respite, etc

Let me know if you think that is something you think would be useful?

[CherryBomb]

Dear Redshoes,

Welcome to saneforums. I've not seen you on here before, so I'm pleased to meet you.

It sounds like things have snowballed over time for you and your partner - stress and the ways of dealing with stress (not going to work) has led to more stress (lack of income), and when you've voiced your concerns, it's created a more stress. 

I can't answer your question about whether you are in for more heartbreak, but what I do know is that it's important to take some time to care for you too. Often it's so easy to focus on caring for our loved that we forget about ourselves. You seem like a very caring and nurturing person towards your partner. You're very understanding of his mental illness and you see the good even in tough times. But remember, that no matter what, mental illness or not, that poor behaviour - verbal abuse in particular is not ok. If your partner is yelling at you, and there are no consequences, what incentive does that give him to change? If you feel emotionally unsafe/abused, or feel that you are not getting the treatement that you deserve, setting boundaries can be really helpful. Some services that might be able talk this through are the Salvo Care Line, it's a counselling line so they can into depth about setting boundaries and they may also be able to provide you with a referral to financial counselling too. 

Has anyone else go any advice for Redshoes?

[Redshoes]

Thank you. I do need advice on how to best support myself.
Karma, I'm in Queensland.

[JT]

Hi Redshoes,

First of all congrats on the impending baby.  Hope that part is going smoothly for you!  

I'll stick my hand up and confess to being bipolar myself only I had 3 kids and a failed marriage behind me before I found out.  The marriage was going to fail anyway (because he's a jerk and we were not compatible) but as I look back I can see I must have been a nightmare to be married to lol.  I have a teenage son who has an as yet undefined mental illness but I am banking on bipolar given the family history.  It's hell on wheels more often that not.  

Anyway, I'm also concerned about what support you are getting as a carer.  I'm in the NT and we have the Mental Illness Fellowship which has a carer support worker - they are national so there is one in each state.  Carers NT up here also has a mental health department though I'm not sure if they are nationwide with that unit.  COPMI are just wonderful with resources.  

It's great that you are so supportive and understanding of how stressed he is.  As my psych says to me, stress is your enemy.  I'm almost a year into my diagnosis and still coming to grips with avoiding stress.  I know what's good but not always so good at doing it.  New babies are stressful and the circumstances around them are largely unavoidable.  

I'd have to ask is he in the best job for his situation?  I know I couldn't cope with the uncertainty of a commission only job.  

You're right in that he does need to see his psychiatrist more often and it's a real pain that they're away.

He does need a plan but chances are that right now he's too far gone to right one himself.  Has anyone talked to you about Wellness Plans or similar.  They're plans that are generally made whilst well for the future when things go pear shaped.  

As a short term start I would be looking at what needs to happen and choose something you know he can do easily.  Set him up to succeed and build him up from there.  He does need to shape up and I don't mean that in a derogatory way at all, just that he does need to look after himself and take part in the relationship.  Seriously anyone reading that comment please remember I'm bipolar too and I agree that every now and then I need someone to tell me to shape up to my responsibilities lol.  Is he accessing any services other than the psych?  

As for the future, who knows.  In coming years there will always be stresses and he has to learn how to live with them.  It's most definately possible and I wish you both the best of luck.  

[-karma-]

Hi Redshoes

thanks for your reply

I have looked into the support available in QLD and would suggest either of these.

Given they are large and reputable, will be the way to proceed.

*Commonwealth Respite and Carelink Centre-1800 052 222

*Carers QLD-http://carersqld.asn.au/

*www.qld.gov.au/community/support-for-carers/- 13 74 68

Let us know how you get on, I'm sure other members would like to follow your journey.

Good Luck with the next chapter.

[Hobbit]

Hi Reshoes,

I thought I would send you a quick note to see how you are going. DId you manage to make contact with anyone who might be able to help you out?

[Redshoes]

Thank you.
I'm speaking to one of the counsellors from Carers Qld.
I'm definitely struggling with things at the moment, but we're taking steps in the right direction.

[Hobbit]

That's good Redhsoes. Carers QLD is a great organisation. Remeber forums like this one. Sometime it's really good just to talk to people (about anything) - often that can be great therapy in itself.

Let us know how you're coping.

Hobbit.