Friends, Family & Carers Forum

[Amber1]

My son has just been diagnosed with BPD. I feel at an absolute loss as to how to cope and help him. He has been suffering for 10 years and it's only now we have been given a diagnosis. He drinks copious amounts to numb the pain, is very aggressive etc. When I read the links on BPD he ticks every box. I hope he will attend some sort of therapy...he is 29 so he is the one who has to do it. What can I do when he is having a particularly bad episode? He is very intoxicated and just won't listen and sitting in his car. In previous times I have had to ring an ambulance/police but was wondering if there is a way to reason with him...very hard when drunk and angry?

I try not to get angry, but is impacts on my younger son's and my life! When we found out the reason behind his behaviour it has helped in a way but we feel we cannot help him during the bad times.

[JoseJones]

Welcome to the forums Amber, and thank you for your contribution.  I am sorry to hear about the troubles that you've had in dealing with your son over the years.  It must be incredibly stressful to deal with this kind of behaviour, and hard to bear when it comes from your own son.  

Have you been familiarised with services in your area for people experiencing what you're going through.  I note that that in a post in another topic about BPD, @Viv told us "In Victoria, there is BPD Community Vic which has regular Info nights and NEA BPD Aust which offer a Family Connections course. MIND have a Carer's night on the first Wed of the month also."  Are those of any use to you?

@pjc11, @Jacob101 and @Kiera80 and @Valdamay also be able to shed some light on this sort of situation given their experiences?  Also @GivingMick @Kiera80 @Cazzie @Shino  @Sophie44 @Alice70  @BananaHammock and @suzie may be able to weigh in?

There are also some ideas in this thread you may find useful going forward:

http://saneforums.org/t5/What-s-new-services-research/Borderline-Personality-Disorder-tips-for-famil...

[Amber1]

Hi JoseJones

Thank you very much for your email........I have read some of the posts and you realise you are not alone. I have been given a place to go to here in Perth for families dealing with family members who suffer from a mental illness. I went to Holyoak years ago and expect this will be much the same.

Regards

Amber

[NikNik]

Hi @Amber1

I'm really glad you found us! There are many people, as @JoseJones pointed out, who have someone in their life who has been diagnosed with BPD.

From the sounds of it, he's not open to seeking help, would that be right?

Would I also be right in assuming that he has been to seek help before to get the BPD diagnosis?

I'm wondering what it was that stopped him seeking help?

The alcohol doesn't help - it could be bringing out symptoms that are related to the alcohol, not the BPD or masking other things going on - it's such a tricky one!

It's great that you are in contact with a carers support organisation. Sometimes when a loved one refuses to seek help, getting support for yourself can be helpful. As well as what this organisation can offer you, you're also entitled to 10 free appointments with a psychologist - which you can access by going to your GP. I hope you utilise these options - self care and care for the rest of the family is a priority too.

Have you contacted the organisation you mentioned in your last post? How did it go? Helping Minds is also a Perth based organisation that you might want to check out, if you haven't already.

Hope you're travelling okay!

[Amber1]

Hi NikNik

Thanks for your reply. He is going to a couple of group therapy sessions now. First one tomorrow evening. He actually asked for help yesterday he was in such a bad way. He is seeing a pyschiatrist and psychologist so well covered there. He was admitted to hospital a few weeks ago as he set up a plan to end his life but rang the hospital at the last minute pleading for help. I was not home but was called by the local police/ambulance who were with him. He had consumed copious bottles of red wine. The doctor diagnosed the BPD and sent notes to Psych.

He spirals out of control every time a relationship breaks down...rejection issues which have been linked to his father leaving 20 years ago...something he has always had trouble with but hasn't dealt with. He remembers every detail down to what he was wearing the night his Dad came over to tell them. His realationships start so well but he snaps and goes off on binges etc which the girlfriends can't put up with continuously. Then when they want to end it he send frenzied texts/calls pleading with them to take him back. The terrible drinking, gambling, head banging, aggressive behaviour starts again, blaming his father for everything that has gone wrong. As you have said a very tricky and draining situation. He did undergo 2 craniotomies at 18 years of age on his left frontal lobe so that hasn't helped either.

Having lost most of his savings this time around has exacerbated hte feelings of failure this time. He can't move out as he can't afford it.

He is smart, helpful  and engaging when in a good place but this episode has been prolonged and they seem to be getting worse.

Thanks for listening to me,

Amber1

[NikNik]

Hi @Amber1

It's good to hear that he's being supported by a psychologist and psychiatrist.

Therapy group sessions can be really helpful - if anything, it can often help others feel less alone in their experience.

How did the session go?

How are you doing... do you have a supportive network you can lean on?

[Amber1]

Hi NikNik

He had an awful relapse this week drinking copious amounts of alcohol and behaving aggressivley towards himself and property around my home. Self harm was attempted again as well. Before he can start a DBT course he has to get off the alcohol (this seems to spark the bad episodes) so we are now looking at residential care for 4-6 months. Unfortunately he has incurred a huge debt during a night of gambling a couple of weeks ago while under the influence of drugs and alcohol. To go into care with such a debt will not be beneficial...as he has to want to go in with no doubts. He is going to continue working and use a home detox program (DAWN) for the next several weeks to hopefully keep him clean. Then we can apply for the residential care and later DBT for his BPD.

I have attended the pysch appointments which really helps as having the family on board can be a huge plus.

The journey continues.................

Amber1

[NikNik]

HI @Amber1

I'm really sorry to hear about this set back. It seems like it's a positive he wants help though.

Have you thought about contacting the financial institution he owes money to and ask for a plan for his debt? Sometimes they make payment plans and can delay repayments under special circumstances. You could also engage with a company that can advocate on his behalf to manage debts. There are finanical counsellors who can assist with this, I believe places like Vinnies offer free financial counselling.

This might give him a couple of months breathing space?

Nik

[imhermother]

Amber1 I  am intrigued to hear about the residential care-what is this- I too have an adult child with BPD I feel your anxiety and pain I really do- feeling soooo helpless all the time is so tiring for me I can't imagine what our kids go through mentally everyday- i have no assistance at all and am struggling to get any- a residential facility would be a godsend for my daughter and me and our family.

[Amber1]

Cyrenian House can help with residential care. My son didn't go in the end as he needed to work to repay debts...but the DBT once a week at a clinic for 3 hours over 12 sessions has given him strategies which help control serious episodes. It's so hard and I feel for your helplessness.